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How many TV evangelists does it take to change a light bulb?
→ One, but for the message of light to continue, send in your donation today.

Visual joke: Stand with both arms outstreached level with your shoulders.

Ask: "what's this?" - A really crappy way to spend Easter.

Do you know what happens if you don't pay your exorcist?
→ You get repossessed!

What is white and flies across the sky?
→ The coming of the Lord.

The Pope calls a meeting of all the cardinals. When they have all assembled at the Vatican, he takes them into the meeting hall and states, "I have some really fantastic news and some very terrible news." Of course, all the cardinals want to hear the good news first, so the Pope tells them, "Jesus Christ has returned to the world. The time of judgement is at hand, and our faith in his existence is justified."

After the commotion dies down a bit, one of the cardinals speaks up, asking what the terrible news is. The Pope replies, "He was calling from Salt Lake City."

May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the crotch of the person who screws up your day and may their arms be too short to scratch.

Amen

There are three religious truths:

1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters

The girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."

- What is it, child?

- Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am.

The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin... it's simply a mistake."

The congregation was sitting and waiting for the preacher to began his sermon when two masked men burst into the church and said "Whoever is not willing to take a bullet for Jesus better leave now." More than half of the congregation jumped up and ran out the door. The two men took off their masks, sat in the front row and said, "Okay, Reverend, you can preach now. All the hyprocrites are gone."

There was a cowboy who went to the outhouse. He heard some noise, so he looked inside, and lo and behold there was an Indian down in the hole.

- The cowboy said, "How long have you been down there?"

- The Indian replied, "Many moons."

A guy was in a bar, and asked for some milk. So in turn a pregnant topless dancer got on the bar and squeezed the milk out of her tits. He looked at this and said to himself, "I would hate to see how they give out bloody Mary's."

An eminent teacher and thinker once expressed his philosophy of life succinctly. "When it all boiled down to the essence of truth," the philosopher said, "one just live by a dog's rule of life: If you can't eat it or fuck it, piss on it!!!"

The new FDA milk labeling rules are so strict, it's now illegal to print a picture of a missing fat kid on a carton of skim milk.

If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside????
→ K9P.

What is grosser than gross?
→ Having a dream about chocolate pudding and then waking up with a spoon in your butt.

What is the last thing each Tickle Me Elmo doll receives before he leaves the factory?
→ Two Test Tickles

What is the difference between a wicker basket and a wicker box?
→ A wicker basket is what little red riding hood took to grandma's house.
→ A wicker box is what Elmer Fudd did to little red riding hood.

On Jeopardy...

- Trebek: The category is "Political Subversion". The answer is: This entity is dedicated to the destruction of religion, morality, and the American way of life.

- Player: What is the KGB?

- Trebek: Be more specific.

- Player: What is PBS?

- Trebek: Right!

What is your date of birth?
→ July fifteenth.

What year?
→ Every year.

Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
→ We both do.

Voodoo?
→ We do.

You do?
→ Yes, voodoo.

- Father: Did Paul bring you home last night?

- Daughter: Yes, it was late. Daddy. Did the noise disturb you?

- Father: No, My Dear, it wasn't the noise. It was the silence.

A partially deaf gentleman was extolling the virtues of his new hearing aid. "It's marvelous," he enthused to a friend. "Since I acquired it I can hear the birds chirping on the hearth. I can also hear clearly a conversation being held in an apartment a full block away!"

"You don't say," said his friend. "What kind is it?"

The proud owner consulted his wristwatch and answered, "Twenty minutes after two."

What's brown and sticky?
→ A stick.

Have you ever wondered why you wonder why?

I used to wonder why, but now I don't wonder why I wonder why.

I wonder why I don't wonder why anymore?

There were these three morticians talking about their greatest feats. The first one says, "I had this soldier who stepped on a land mine. Took me three days to get him ready for an open casket funeral!!" The next guy says, "oh yeah? I had this construction worker fall 15 stories, then he got run over by a steam roller, but I had him ready for an open casket funeral in two days!!!" The third guy sulks in the corner, "man. both y'all got me beat. I had this lady parachutist who landed on the empire state building. it took me four days just to get the grin off her face."