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Who makes more money a drug dealer or a hooker?
→ A hooker because she can wash her crack and reuse it.

A prostitute goes to the hospital to visit a colleague who is about to have a heart transplant. She's worried about the friend so she asks the doctor:

- Girlfriend: I'm worried about my friend doc, what if her body rejects the organ?

- Doctor: Well she's 36 years old and healthy. How long has she been in business?

- Girlfriend: She's been working since she was 19 years old but what does that have to do with anything?

- Doctor: Well she's been working 17 years and hasn't rejected an organ yet!

A young kid's in a shipwreck and he winds up stranded on a tropical island. For twenty years he never sees another human being. Then one day a beautiful girl with long blond hair, her clothes half-ripped off, washes up on a piece of driftwood. He explains to her how he existed for twenty years, digging for clams, and eating fruits and berries. She says, "Well, what did you do for love?" He says, "Love? What's that?" She says, "I'll show you." She shows him. Then she shows him again. Then she shows him one more time. When they're finally done, she says, "Well, how do you like love?" He says, "It's great. But look what you did to my clam digger."

Did you know there are serial number on condoms.........

No?.

I guess you didn't roll them down far enough.

Why do women fake orgasms?
→ Because men fake foreplay.

Why are women like snow flakes??
→ They are all beautiful.
They are all different.
They can all be cold as ice.
But they'll all melt when they land on your face......

A neighbor of mine, Myron, in his mid-50's, had a relatively minor heart attack, and while he was in the hospital, he complained to his cardiologist that he thought that his sex life was over. The cardiologist said:

- Not true, Myron. Sex is wonderful exercise for your heart. After you get home, you should have sex 3 or 4 times a week. It'll be the best thing you can do for your recovery.

So after his discharge (from the hospital), Myron tells his wife what the doctor had said. His wife looked at him and told him:

- That's wonderful, Myron! Sign me up for twice.

I tried phone sex once, but the holes were too small.

Two drunks sitting at the rural area bar, lamenting their lack of a sex life. One looks out the window, and across the road is a sheep stuck half way thru a fence, with its butt facing the tavern. One drunk says he sure wishes that sheep were Marilyn Monroe. The other says, "I just wish it were dark."

- Patient: Doctor I'm having trouble having sex with my wife. When I get close enough to her, I get nauseous. When I insert, even an inch or two, I get sick to my stomach.

- Doctor: Hmmmm, that does sound serious. Let me see it.

Patient sticks out his tongue...

Did you hear about the call girl who accidentally made two appointments at the same time?
→ She managed to squeeze them both in.

for you girls...

Why is 88 better than 69?
→ You get 8 twice.

Aspirin makes a great contraceptive. Just hold it between your knees.

There once was a young Irish woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional she said:

- Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.

The priest said:

- Confess your sins and be forgiven.

The young woman said:

- Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.

The priest thought long and hard and then said:

- Take seven lemons and squeeze them into a glass and then drink it.

The young woman asked:

- Will this cleanse me of my sins?

AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.

Two friends met after a long time, and chatted about what's been going on since they last met. One of them had a new girlfriend and the other one asked about her cooking, her relation to his folks etc. etc. and finally asked "How is she in bed?" First guy replies "She's fantastic, she sucks like a real man!"

What is a man's idea of protected sex?
→ A padded headboard.

Three college students were rapping about who they'd like to be cast off on a desert with. The first one opted for Cindy Crawford. The next one chose Pamela Anderson. The third man chose Virginia Pipeline. "Never heard of her." his companions protested. "Who is she?" "Why she's just the greatest Italian gal of all, making the headlines in the newspaper," replied the third man. "See, here it is on page one: FIVE DIE LAYING VIRGINIA PIPELINE"

If a light sleeper sleeps lighter with the light on, does a hard sleeper sleep harder with a hard on?

Did you know Sex is a crime?
→ Its a misdemeanor - The more I miss de meaner I get..

What is the difference between a Slut and a Bitch?
→ A Slut sleeps with everyone, a bitch sleeps with everyone but you!

The dean of women at an exclusive girl's college was lecturing her students on sexual morality:

- In moments of temptation, ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame? - said the speaker to the class.

A sweet young thing in the back of the room rose to ask:

- How do you make it last an hour?

One neighbor says to the other, "Hey Joe, you have to stop leaving the blinds on your bedroom open, I saw you fucking your wife." Joe responds "The jokes on you, Stan, I was away on a business trip yesterday."

A priest is teaching a nun how to swim and the nun says to the priest "Will I really sink if you take your finger out?"

Wife comes home to find the old man shagging the dog in the front room. "My God Henry", she screams, "I know you've had other woman but this time you've gone too far!" "You may be right" he says, "I think I'm stuck."