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What did Mr. Spock find in the toilet?
→ The Captain's log.

When the Vice President of R&D tries to hunt elephants, his staff will try to ensure that all elephants are completely prehunted before he sees them. If the VP sees a nonprehunted elephant, the staff will (1) Compliment the vice president's keen eyesight and (2) enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence.

Lawyers don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing about who owns the droppings. Software lawyers will claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one dropping.

Computer scientists hunt elephants using algorithm A:

1. Go to Africa
2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope
3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately East and West.
4. During each traverse

• a. Catch each animal seen
• b. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant
• c. Stop when a match is detected.

Experienced computer programmers modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate.

Mathematicians hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left.

Professors of mathematics prove the existence of at least one elephant and leave the capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for one of their graduate students.

What would you do if you had a condum with a hole in it in one pocket, and a rattle snake in the other pocket?
→ I don't know either, but I do know that I wouldn't screw with either one of them.

The world was stunned by the news, this morning, of the death of the Energizer Bunny. He was six years old.

Authorities believe that the death occurred at approximately 8:42PM last evening.

Best known as the irritating pink bunny that kept going and going and going, "Pinkie" as he was known to his friends and relatives, was alone at the time of his death.

An autopsy was performed early this morning. Chief medical Examiner, Dura Cell, concluded that the cause of death was acute cardiac arrest induced by sexual over-stimulation.

Apparently, someone had put Mr. Bunny's batteries in backwards, and he kept coming, and coming and coming.....

Your mamma is so fat when god said let there be light he asked her to step out of the way

Did you here about the new atomic cocktail?
→ one sip & you go out with a poof :0)

What do you see when the pillsbary dough boy bends over?
→ Doughnuts

Level I: Your guests are conversing quietly, nibbling at their hors d'oerves, and sipping their drinks. Later, some of the gather by the piano to sing carols while others admire the ornaments on your tree.

Level II: Your guests are talking loudly, wolfing hors d'oerves, and drinking from the bottles. Some people gather by the piano to sing "I Gotta Be Me" while others begin rearranging your ornaments.

Level III: Your guests are arguing wildly among themselves, those that haven't passed out from the upside-down margaritas. One person is singing "I Can't Get No Satisfaction", which can barely be heard over the sound of breaking ornaments. A small group of guests begin placing hors d'oerves in…

What goes "click click, Is that it?, click click, Is that it?"
→ Steveie Wonder doing a rubik's cube

What did the blind man say when he was handed a cheese grater?
→ "Thats the most violent book I've ever read."

Did you hear that Betty Crocker passed away.

The funeral is set at 4:50 for ten to fifteen minutes.

A horse wanders into a bar and orders a tall one.

The bartender says, "Hey fella, why the long face?"

With all the recent talk of cloning, you'd think it was a new thing.

But in fact, a very wealthy westerner had himself cloned many years ago. The boy grew up to have very foul mouth. The more the son swore, the madder the father got. One day, the father got so mad he pushed his son off a high cliff. The sheriff arrested him for making an obscene clone fall.

How can you identify an blind pirate?
→ He's the one with patches over both eyes.

Did you hear about that guy who was tap dancing?
→ He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.

Why can't Santa have children?
→ He only comes once a year.

Why can't Frankenstein have children?
→ Because his nuts are on his neck.

What happened to the Pope when he visited Mount Olive?
→ Popeye almost killed him.

What sits at the bottom of the ocean and shakes?
→ A nervous wreck.

A lady was in a hardware store looking at a fishing poles. She asked the store manager how much it was he said, 'I am blind drop it on the ground and i'll tell ya.' She dropped it on the ground.

'Aahh that's 10.00.' She bent down and let a big fart that everyone heard. But, she really wanted the pole so she picked it up. And went to pay for it.

'That will be 20.00'

'But you said 10.00'

'10.00 extra for the stink bait and duck call.'

What is It?
Bush has a short one. Gorbachev has a long one. Maddona does not have one. And a priest does not use his. What is it?
→ A Last name

Why are E.T.s eyes so big?
→ Because he saw the phone bill.