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Why do farts smell?
→ So deaf people can enjoy them too.

What is the definition of Agony?
→ A one-armed man hanging off a cliff with itchy balls.

Why did the one-handed man cross the road?
→ To get to the second hand shop.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
→ A stick.

A man eating at restaurant says to his waiter, 'waiter, there's a fly in my soup!' The waiter replies, 'That, sir, is entirely possible, you see our cook used to be a tailor.'

Did you hear about the woman who has five legs?
→ Her knickers fit her like a glove!

- Information? I need the number of the Caseway Insurance Company.

- Would you spell that, please?

- Certainly. C as in sea. A as in aye. S as in sea. E as in eye. W as in why. A as in are. Y as in you.

The operator pauses. "Just a minute, sir. I'll connect you with my supervisor . . ."

- Information. Can I help you?

- I'd like the number of the Theater Guild, please.

- One moment, please. Pause. I'm sorry sir, I have no listing for a Theodore Guild.

- No, no. It isn't a person. It's an organization. It's Theater Guild.

- I told you, sir. I have no listing for a Theodore Guild.

- Not Theodore! Theater! The word is theater. T-H-E-A-T-E-R!

- That, sir, is NOT the way you spell Theodore.

What's blue and sings alone?
→ Dan Ackroyd.

Did you hear about the queer deaf mute?
→ Neither did he.

what do you get when a chicken cross the road falls in the dirt and then recrosses
→ a dirty crosser

Why does Helen Keller wear tight pants?
→ So people can read her lips.

La Machine....vegetables...vvrrrrr...

La Machine....fruits...vvrrrrr...

La Machine....little children...

No mommy, No!...vvrrrrr...

La Machine.

One year at halloween the governor was giving a costume party. All the gentry were there and as they arrived the doorman would announce what there characters were.

When one couple arrived he announced "Mickey and Minnie Mouse".

As the next couple arrived he announced "Tarzan and Jane" and so on as each guest arrived.

Later in the evening a man arrived dressed only in a pair of underpants but apart from that totally naked from head to toe.

"Who do you think you are?" demanded the doorman. Having ascertained that the man was indeed an invited guest from the local university CS department The doorman asked "How shall I announce you?"

The man said, "I'm premature ejaculation"

When is it OK for a lady to slap a midget?
→ When they are slow dancing and he tells her how nice her hair smells.

There was this little boy who went in the whore house with a dead frog on a leash. He went to the counter and asked the pimp for a whore with aids, the man knew he was young but the boy said "please mister, just give me a whore with aids, i have money thats no problem" the man was like ok "if you have the money". So the boy went in and fucked the whore and came out smiling to the man at the counter. The guy didn't understnad why he was so happy. "its a long story" the boy said. "tell me, i can wait" hte man said impaciently. "ok" the boy says "i have aids now right? well--i'll go home and screw the babysitter...she'll get aids, then my dad will come homw and screw her...he'll get aids, my…

Mommy, mommy: can I play with grandma?
→ Shut up kid, you dug her up twice last weeek!

Mommy, mommy: I hate daddy's guts.
→ Shut up kid and keep eating.

What's the difference between Madonna and the Panama Canal?
→ Well, you see, the Panama canal is a busy ditch...

A ventriloquist was driving in the country when he was attracted to a large farm. He asked for and was given a tour.

As he was shown through the barn, the ventriloquist thought he'd have some fun. He proceeded to make one of the horses talk.

The hired hand, wide-eyed with fear, rushed from the barn to the farmer. "Sam," he shouted, "those animals are talking! If that sheep says anything about me, it's a damned lie!"

Did you hear about the guy who got his vasectomy done at Sears?
→ Every time he gets a hard-on, the garage door goes up.

Did you hear that Oprah Winfrey was arrested at the airport for drug smuggling?
→ It seems she bent over and someone saw fifty pounds of crack....

What sexual position makes an ugly baby?
→ Ask your mom!

What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?
→ One snatches watches and the other watches snatches!

A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter and orders a hamburger.

The huge guy behind the counter bellows, "ONE BURGER!"

The cook, who's even bigger, screams, "BUR-GER!"

Whereupon he grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat, and tosses it on the grill.

The old lady says, "That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen!"

The counterman says, "Yeah? You should be here in the morning when he makes the doughnuts!"

Why don't cannibals eat comedians?
→ They taste funny.