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Telegram received from ex-employee:"Fuck you. I quit. Strong message to follow."

What is the difference between a toilet and Convienience Store Clerk?

A toilet only has to deal with one asshole at a time.

Did you hear about the welfare doll?

You wind it up and it doesn't work.

How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, or an airline stewardess?
→ A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit." A schoolteacher says, "We're going to have to do this over and over again until we get it right." An airline stewardess says, "Just hold this over your mouth and nose, and breathe normally."

The company president called the chief security guard into his office. "Chuck, we've received a complaint from one of the employees that you are making obscene sexual comments and putting your hands where they don't belong. These unwanted advances will have to stop." Chuck looked down at his feet and mumbled, "I'm sorry, Sir. I won't do it again." The company president said, "I'm sure Ms. Jones will be happy to hear that." Chuck's face lit up. "Ms Jones?!!!! I was afraid that Bob in Accounting was complaining!!!!"

How do you know if your secretary's having a bad day?
→ Her tampon is behind her ear and she can't find her pencil

Work Environment:

• (Wise manager) + (Wise employee) = PROFIT
• (Wise manager) + (Dumb employee) = PRODUCTION
• (Dumb manager) + (Wise employee) = PROMOTION
• (Dumb manager) + (Dumb employee) = OVERTIME

How do you get 20 vice presidents in a mini-van?
→ Promote one and watch the other 19 crawl up his ass.

How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
→ We've formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out, and figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder.

A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair smells nice. The woman immediately goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and explains why. The supervisor is puzzled by this time and says, "What's wrong with the coworker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "He's a midget."

Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done.

Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security

Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time, Jones?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."

Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river (look, my suit's still damp), ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."

"You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously disappointed…

- Boss: My laptop computer is locked up. Can you help?

- Dilbert: Remember you have to hold it upside down and shake it to reboot.

- Boss: Oh, that's right.

- Wally: I wonder if he'll ever realise we gave him an "Etch-A-Sketch."

A man goes to his bank manager and says "I'd like to start a small business how do I go about it?"

The bank manager leans back and clasps his hands together on his gut and replies "Buy a big one and wait"

The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard at low pay for long hours. The blacksmith immediately began his instructions to the lad, "When I take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer." The apprentice did just as he told. Now he's the village blacksmith.

Life Insurance Agent: Don't let me frighten you into a decision. Sleep on it tonight, and if you wake up in the morning, let me know what you think.

Some professions

A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.

A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.

A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.

A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Some of the most tactful people on Earth are English. One office supervisor called a secretary in to give her the bad news that she was being fired. He started the conversation with: "Miss Symthe, I really don't know how we're going to get along without you, but starting Monday, we're going to try."

A fellow is walking into a hospital and sees two doctors down on their hands and knees in one of the flower beds. He goes over and says, "Can I help? Have you lost something?"

"No," says one of the doctors. "We're about to do a heart transplant on an accountant and we're looking for a suitable stone."

When does a person decide to become an accountant?
→ When he realises he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.

The external organs of a body were fighting over who should be boss.

The brain said, "I should be boss, since I control what the person thinks." The hands said, "I should be boss because I do almost everything for the person."

The legs declared, "I shuld be boss since I carry the body and all the weight is on me."

So they went on, each stating their qualities and uses.

Then the Asshole spoke up, "I think I should be boss, because.."

He had not finished when everyone else started laughing at him. "You, an asshole, be the boss? You gotta be kidding!"

The asshole was very unhappy, and he closed himself up.

The body soon suffered a terrible constipation, and the organs could not take it anymore. "Ok…

Getting anything done around here is like mating elephants.

It's done on a very high level.

There's a lot of stomping and screaming involved.

And it takes two years to get any results.

- Employer: In this job we need someone who is responsible.

- Applicant: I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
→ They're hiring.

As a result of an internal investigation, one of the Duty Officer's stunning, blonde staffers was transferred to an obscure base in Utah.

The woman reported to her new Commanding Officer and handed him her orders. He glanced at them and said, "Well Private, your duties here will be pretty much the same as your last assignment."

The girl sighed and said, "Yes Sir. I kind-of figured that. Will it be OK if I drape my uniform over this chair?"