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What's the one thing you can do to a Jewish girl's asshole to make her squeal with delight?
→ Give him a raise.

What's the difference between an Italian mother and a Jewish mother?
→ An Italian mother says, "If you don't eat it, I'll kill you."
→ A Jewish mother says, "If you don't eat it, I'll kill myself."

How do Jewish people celebrate Christmas?
→ They all gather around their cash registers and sing "What a Friend We Have In Jesus..."

Did you hear about the fire in the rednecks library?
→ Both the books got burned, and one hadn't even been coloured in yet.

What's long and hard that a Greek bride gets on her wedding night?
→ A new last name.

Did you hear about the man who was half Jewish & half Italian?
→ He made himself an offer he couldn't understand.

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, an Aussie, an Abo, a Yank, an African, an elephant, a refrigerator, two blondes, a homosexual, three social workers, a Jew, a crocodile and a kiwi all walked into a bar.

The bartender turned around and said, "Is this some kind of a joke?"

This black guy is walking along a beach when he looks down and sees an antique lamp. Thinking that he'll get enough money for another vial of crack, he takes the bottle home and starts to clean it. He starts rubbing the lamp, when all of a sudden a Jewish genie appears, and being a Jewish genie, he say's to the nigger that he have two wishes. The black guy thinks for a couple of seconds, and quickly says: "I want to be white and surrounded by cunt."

In an instant he is turned into a tampon.

Now the morale of this story is: Don't ever expect anything from a Jew without strings attached.

Paddy Murphy had just returned to Ireland from a holiday in Australia.

His mate asked him what it was like.

"Australia's a great place!" Paddy replied. "First they take you home and fill you so full of piss you can't stand up. Then, to top it off, they let you fuck their women whenever you want."

"Is that right?" said his mate very impressed. "I always heard Australians were real pricks."

"Well," said Paddy, "Only the white ones!"

An Irishman, Englishman and Scotchman sitting on a beach notice a mermaid sitting on a rock. The Englishman approaches her and says 'Have you ever been kissed?' No says the Mermaid. He kisses her and she likes it. After a while the Scotchman approaches her and says 'Have you ever been fondled?'. She says no and he fondles her, much to her delight. After another while the irishman approaches her and asks 'Have you ever been fucked?' She says no. 'Well you are fucked now because the tide's gone out.'

An Australian joke...

St Peter is standing at the pearly gates one day when a pair of Abo's stroll up.

"Your names aren't on today's list... let me go and ask the Boss" he says.

In God's office he tells the Big Man all about the two Abo's, and God tells Peter to go and tell them to fuck right off.

St Peter takes his leave. 5 minutes later St Peter runs back into the room and says "they're gone"

God says "the Abo's? Good". and St Peter replies... "NO THE PEARLY GATES!!!".

How do Catholics separate the men from the boys?
→ With a crowbar.

Why do Jews wear yarmulkes?
→ Because the little propellers cost extra!

If Tarzan and Jane were Jewish, what would Cheetah be?
→ A fur coat.

Why did the Jews wander in the desert for forty years?
→ Somebody dropped a shekel.

What happened to the Irishman who tried to kill himself by swallowing 100 pain killers?
→ After two he began to feel better.

A girl sat sobbing in the police station. "I was raped by an Italian," she wailed.

"How do you know it was an Italian?" the detective asked.

"I had to help him," the girl replied.

There were these three blokes sitting on the high cliffs of a lonely beach, with a rope going down into the surf and a Chinaman frantically trying to climb up.

While they were sitting there a Priest walks along, looks over and says, "God bless you children, that's Christianity at work. May the lord bless you both," and then kept on walking.

One bloke looks at the other, "Who the fuck was that?" "Oh," said the other bloke, "that's Father Johnston. He knows all there is about the bible."

The other bloke looked around and quickly says, "Well he knows fuck all about shark fishing."

Where do you find 60 million french jokes?
→ In France.

Why do New Zealanders have sex with sheep on the edge of mountains?
→ So they push back harder.

Two Polish guys went away on their annual hunting expedition, and by accident one was shot by the other. His worried companion got him out of the deep woods, into the car, and off to the nearest hospital.

"Well, Doc," he inquired anxiously, "is he going to make it?"

"It's tough," said the doctor. "He'd have a better chance if you hadn't gutted him first."

One day there was an indian chief who was constipated. he sent one of his warriors to the witch doctor to get some medicine. The warrior says "Big Chief, no shit". the doctor gave him 1 pill and told him that the chief should be fine tomorrow.

The warrior went back to the chief and gave him the pill. the next morning the warrior was sent back to the witch doctor and says "big chief, no shit". the doctor gives him five pills and tells him to give them to the chief.

The next day the warrior appears at the witch doctor's house yet again saying "big chief, no shit". the doctor gets annoyed and so gives the warrior the whole bottle of pills to give to the chief.

How do a jewish couple have oral sex?
→ SET AT OPPOSITE ENDS OF THE BED AND YELL SCREW YOU TO ONE AND OTHER

Mr. Goldfarb was walking down the street. In each arm he carried a bag. He ran into Mr. Klein. Mr. Klein asked, "What are those bags for?"

"I'm collecting for Israel", said Mr. Goldfarb.

"You need two bags?", asked Mr. Klein.

"I've got a system," said Mr. Goldfarb. "It's fantastic. I go into the men's room. I pull out a knife and hold it up. Then I say, 'Give for Israel or get a circumcision.' It works. I have forty thousand dollars in this bag."

"What do you have in the other bag?" inquired Mr. Klein.

"Oh, well, not everybody gives."

O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.

"Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"