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Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.

"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "it's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing", says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Tool, it says here that he was 95 when he died."

Just then, Shamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145 years old!"

"What was his name?" asks Paddy.

Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."

What's the difference between American and Serbian pilots?
→ American pilots break ground and fly into the wind!

In America the late night news used to broadcast this message: "It's 11 o'clock do you know where your children are?"

In England they say "It's 11 o'clock do you know where your wife is?"
In France they say "It's 11 o'clock do you know where your husband is?"
In Poland they say "It's 11 o'clock do you know what time it is?"

Two Irishmen are sitting in a bar. Mick's looking particularly sad and Patrick asks him what the matter is. mick says, "well, I knew that my grandfather had died in the war, but I've just found out that he actually died in the auschwitz concentration camp."

Patrick says, "that's terrible, did he go to the gas chamber?" and Mick replies, "no, he fell out of the machine gun tower."

Two friends, an Italian boy and a Jewish boy, come of age at the same time. The Italian boy's father presents him with a new pistol.

On the other side of town, at his bar Mitzvah, the Jewish boy receives a beautiful gold watch. The next day at school, the two boys are showing each other what they got. They each liked what the other one got, so, they traded.

That night, when the Italian boy is at home, his father sees him looking at the watch. "Where did you getta thatta watch?" asks the man. The boy explains that he and Sammy had traded. The father blows his top. "Whatta you? Stupidda boy? Whatsa matta you!"

"Somma day, you maybe gonna getta married. Then maybe somma day you gonna comma home…

That Scottish couple finally worked out a solution to the eternal love triangle.

They ate the sheep.

What did the Jewish paedophile say to the little boy after luring him into his car?
→ Hey, go easy on those fucking sweets.

How is Christmas celebrated in a Jewish home?
→ They put parking meters on the roof!

A young lady asked the Scotsman what he wore under his kilt.

"Reach up there and find out."

She did, but quickly pulled her hand back out and said, "Oh, it's gruesome!"

"Aye, it has," replied the Scotsman, "and if you put your hand back up there, it'll grow some more!"

35 People and an Irishman were in a 4 engine jumbo jet heading over the Pacific Ocean. Suddenly, a Message is announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen Engine #2 has Died, We will be 30 mins late"

"Damn!" Said the Irishman. 10 mins later, "I'm sorry people Engine #3 has died, We'll be 1 hour late"

20 mins later, "Every one, engine # 4 has died, sorry, We'll be 2 hours late"

Suddenly the Irish man speaks out, "Bloody hell, If the last engine goes we'll be stuck up here all day!!"

A Jewish young man was seeing a psychiatrist for an eating and sleeping disorder. "I am so obsessed with my mother... As soon as I go to sleep, I start dreaming, and everyone in my dream turns into my mother. I wake up in such a state, all I can do is go downstairs and eat a piece of toast." The psychiatrist replies: "What, just one piece of toast, for a big boy like you?"

What do a hurricane, a tornado, and a redneck divorce all have in common?
→ Someone's going to lose their trailer...

A boy comes home from school and tells his mother that he got a part in the school play. "What part?" the mother asked.

"I play a Jewish husband," the boy replied. "Go back to school and tell your teacher that you want a speaking role!"

A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer and says to the bartender, "Hey, I got this great Polish Joke..." The barkeep glares at him and says in a warning tone of voice: "Before you go telling that joke you better know that I'm Polish, both bouncers are Polish and so are most of my customers" "Okay" says the customer, "I'll tell it very slowly."

Two Scotsmen met 25 years after their last get-together. They hugged and slapped each others back and tears formed in their eyes as they renewed their old friendship.

"Let's have a drink like we did in the old days," the first Scot winked at his mate.

"Aye," his mate replied. "And don't forget it's your shout."

A man was driving through West Virginia looking for a place to move to.

He saw 2 men sitting on a porch and said, "I'm moving here from the city, what do you guys do around here?"

The men answered, "Go hunt'n, kill things, 'n screw".

He then asked, "What do you hunt and kill?"

The men replied, "Sumt'n ta screw."

Did you hear about the New 3 Million Dollar Alabama State Lottery?
→ 3 dollars a year for a million years.

Two boys are playing football in Golden Gate Park when one is attacked by a Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.

A reporter who is strollin by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. "A brave New Yorker saves friend from vicious animal", he starts writing in his notebook.

"But I'm not from New York" the boy replies.

"I'm visiting from Kentucky!"

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Redneck bastard kills family pet".

What did the redneck get on his I.Q. test?
→ Drool.

Did you hear about the Irishman who went duck hunting?
→ He didn't get any because he couldn't throw the dog high enough.

A black guy walks into a tavern with a parrot on his shoulder... the bartender looks up and says, "Where the hell did you get that thing?"

The Parrot replies, "Over in Africa, there's millions of them!!!"

Did you hear about the Irishman who went to the toilet?
→ He wiped the chain and pulled himself.

Did you hear about the Mexico City earthquake?
→ It did $100 million worth of improvements.

Did you hear about the new German microwave oven?
→ It seats 500.

Did you hear about the Jewish Santa Claus?
→ He comes down the chimney, wakes up the children and says, "Hey kids, do you want to buy some toys?"