The first Jewish woman President is elected.
She calls her Mother:
- Mama, I've won the elections, you've got to come to the swearing-in ceremony.
- I don't know, what would I wear?
- Don't worry, I'll send you a dressmaker
- But I only eat kosher food
- Mama, I am going to be the president, I can get you kosher food
- But how will I get there?
- I'll send a limo, just come mama
- Ok, Ok, if it makes you happy.
What does a Jewish American Princess make for dinner?
→ Reservations.
Why can't you circumcise Iranians?
→ There's no end to those pricks.
How do we know that the "Toothbrush" was invented in West Virginia?
→ Had it been invented anywhere else it would have been called a "Teethbrush".
What is every Amish woman's private fantasy?
→ Two Mennonite!
A young black boy goes into the kitchen where his mother is baking. He puts his hands in the flour and coats his face with it. He looks at his mother and says "Look Momma, I'm a white boy." His mother slaps him hard on the face and says "Boy, go show your Daddy." The boy goes into the living room and says "Look Daddy, I'm a white boy." His Daddy slaps him on the face, too and says, "Boy, go show your grandmother." So the boy goes to see his grandma and says "Look Granny, I'm a white boy." She slaps him on the face and sends him back to his mother. His mother says "Well, did you learn something from all this?" The boy shakes his head and says "I sure nuff did, I've only been a white boy for…
How do Redneck mothers know when their daughters are having their period?
→ Their son's dicks taste funny!
A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it where the man verifies his ticket number.
The Redneck says "I want my $20 million."
To which the man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today, and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years."
The Redneck said, "Oh, no. I want all my money RIGHT now! I won it, and I want it."
Again the man patiently explains that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.
The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I WANT MY MONEY!! If you're not going to give me my $20 million "right now," THEN I WANT MY DOLLAR BACK!!"
What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
→ One less drunk.
So this Mexican dude was taking a piss on the side of a building and this white dude sees him. After the Mexican is done the white guy asks him, "How come you Mexicans don't wash your hands after you pee?"
And the Mexican guy replies, "Because we Mexicans don't piss in our hands"
Why did Santa Anna bring only 4000 troops to the Alamo?
→ He only had 2 cars.
Why don't mexicans have barbeques?
→ The beans keep slipping through the grill.
Why don't mexicans have checking accounts?
→ It's too hard to spray paint your name on the little line.
What did the mongoloid say to his dog?
→ Downsyndrome!!
Why can't black women become nuns?
→ They can't say superior after mother.
A young Jewish couple had only recently set up housekeeping when an unfortunate incident occurred.
Early one morning, the wife, drowsy from bed, went to the toilet for the morning's relief, and neglected to notice that the seat was up.
When she sat, she kept going!
She was just the right size and shape so that she became jammed into the toilet past her waist with her legs sticking straight up in front of her.
She cried for her husband, who rushed in, and for the next hour tried desperately to extricate her.
In this process they removed her sleeping gown, but this only left her naked and still stuck, with a particular part of her anatomy prominently visible between her splayed legs.
How do you circumcise a redneck?
→ Kick his sister in the chin.
This guy is walking through Chinatown and sees a building with a sign "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry." "Hans Olaffsen?", he thinks. "How in the world does that fit in here?"
So, he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman sitting in the corner. The visitor asks, "How in the world did this place get a name like Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?"
The old man answers "Is name of owner."
The visitor asks "Well, who is the owner?"
"I am he," answers the old man.
"You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"
The old man replies, "Many years ago when I come to this country, I was standing in line at Documentation Center. Man in front of me was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, "What your…
A Chinese man is making love to his wife. He whispers in her ear, "Baby, I wanna' 69!"
She gives him a strange look and replies, "You want Beef and Broccoli NOW?"
A Jewish man has just won the lottery and invites his family to a dinner. He then stands up to thank everyone.
"First I must thank my beautiful wife for her help and support, then I want to thank my children, and the lottery commission."
"Then I would like to thank Adolf Hitler". Suddenly everyone was silent as he showed some numbers tatooed on his forearm and said, "For the winning numbers".
Isaac and Hymie were two tired Brooklyn businessmen who were ordered to take a Caribbean cruise by their doctors. The second night out on the way to Martinique they were leaning against the rail, looking at the big bright tropical moon on the sea, really starting to unwind.
Suddenly the rail broke and both Jews fell screaming into the ocean. They came up gasping and spluttering and saw the ship sailing away from them into the darkness. As Isaac had fallen overboard he had managed to grab a life preserver, and now he clung to it, desperately treading water. "Hyman!" he called out, "Hyman, can you float alone?"
"Oy vay!" called out Hymie from the dark waters. "Vat a time to talk business!"
Did you hear about the Polish Navy's tragic accident?
→ A hundred and thirty-seven sailors drowned trying to push-start their new submarine.
Who are Sven War, Ollie Famine, Piter Pestilence, and Jergi Death?
→ The four Norseman of the Apocolypse.
How do you know Monica Lewinsky is Jewish?
→ If she wasn't, she wouldn't have stained her dress.
The Frenchman and the Italian were in the woods hunting together when suddenly a voluptuous blonde girl raced across their path, totally nude. "Would I love to eat that? Oui, oui!" the Frenchman said, smacking his lips.
So the Italian shot her.
