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A dyslexic man walks into a bra...

Three men die in a car accident on Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering, they are told that they must present something with a flavor in order to get in.

The first man searches his pocket, and finds some pine needles from the family's Christmas tree. He is allowed entry to Heaven.

The second man offers a bow and some ribbon, from presents that were opened earlier that evening. He too is allowed entry to Heaven.

The third man reaches into his pocket and produces a pair of panties.

Confused at the man's gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do panties represent Christmas?"

The man replies, "Oh, they're Carol's."

Hear about the guy who played a blank tape at full blast.

The mime next door went nuts.

What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover?
→ A rash of good luck.

How do you make a hot dog stand?
→ Steal its chair.

More cool than funny, but...

racecar <===> racecar
drawer <===> reward
repaid <===> diaper
straw <===> warts
evian <===> naive [there's a message here, I think!]
smug <===> gums
star <===> rats
step <===> pets
step on <===> no pets

- John: I don't know what to buy - a cow or a bicycle.

- Peter: You will look silly riding a cow.

- John: I will look even sillier trying to milk a bicycle.

- Tom: I found twenty cents on the sidewalk.

- Jim: That's mine. I dropped a twenty-cent coin there this morning.

- Tom: But, what I found was two ten-cent coins!

- Jim: That's it. I heard it break when it hit the ground.

I received a letter from my bank the other day, telling me, "This is the last time we're going to spend a quarter to tell you that you have fifteen cents!"

Why did the skeleton burp?
→ Because it didn't have the guts to fart.

How do I know anything really exists?
→ Kick it really hard.

A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"

"Ten," she replied.

"What are their names?" he asked.

"LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, and LeRoy," she answered.

"They're all named LeRoy?" he asked. "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?"

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'LeRoy,' and they all come running in."

"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"

"I just say, 'LeRoy, come eat your dinner'," she answered.

"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"

A fellow was shipwrecked with six lovely women who in a short time were fighting over his attentions.

They held a meeting to resolve the problem and decided that each would have his services on a different day of the week, with Sundays off for him.

In due time the guy was dragging himself through the week, looking forward to Sunday. As he lay on the beach one day he saw a dot floating on the sea which as it got closer turned out to be a man on a raft. With his last ounce of strength he swam out, pulled the raft ashore, gave the occupant CPR and as he came around said to him; "Oh man, am I ever glad to see you!"

"Goodness gracious, am I ever glad to see you too" said the raft rider in a swishy…

I recently had surgery on my hand, and asked the doctor if, after surgery, I would be able to play the banjo. He said, "I'm doing surgery on your hand, not giving you a lobotomy."

The man walked past the armored car and hears people talking inside. He stepped closer to hear what they were saying: "I see you, and I'll raise you another sixty thousand."

What do you call a man with his right hand in a sharks mouth?
→ Lefty.

Damn...did you see the size of that front tooth gap she had? Yeah...

I didn't know wether to smile back or kick a field goal!

What did the normal baby say to the test tube baby?
→ Ha..ha... your dad's a jerk off!

Did you hear that all the toilets at the police station were stolen?
→ Yeah...the cops got nothing to go on.

Chaim escapes from a mental hospital and goes to the train station. He gets on the train and is seated next to a business man. He asks the man, "Are you Jewish?" The man says, "No." Joe apologizes. Ten minutes later, he asks, "You wouldn't happen to be Jewish would you?" The man replies, "No!" Joe immediately apologizes. Five minutes later he says, " Can I ask you a personal question....are you Jewish?" He shots, "NO!" Joe continues like this for the next four hours. When the train stops, the man runs away. When he gets to the hotel, he realizes there is someone next to him. It is Joe. Joe asks, Say, are you Jewish?" The man is so fed up that he says, "Yes." Joe says, "That's funny...you…

What does ADIDAS stand for?
→ All Day I Dream About Sex.

Did you hear that in New York State, the Stop And Shop grocery chain merged with the A & P?

Yup..now they call it the...

Stop & P.

Why do Farts stink?
→ So that Deaf people can enjoy them too.

What do you do if you come across an elephant in the jungle?
→ Wipe it off and say you're sorry.

Why did the pervert cross the road?
→ He was stuck to the chicken.