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What is old, wrinkled, and hangs out your underwear?
→ Your Mother...

How do you get a one armed MAN out of a tree?
→ Wave at him.

What's sicker than sick?
→ Masturbating with your grandma's ashes under your foreskin....

How do you cook vegatables in the microwave?
→ Take them out their wheelchair.

What is black and sits at the top of a set of stairs?
→ A quadraplegic in a house fire.

Gross is having to tuck your hemorrhoid into your sock so you won't step on it when you walk.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
→ Anyone can roast beef.

Whats worse than shit on Olivia Newton Johns face?
→ Cum on Eileen.

What's black and blue and hates sex?
→ A rape victim.

The Answer: A Cockrobin.

The Question: What are you putting in my mouth, Batman?

What is the difference between Prince Charles and OJ Simpson?
→ Prince Charles' (ex)wife was killed by a white man in a black car.

This day holds a lot of meaning for me. It was on this day two years ago that I lost my dear wife and children.

I'll never forget that game of cards...

In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:

On the 22nd of June - Jonathan Fiddle -
Went out of tune.

The grave of Ellen Shannon in Girard, Pennsylvania is almost a consumer tip:

Who was fatally burned
March 21, 1870
by the explosion of a lamp
filled with "R.E. Danforth's
Non-Explosive Burning Fluid"

Oops! Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:

Born 1903--Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if
the car was on the way down. It was.

In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:

Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.

Someone determined to be anonymous in Stowe, Vermont:

I was somebody.

Who, is no business of yours.

A widow wrote this epitaph in a Vermont cemetery:

Sacred to the memory of my husband John Barnes who died January 3, 1803. His comely young widow, aged 23, has many qualifications of a good wife, and yearns to be comforted.

In memory of an accident in a Uniontown, Pennsylvania cemetery:

Here lies the body
of Jonathan Blake
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.

Playing with names in a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:

Here lies
Johnny Yeast
Pardon me
For not rising

In a London, England cemetery:

Ann Mann
Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.
Dec. 8, 1767

On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:

Here lies
Ezekial Aikle
Age 102
The Good Die Young.

A man walks into a shoe store... ...and tries on a pair of shoes.

"How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.

"Well ... they feel a bit tight." replies the man.

The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the man's feet.

"Try pulling the tongue out." offers the clerk.

"Nath theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth." He says.

A photographer from a well known national magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park.

When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level. He requested permission to rent a plane and take photos from the air.

He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate.

He jumped in with his bag and shouted, "Let's go!" The pilot swung the little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air. The photographer said, "Fly over the park and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures."

Three men: a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree.

Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, therefore St Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."

The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings," With a snap of his…