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Regardless of what you may hear, there's still many women these days who are excellent "housekeepers". Seems each time they get a divorce, they keep the house.

The pro quarterback was petitioning the court to have his recent marriage annulled. "On what grounds?" questioned the Judge, "This court does not take annulments lightly."

"Non-virginity," replied the quarterback, "When I married her, I thought I was getting a tight end, but instead, I found that I had married a wide receiver."

With the divorce rate so high in America, a new organization has been formed called "Marriage Anonymous." Whenever a guy feels like getting married, they send over a woman with crulers in her hair, cream on her face and wearing a torn housecoat to nag him out of it.

I know a husband and wife who have separate bedrooms, drive different cars, take separate vacations, work different shifts, have their own computers, and even have their own ISPs, separate e-mail addresses and Home Pages. They say they're doing everything they can to keep their marriage together.

Speaking of divorce (I was), this woman petitions the court for a divorce on the grounds that her husband "beats her." The Judge, wanting every detail asked how often it was he beat the woman.

"Every damn time your Honor," she sighed, "Every damn time!"

I have this friend who has a real dilemma. His wife won't give him a divorce until she figures out a way of doing it without making him a happy man.

The divorce court was attentive as the wealthy Yuppette complained to the Judge that her husband had left her bed and board.

When she had finished, the husband's lawyer rose to his feet and coolly replied, "Your Honor, I have a slight correction in the typing of the charging documents. My client claims that he left her bed 'bored'."

A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor. He gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests, then concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts."

"Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's 'love canal'. Then, on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue."

While making love to his wife, Carl discovered he couldn't enjoy it. Though they had been married only a few years, he reflected unhappily, their love-making had become infrequent and bland. Then quite suddenly, alarmed, he said: "What happened, did I hurt you ?"

"Why no, not at all," said his surprised wife. "Whatever made you ask that ?"

"Well, no reason actually," the bored husband replied with a sigh, "It's just that for a moment there, I thought you actually moved."

"What's this I hear about you breaking off your engagement Pam ?" said her closest friend.

"Well," Pam confirmed, "although his diamond was of pretty good quality, his mounting left a lot to be desired."

A lady with a large flowery hat was stopped at the church door by the usher. "Are you a friend of the bride ?" he asked.

"Certainly not," she snapped, "I'm the groom's mother."

A student engineer in the office got engaged some time ago. At her wedding, I was reminding her of the first day she wore her ring. None of the other women in the office even noticed.

Finally, in sheer and total exasperation, she said "Boy !!! It's so warm in here today, I think I'll take off my ring."

A few moments after the daughter announced her engagement, her Father asked, "Does this fellow have any money ?"

The daughter shook her head sadly. "Oh Daddy ! You men are all alike." sighing deeply, she replied, "That's exactly what he asked me about you."

Some time after their bitter divorce, a man happened to pull up alongside his ex-wife at a traffic signal. He shouted over, "So... out looking for a little, huh ?"

She smiled sweetly and said, "No, I had 6 years of that with you. I'm out looking for a lot !!!"

Following a bitter divorce a husband saw his wife at a party and sneered, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."

The wife simply sighed and replied, "Yes, dear, I know, but I was in love and didn't really notice."

Two men are talking. The first sez, "I got married because I was tired of eating out, cleaning the house, doing the laundry and wearing shabby clothes."

"Amazing," said the second, "I just got divorced for the very same reasons."

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

A friend of mine just got divorced. He and his ex-wife split the house. He got the outside.

A man driving outside of Baltimore, Maryland was southbound on Interstate 95 in the far right hand lane traveling at 55 mph, minding his own business. He noticed in his rear view mirror that a Maryland State Trooper was right behind him. A mile later nothing changed, except now he's driving at 65 mph, the maximum limit. Several miles further along, the Trooper's right on his bumper and the man increases his speed to 75 mph. The Trooper activates his lights and siren and the man reluctantly pulls onto the shoulder.

After the Trooper demands the man's driver's license and registration, he sez, "Mr. Smith, I cannot for the life of me figure out why, when you knew I was behind you for quite some…

A man happened to meet his ex-wife at a party, and after a few drinks, he suggested that they might have another try at marriage. His ex-wife sneered in reply, "Over my dead body !"

He downed his drink and replied, "Well, I see you haven't changed one little bit."

Lee was known among his friends for the punctuality with which he sent his wife her alimony payment each month. When he was asked the reason for his haste he shivered and replied: "I'm afraid that if I should ever fall behind in the payments to that witch, she might well try to repossess me."

The newlyweds had decided to take Amtrak's "Car Train" to Florida, so they would have the mobility of being able to use their own vehicle on the honeymoon. They settled into one of the train's upper berths together and cuddled. As the nite progressed, the new bride was heard to say quite excitedly a number of times, "I just can't believe that we're finally married Kenny."

After about the 3rd time in five minutes, a voice came out of the dark, "God dammit Kenny !!! Will you please convince her so's we can all get some sleep ???"

A young couple from the country honeymooned at a really fancy ocean-side resort. Because they knew it would be expensive, they had planned to limit their stay to just the weekend, but were just unable to leave, enjoying themselves and each other so much, and extended their stay another day. Upon checking out, the desk clerk said, "That'll be an additional $150 apiece."

"Good God man !!!" cried the groom, totally shocked, "That's two thousand two-hundred and fifty dollars !!! Are you crazy ???"

After the third day of a really torrid honeymoon, the young couple finally emerged from their room and walked into the hotel restaurant. After they were seated, the waiter came over to get their orders. The new husband looked at his bride and said, "You know what I really feel like honey ?"

"Well sure," she blushed, "But we gotta eat sometime !"

After the lavish wedding reception, the newlyweds retired to their Honeymoon Suite. The groom turned down the lights and found some nice CDs to stack on the player. Then he excused himself and returned in pajamas and robe. He opened a bottle of champagne and poured them each a drink, unaware that his new bride had already had more than enuff to drink. Finally, he took the girl of his dreams, whom he had wed after a whirl-wind courtship, by the hand and tenderly began to lead her towards the bedroom.

"Damn !" she muttered, "every stinking time I go out with a guy it always ends up the same way."