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What is the difference between a banjo and a South American Macaw?
→ One is loud, obnoxious and noisy; the other is a bird.

What is the difference between a banjo and a chain saw?
→ A chain saw has a dynamic range.

Why did the Boy Scout take up the banjo?
→ They make good paddles.

Why do so many fishermen own banjos?
→ They make great anchors!

What is the difference between a banjo and an anchor?
→ You tie a rope to an anchor before you throw it overboard.

What's the difference between a Scotsman and a Rolling Stone?
→ A Rolling Stone says "hey you, get off of my cloud!", while a Scotsman says "Hey McLeod, get off of my ewe!"

What did the bagpiper get on his I.Q. test?
→ Drool.

What's the difference between a dead bagpiper in the road and a dead country singer in the road?
→ The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session.

What's the definition of a quarter tone?
→ A bagpiper tuning his drones.

Why do bagpipers leave their cases on their dashboards?
→ So they can park in handicapped zones.

If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune bagpipe player, an out of tune bagpipe player, or Santa Claus?
→ The out of tune bagpipe player.
The other two indicate you have been hallucinating.

What's the difference between a lawnmower and a bagpipe?
→ You can tune the lawnmower, and the owner's neighbors are upset if you borrow the lawnmower and don't return it.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
→ To get away from the bagpipe recital.

How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
→ You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.

How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch?
→ He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks.

What's the only thing worse than a bagpiper?
→ Good question. We're still trying to find out too.

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
→ To get away from the noise.

Why is it good that accordionists have a half-ounce more brains than horses?
→ So they don't disgrace themselves in parades.

What's the difference between a chainsaw and an accordion?
→ A chainsaw can be tuned.

What's an accordion good for?
→ Learning how to fold a map.

How do you protect a valuable instrument?
→ Hide it in an accordion case.

What's the definition of perfect pitch?
→ When an accordion is thrown down the toilet without it touching the sides.

What's the difference between an onion and an accordion?
→ No-one cries when you chop up an accordion.

What's the range of an accordion?
→ Twenty yards if you've got a good arm!

What is the definition of an optimist?
→ An accordion player with a pager.