A pedophile dies in a car crash and goes to heaven. He's stopped at the pearly gates by St. Peter, who is really miffed: "You swine. How can you have the audacity to try and enter heaven after you have lead such a perverted, ungodly life. Do you think you have a snowballs chance in hell of meeting god?"
"Fuck God... I'm after the baby Jesus."
Why are there so many Jones's in the phone book?
→ Because they all have phones.
What is the rallying cry of the International Dyslexic Pride movement?
→ Dyslexics Untie!
A woman goes into a bar and orders a beer. She grabs the beer and tips it down the back of her skirt. The barman looks amazed as she orders another and again tips it down her skirt.
Finally, the barman says: "Why are you tipping your drinks down your skirt?"
"Well," the chick replies, "I've just won the lottery and this is the only arsehole I'm shouting!"
What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
→ A pool table.
What would Princess Diana be doing right now if she were alive today?
→ Scratching on the lid of her casket.
What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?
→ A quarter-pounder with cheese.
How do you tell two KKK members apart?
→ Ask their wife. After all, she's their mother....
What's the difference between a policeman's knightstick and a magician's wand?
→ A Magician's wand is for cunning stunts.
A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and sends her the top part. Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice. A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, "Thank you for the picture. Change your…
A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published. After the editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word, she pauses, reflects and then says, "Well, then, let it read 'Fred Brown died'." Confounded at the woman's thrift, the editor stammers that there is a 7-word minimum for all obituaries. The woman pauses again, counts on her fingers and replies, "In that case, 'Fred Brown died: 1983 Pick-up for sale'."
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time. "I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."
"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"
"The guy was your doctor."
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
→ "I just got laid and now you want me to get hard?!"
The medics rush Mr. Steinberg to the hospital in the middle of the night, apparently with a massive heart attack. The doctors work on him all night and morning and finally discharge him to ICU, where therapy continues. In a couple of days Mr. Steinberg's physician comes into his room and says, "Sol, I'm happy to tell you that you are completely well. You have the heart function that you did when you were a fifteen-year-old lad. We're going to send you home tomorrow. You don't have to worry about your heart; do any physical exercise that you like." Mr. Steinberg goes home and that evening is talking with his wife: "Doris, you'll never believe it: I'm completely well. I have no worries with…
I've got trouble with the wife again - she came into the bar looking for me and I asked for her number.
The eighty-eight-year-old millionaire married an eighteen-year-old country girl. He was quite content, but after a few weeks she told him that she was going to leave him if she didn't get some loving real soon. He had his chauffeured limousine take him to a high-priced specialist who studied him and then gave him a shot of spermatozoa. "Now look," the doctor said, "the only way you're going to get it up is to say "beep," and then to get it soft again, you say, "beep, beep.""
"How marvelous," the old man said.
"Yes, but I must warn you," the doctor said, "it's only going to work three times before you die."
On his way home, the man decided he wasn't going to live through three of them anyway…
The doctor had just completed his examination of the gorgeous redhaired beauty.
"I would suggest to you, young lady," began the medic, as he regained some of his professional dignity, "that you discontinue some of your running around.
Stop drinking so much, cut down on your smoking, and above all you will have to start eating properly and getting to bed early." Then, as a pleasant afterthought, he added: "Why not have dinner with me tonight? I'll see to it that you have the proper food and that you'll be in bed by 9:00!"
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
→ So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
→ Because a woman who can't afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
Jim Smith wished to buy a present for his first sweetheart, and after careful consideration he decided on a pair of gloves.
Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister, he went to a department store and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the items got mixed up. (The sweetheart got the panties.) Without checking the contents, Jim sealed his package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note.
Dearest Darling,
This is a little gift to show you I have not forgotten you this Christmas.
I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your…
On their first night to be together, the newly wed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered and wearing her beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "my dear, we are married now, you can open your robe."
The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished. "Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture." Puzzled she asks, "MY picture?" He answers, "yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever". She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "why do you wear a robe? We are married now." at that the man…
Storming into his lawyer's office, a Texas oil magnate demanded that divorce proceedings begin at once against his young bride.
"What's the problem?"
"I want to hit that adulterin' bitch for breach of contract," snapped the oil man.
"I don't know if that will fly," said the lawyer. "I mean your wife isn't a piece of property; you don't own her!"
"Damn right," the tycoon rejoined, "but I sure as hell expect exclusive drillin' rights!"
Did you know that once you get married, you can look forward to three different kinds of sex?
First, there's House Sex: That's when you make love all over the house: on the floor, on the kitchen table, in the garage, anywhere, anytime -- much like two crazed rabbits.
Then comes Bedroom Sex: That's when the kids are finally fed, bathed and asleep; the curtains closed; nothing much on TV; and the door locked -- you make love in the bedroom.
Last comes Hall Sex: That's when you pass each other in the hall and snarl -- "Screw You!"
What women want in a relationship: A handsome, loving professional man who will just love them for who they are.
What women get: A fat, balding fart machine who stays with them only because no other woman wants him.
What men want in a woman: A combination of Carol Brady and Pamela Lee Anderson; Wonderful Mom with big hooters and can suck the chrome off a flag pole.
What men get: Someone who immediately begins to gain those 80 extra lbs the moment after she says "I Do", beginning with the wedding cake!
What women want in bed: A passionate lover who takes the time to kiss and gently caress, slowly building up to a wonderful joyous experience together.
Three guys were sitting in a bar talking.
One was a Doctor, one was a Lawyer, and one was a Biker.
After a sip of his martini, the doctor said; "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I got my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedez. I figure that if she doesn't like the diamond ring, she will at least like the Mercedez, and she will know that I love her."
After finishing his scotch, the lawyer replied; "Well, on my last anniversary, I got my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, she would at least like the trip, and she would know that I love her."
The Biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said; "Yah, well for my anniversary, I got my…
