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Two men are meeting on the street.

- It was very cold this morning.

- How cold was it?

- I do not no exactly, but I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

A young lawyer, starting up his private practice, was very anxious to impress potential clients. When he saw the first visitor to his office come through the door, he immediately picked up his phone and spoke into it, "I am sorry, but my workload is so tremendous that I am not going to be able to look into your problem for at least a month. I shall have to get back to you then." He then turned to the man who had just walked in, and said, "Now, what can I do for you?" "Nothing," replied the man. "I am here to hook up your phone."

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter.

Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbour of his. The neighbour happened to be a lawyer. Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbour and said:

- Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?

The lawyer replied:

- Of course, how much was the roast?

- $7.98.

A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read:

- Legal Consultation Service: $150.

On visting a seriously ill lawyer in the hospital, his friend found him sitting up in the bed, frantically leafing through the bible. "What are you doing?" asked the friend. "Looking for loopholes," repied the lawyer.

A hill country husband died and left everything to his wife.

He put a provision in his will though that she couldn't touch any of it until she turned 14.

What is the worst thing about our justice system?
→ You're leaving your fate in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
→ How many can you afford?

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
→ The real question is: How much can the light bulb afford to be screwed for?

What is the proper weight for an attorney?
→ About 3 pounds, .......not counting the urn!

What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
→ You should take your workboots off before you jump on a trampoline.

Why don't lawyers play hide-and-seek?
→ Nobody will look for them.

An anxious woman goes to her doctor. - Doctor - she asks nervously - can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?

- Certainly - replies the doctor - Where do you think lawyers come from?

A lawyer and two friends, a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.

The farmer said:

- There might be a problem. You see, I only have room for two to sleep, one of you must sleep in the barn.

- No problem - spoke the Rabbi.

- My people wandered in the desert for forty years. I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening.

With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night.

Moments later a knock was heard at the door. The farmer opened the door, and there stood the Rabbi from the barn. - What's wrong - asked the farmer.

He replied:

- I am grateful to you, but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig…

- Attorney to witness: And where was the location of the accident?

- Witness: Approximately milepost 499.

- Attorney: And where is milepost 499?

- Witness: About halfway between milepost 498 and milepost 500.

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender "Do you serve lawyers here?" "Sure do," replied the bartender. "Good," said the customer, "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my gator."

A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

- Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied:

- First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled:

- Um...no.

- -or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?

Scene: A court room in Oklahoma where a person is on trial for murder. There is strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client is guilty and that it looks like he'll probably be convicted, resorts to a clever trick.

The lawyer says as he looks at his watch:

- Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all

- Within 1 minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this court room - he says and he looks toward the courtroom door.

The jury, somewhat stunned, all look on eagerly. A minute passes. Nothing happens. Finally the lawyer says:

A very very rich gentleman dies, leaving his fortune to his only living friends, a Doctor, a CEO, and a Lawyer. But being the eccentric he was, his will stipulated that each one must place their third of the money in his coffin before he is put in his final resting place. The funeral comes and goes. Over a year later the three friends are talking over lunch and the topic of the old man and his strange ways comes into the conversation. The Doctor finally says "I have to be honest, I didn't place ALL of the money into his coffin, I kept five million". Then the CEO states "Well, I have to admit that I too kept some of the cash. Ten million to be exact". The Lawyer glares at the two and says "I…

An older woman was in the pastoral study counceling for her upcoming fourth wedding.

- Father - she said - How am I going to tell my husband that I am still a virgin?

- My child, you have been a married woman for many years. Surely that cannot be - he replied.

- Well Father, my first husband was a psychologist, and all he wanted to do was talk. The next one was in construction and he always said he'd get to it tomorrow. The last one was a gynecologist and all he did was look at it. But this time, Father, I'm marrying a lawyer, so I'm sure I'm going to get screwed this time!

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer." The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer." That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!"

A guy in a bar. The bartender asks him:

- What'll you have?

The guy answers:

- A scotch, please

The bartender hands him the drink, and says:

- That'll be five dollars

to which he replies:

- What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this.

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender:

- You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which consitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.

No lawyers allowed- Prosecutors will be violated!

If two lawyers were drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you read the paper or go to lunch?

TOP 10 McGreevey jokes....

10. NJ state bird - swallow.
11. New Jersey Turnpike renamed Hershey Highway.
12. NJ raises terror alert level to lavender.
13. We know he didn't like bush, but this is ridiculous.
14. Now we know why McGreevey enjoyed "polling" so much.
15. What does McGreevey and the Israeli navy have in common? Jewish seamen.
16. NJ DMV now calls rear-end accidents a "mcgreevey".
17. Gives new meaning to "stuffing the ballot box".
18. Post headline: "McGreevey goes down!"

How many Los Angeles police officers does it take to beat up a black motorist?
→ None. He fell down the stairs.

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again.