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What is the difference between a brown-noser and a shit-head?
→ Depth perception.

Do you know what a dog and a screen door have in common?
→ the more you bang them the looser they get.

What is the difference between a blonde and Dennis Rodman?
→ There is no difference.

Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
→ They taste funny!!

What's the brown stuff between the elephants toes?
→ Slow natives.

What do elephants use for tampoons?
→ Sheep.

What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
→ Hold on to your nuts, this is going to be a hell of a blowjob!

Why is a violist like a terrorist?
→ They both fuck up bowings.

What did Jesus do when he got to the Holiday Inn?
→ He threw some nails down on the counter and asked, "Can you put me up for the night?"

Why can't Jesus eat M & M's?
→ Because they fall through the holes in his hands.

A guy walks into a store and says to the managaer "why doesn't your store have a name", the store manager says "I haven't thought of one yet but I think u can help me, what's your girlfriend's name." The guy says "Jenny" then the store owner says "What's do you like most about Jenny" and the guy says "her legs." So the store manager says "ok that's what we'll call my store Jenny's Legs. Here's a coupon come back tomorrow morning and you can have a free drink." And the man says "ok."

The next day the man comes back to the store banging on the window yelling " where's my free drink, where's my free drink!" Then a police officer comes up to him and says "What are you doing?" and the guy says…

A fellow, who had spent his whole life in the desert, comes to visit a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the railroad tracks one day, he hears this whistle -- Whooee da Whoee! -- but doesn't know what it is.

Predictably, he's hit and is thrown to the side of the tracks. It was only a glancing blow, so he was fortunate to receive some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.

After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party one evening. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the teakettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the…

Mr. Richman has 3 daughters. Their names are nobody, somebody and crazy.

One day nobody and somebody are fighting over a fake eyebrow. Then crazy when to the policeman and she said "Nobody and Somebody are fighting" Then the policeman look at her then he said "What are you talking about?" Then she said again "Nobody and Somebody are fighting" Then the policeman said "What? Are you crazy?" Then she said "Yes but how did you know my name?"

WE DON'T SERVE WOMEN HERE!

(you have to bring your own)

If god had wanted us to run around naked, we would have been born that way.

Grant's Bar and Casino:
Liquor in the front,
Poker in the rear.

If K-Tel sold toasters...

They would not be available in stores, and you would get a free set of Ginsu knives.

If Radio Shack made toasters...

The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. You would be able to buy all the parts to build your own toaster.

If Timex made toasters...

They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting.

If Thinking Machines made toasters...

You would be able to toast 64,000 thousand pieces of bread at the same time.

If the Franklin Mint made toasters...

Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted piece of your authentic Civil War pewter toaster.

If Sony made toasters...

Their Sony Toastman, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt.

If the NSA made toasters...

Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national security.

Two men met at a bar and struck up a conversation.

After a while one of them said, "You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation: A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter and we got married. Lately, my father married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter my stepmother and my father became my stepson. Also my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law.

Then the daughter of my wife, my stepmother had a son. This boy was my half brother because he was my father's son, but he was also the son of my wife's daughter which made him my wife's grandson. That made me grandfather of my half-brother. This was nothing until my wife and I had a son.

There was a farmer, sitting on the front porch of his house this one hot summer day, when this kid comes walking down the road carrying a big bundle of wire.

"Hey kid!" the farmer says. "Where ya goin' with that wire?"

"Well," the kid drawls, "this here ain't just any ol' wire, this here's chicken wire -- I'm fixin' to catch me some chickens!"

"You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"

"Sure I can!" the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and sure enough, he's got a whole mess of chickens caught in his chicken wire.

Well, the farmer's sitting on his porch the next day, and the same kid comes walking down the lane, carrying a big roll of tape.