A tourist is sightseeing in a European city. She comes upon the tomb of Beethoven, and begins reading the commerative plaque, only to be distracted by a low scratching noise, as if something was rubbing against a piece of paper.
She collars a passing native and asks what the scratching sound is.
The local person replies, "Oh, that is Beethoven. He's decomposing."
Fritz Kriesler and Rachmaninov had a recital in Carnegie Hall once. In the middle of the music, Kriesler got lost and turned around to ask Rachmaninov, "Where are we?"
Rachmaninov said, "Carnegie Hall, sir!"
What do you call a male quartet?
→ Three men and a tenor.
What do you get if Bach dies and is reincarnated as twins?
→ A pair of Re-bachs.
What's musical and handy in a supermarket?
→ A Chopin Liszt.
Why don't they know where Mozart is buried?
→ Because he's Haydn!
How many folk musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Seven; one to change and the other six to sing about how good the old one was.
How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Twenty. 1 to hold the bulb, 2 to turn the ladder, and 17 to be on the guest list.
How many bluegrass musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ Two. One to screw it in, and one to complain that it's electrified.
What do you get if Bach falls off a horse, but has the courage to get on again and continue riding?
→ Bach in the saddle again.
How can you tell someone is a true music lover?
→ When they even put their ear up to the bathroom keyhole.
What happens if you sing country music backwards?
→ You get your job and your wife back.
What do you get when you play a new age song backwards?
→ A new age song.
A musician calls the orchestra office, asks for the conductor, and is told that he is dead.
The musician calls back 25 times more and gets the same message from receptionist.
She asks why he keeps calling. He replies, "I just like to hear you say it."
Why are conductors' hearts popular for transplants?
→ They've had little use.
What do you do with percussionists that lose one of their drumsticks?
→ Stick them up front of the group and tell them to wave their arms!
What is the definition of a Soviet String Quartet?
→ A Soviet Symphony Orchestra after a tour of the USA!
When a young hotshot conductor was making his debut at the Met, he showed the jaded and skeptical orchestra how well he knew the music by singing all parts of the Lucia sextet during rehearsal.
Afterwards, one musician was overheard whispering to the other, impressed, "Well, this kid really knows his stuff!"
The other replied, "I don't think he is so hot. Did you notice how flat his high E was at the end?"
- Mom, why do you always stand by the window when I practice for my singing lessons?
- I don't want the neighbours to think I'm employing corporal punishment, dear.
- Dad, why do the singers rock left and right while performing on stage?
- Because, son, it is more difficult to hit a moving target.
- It must be terrible for an opera singer to realize that he can never sing again.
- Yes, but it's much more terrible if he doesn't realize it.
How can you tell when a tenor is really stupid?
→ When the other tenors notice.
What is the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a Wagnerian Tenor?
→ About 10 pounds.
What is the missing link between the bass and the ape?
→ The baritone.
How do you tell when your lead singer is at the door?
→ He can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in.
