A long-haired youth was hitchhiking through the deep South.
He got a ride from a mean-looking redneck trucker. After riding about 30 miles in silence, the youth finally said, "Well, aren't you going to ask me?"
- Ask you what?
- If I'm a boy or a girl.
- Don't matter. Gonna fuck ya anyway.
How can you tell if your date really digs oral sex?
→ She hikes up her skirt every time you yawn.
Why do they say that eating yogurt and oysters will improve your sex life?
→ Because if you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything.
Two young girls were talking about their sex lives when the first girl says, "Oh my god!, it was really great, but I was Sooo scared after his rubber broke. I didn't get a good night's sleep for a week."
"What happened." Says her intrigued friend.
"I didn't know what I was going to do, but I was finally able to get the last little piece of it out with dental floss."
Two bikers were talking at a bar.
"How's married life?" asks the first.
"It's fine," says the second.
"How's the sex?" asks the first.
"Fine," says the second, "At least I don't have to wait in line!"
Why is having a wank like eating McDonald's?
→ Because it's always exactly the same and afterwards you... swear you'll never do it again.
A couple on their honeymoon woke up after their big night.
The bride rolled over and said, "That was nice but tell me, what did my pussy look like before you rooted it?"
The husband replied "Like a beautiful rose with drops of dew on it."
"That's nice honey" she replied, "What did it look like after you rooted it?"
"Like a bulldog eating porridge" the husband replied.
A guest from some foreign country was bragging that in HIS country there is 79 different ways to make mad passionate love.
Ray listened patiently.
- That's amazing. Where I come from there's really only one.
"Oh," sniffed the Romeo, "just one? And which way is that?"
- Well, there's a man and there's a woman . . .
"Praise Allah!!! Number 80!!!"
A middle-aged guy and his date are making out hot and heavy in the movies when his toupee slides off. As he's groping around for it, his hand goes between her legs, up under her skirt, and lands on her twat.
She says, "That's it! That's it!"
He says, "It can't be. I part mine on the side."
In the Sex Ed class the teacher says, "All right, class, I want you to go home and come back tomorrow with as many positions as you can think of for making sex."
The next day she says to Little Johnny in the back, "Well, John, how many positions did you come up with?"
Johnny says, "Seventy-three."
The teacher says, "Oh, my goodness...uh...very good, John, very good..."
She calls on Becky in the front and says, "All right, Becky, how about you?"
Becky says, "Gee, teacher, I only came up with one...where the guy just lays on top of the girl."
Johnny yells, "Seventy-four."
Jake is 85, and he gets married to a 16-year-old. He walks into the local bar when he gets back from his honeymoon, and all the guys want to hear about his wedding night.
Jake says, "Well, when we got to the hotel, my youngest son carried me up the stairs, undressed me, and lifted me onto the bed with my bride, so's me and her could spend the night together. The next morning all three of my sons came upstairs and lifted me off of her."
The bartender says, "Why did it take three sons to get you off?"
Jake says, "I fought 'em."
A blind guy goes into a whore house. A girl takes him upstairs and starts giving him a blowjob.
- Excuse me, aren't you Karen Carlton, and didn't you go to Cardozo High School in Detroit?
- Yes. How'd you know?
- I never forget a face.
Why don't women blink during foreplay?
→ They don't have time.
Whats long, hard and full of semen??
→ A submarine.
One day a housewife was going about the usual business of cleaning the house, when she suddenly felt intensely horny. Unfortunately, her husband was still at work, so she resorted to stripping off all her clothes and started to masturbate.
She got very excited, rubbing herself and moaning, and when her husband walked in, she was writhing in the middle of the living room floor.
He glanced through the mail and said to his wife, "Honey, when you're finished vacuuming the floor, could you get started on dinner?"
What does a camera and a condom have in common?
→ They both capture that magic moment.
Mick was sitting at the pub telling his mate Harry about a disturbing thing that happened the night before.
"Last night I came home from the pub pissed as a tick, so I hopped into bed and started feeling up me missus. After a few strokes of her firm arse she got aroused and then we fucked like bunnies for about two hours.
Like I do every time after a fuck, I leaned over and turned on the light, lit up two cigarettes and went to pass one to the trouble 'n' strife. Rubbing me weary eyes I realized that I'd accidentally walked into my eight year olds daughter's room by, and worse still she was on the swimming team and didn't smoke.
How do you know when your girlfriend is on anabolic steroids?
→ When she flips you over, holds you down and fucks you... up the arse with her clitoris.
This bloke went into a nightclub and saw a gorgeous honey sitting by herself at the bar, he asked her to dance. She agreed and they took to the dance floor for a slow one. While they were cheek to cheek, the guy said, "You really smell terrific. What's that you have on?"
The flattered girl told him it was Chanel #5. Then wanting to return the compliment, she said, "You smell good, too. What is it that you have on?"
"Well, I've got a hardon, but I didn't think you could smell it," the guy replied.
A beautiful young woman marries this seventy year old bloke for his money. On their wedding night she joyfully jumps into bed and he holds up five fingers.
"Oh darling!" she squeals with delight, "Does that mean five times?"
"No", says the old fellow, "it means that you can pick one out."
How does a yuppie couple perform doggie-style sex?
→ He sits up and begs and she lies down and plays dead.
What's the difference between white onions, brown onions and a 14 inch dick?
→ Nothing. They all make woman's eyes water.
What do you get if you cross your missus with a pit bull?
→ Your very last headjob.
Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods on her way to visit her grandmother, when suddenly The Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree.
"Ah-ha....," The Big Bad Wolf said, "Now I've got you and I'm going to eat you! EAT! EAT! EAT!..."
Little Red Riding Hood said angrily, "Damn it, doesn't anybody fuck anymore?"
How do you piss your girlfriend of when your having sex?
→ Call her up
