An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.
"Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night." "Have you tried counting sheep?"
"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying tofind it."
Have you all stopped to think where you fit in this equation? From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this: What makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? Here??s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26Then:H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 =…
A young man walked into the local welfare office, marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi, I hate drawing welfare. I would really rather find a job. The man behind the counter replied, "Your timing is amazing. We've just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nympho daughter. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes, but the suits, shirts, and ties are provided. Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be provided. You will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holidays. The salary package is $200,000 a year.". The young man said, "You're bullshitting me, man!" The man behind the counter said…
A lumberjack new to the job had trouble meeting his quota. He worked ashard as he could, but still he could only chop down two or three treesin a day.
His supervisor noticed this, and asked what was wrong. Maybehis chainsaw was broken. The supervisor turned it on, but it was workingfine.
The lumberjack looked incredibly startled and asked, "What's that noise?"
The Perfect Worker1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found2 hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be10 classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be12 promoted to executive…
Paddy wanted to be an accountant, so he went for an aptitude test.
Tester: If I give you two rabbits, two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Seven!
Tester: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits, two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Seven!
Tester: Let's try this another way. If I give you two bottles of beer, two bottles of beer, and another two bottles of beer, how many bottles of beer have you got?
Paddy: Six.
Tester: Good! Now, if I give you two rabbits, two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got? Paddy: Seven!
Tester: How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is…
Now I understand what marketing is:You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You approach her and tell her: "I am very good in bed". That is Direct Marketing.
You are at a party with a group of friends and you see a very pretty girl. One of your friends approaches her and tells her: "That guy over there is very good in bed". That is Advertising.
You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You ask for her phone number. The following day you call her and tell her: "I am very good in bed". That is Telemarketing .
You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You recognize her, you approach her and refresh her memory by telling her: "Do you remember how good I am in bed?" That…
Two executives working in the garment center are having lunch together. Goldstein says to his friend, "Last week was one of the worst weeks of my entire life."
"What happened?" asks Birnbaum.
Goldstein moans, "My wife and I went to Florida on vacation. It rained for seven days and seven nights, so my wife went out and spent thousands of dollars on the credit card. I came back to New York and found out that my brother-in-law accountant has been ripping me off for millions. And, to top it all off, when I came in to work on Monday morning, I found my son having sex with the garment model on my desk!"
"You think you had a bad week?" responds Birnbaum. "My week was even worse! I went to Florida on…
The pretty secretary came in late for work the third day in a row.
The boss called her into his office and said, "Now look Sharon, Iknow we had a wild fling for a while, but that's over. I expectyou to conduct yourself like any other employee around here. The boss pressed on, " Who told you you could come and go as youplease around here ?" Sharon simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while exhaling said,...."
My lawyer."
A man comes home with his little daughter, whom he has just takento work. The little girl asks, "I saw you in your office with your secretary. Why do you call her a doll?" Feeling his wife's gaze upon him, the man explains, "Well, honey,my secretary is a very hard-working girl. She types like youwouldn't believe, she knows the computer system and is veryefficient." "Oh," says the little girl, "I thought it was because she closedher eyes when you lay her down on the couch."
Despite his best sales pitch, a life-insurance salesmanwas unable to get a couple to sign up for a policy. "I certainly don't want to frighten you into a decision,"he announced, standing up to leave ... "Please sleep on it tonight, and if you wake up in themorning, let me know what you think."
The bank manager was in the final stages of hiring a cashierandwas down to two final applicants -- one of which would get the job.
The first one interviewed was from a small college in upstateNew York. A nice young man, but a bit timid.
Then he called for the second man, "Jim Johnson!" Up stepped aburley young man who seemed quite sure of himself.
"He looks like he cantake care of any situation," thought the manager,and decided, there and then,to hire him. He turned to the firstapplicant and told him he could go and they would let him know.
Turning to Johnson, he said, "Now Jim, I like the way you carryyourself -- that's an important asset for the job as cashier.
Mrs. Jones is having her house painted, and her husband comeshome from work and leans against the freshly painted wall. The next day, she says to the painter, "You wanna see wheremy husband put his hand last night?" He sighs and says, "Look, lady, I got a tough day's work aheadof me. Why don't you just make us a cup of tea?"
The owner of a small crossroads store in South Carolina was appointed postmaster. Over six months went by and not one piece of mail left towm. Deeply concerned, postal authorities in Washington wrote the postmaster to inquire why.
They received this short and simple explantion: "The bag ain't full yet."
A Manager of a retail clothing store is reviewing a potentialemployee's application and notices that the man has neverworked in retail before.
He says to the man, "For a man with no experience, you arecertainly asking for a high wage."
"Well Sir," the applicant replies, "the work is so much harderwhen you don't know what you'redoing!"
MOST IMPORTANTLY: DON'T forward any of this to your boss by mistake!!!
Build Vocabulary. Read up on some computer magazines andpick out all the jargon and new products. Use it freely whenin conversation with bosses. Remember: They don't have tounderstand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.
Stacking Strategy. It is not enough to pile lots ofdocuments on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc. .
Can always borrow from library. Thick computer manuals are the best.
Creative Sighing for Effect. Sigh loudly when there aremany people around, giving the impression that you arevery hard pressed.
Appear to Work Late. Always leave the office late,especially when the boss is still around. You could readmagazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read buthave no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walkpast the boss' room on your way out. Send important emailsat unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc...) and duringpublic holidays.
Looking Impatient and Annoyed. According to GeorgeCostanza, one should also always try to look impatientand annoyed to give your bosses the impression thatyou are always busy.
Voice Mail. Never answer your phone if you have voicemail. People don't call you just because they want to giveyou something for nothing - they call because they want YOUto do work for THEM. That's no way to live. Screen all yourcalls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mailmessage for you and it sounds like impending work, respondduring lunch hour when you know they're not there - it lookslike you're hardworking and conscientious even though you'rebeing a devious weasel. If you diligently employ the methodof screening incoming calls and then returning calls whennobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds that thecaller will give up or look for a solution that…
Messy desk. Top management can get away with a cleandesk. For the rest of us, it looks like you're not workinghard enough. Build huge piles of documents around yourworkspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the sameas today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high andwide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, burythe document you'll need halfway down in an existing stackand rummage for it when he/she arrives.
Use computers to look busy. Any time you use a computer,it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send andreceive personal e-mail, calculate your finances andgenerally have a blast without doing anything remotelyrelated to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefitsthat the proponents of the computer revolution would like totalk about but they're not bad either. When you get caught byyour boss -and you will get caught - your best defence isto claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thussaving valuable training dollars.
George Costanza's Tips for Working Hard INever walk down the hall without a document in yourhands. People with documents in their hands look likehardworking employees heading for important meetings. Peoplewith nothing in their hands look like they're heading for thecafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look likethey're heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure youcarry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generatingthe false impression that you work longer hours than you do.
