Knowing that the minister was very fond of cherry brandy, one of the church elders offered to present him with a bottle on one consideration - that the pastor acknowledge receipt of the gift in the church paper.
"Gladly," responded the good man.
When the church magazine came out a few days later, the elder turned at once to the "appreciation" column. There he read:
"The minister extends his thanks to Elder Brown for his gift of fruit and for the spirit in which it was given."
An old rabbi is talking with one of his friends and says with a warm smile, "I gladdened seven hearts today."
"Seven hearts?" asks the friend. "How did you do that?"
The rabbi strokes his beard and replies, "I performed three marriages."
The friend looks at him quizically.
"Seven?" he asks. "I could understand six, but..."
"What do you think" says the rabbi, "that I do this for free?"
A minister was asked by a politician, "Name something the government can do to help the church."
The minister replied, "Quit making one dollar bills."
What language do the Vatican Police speak?
→ Pig Latin!
What is the meaning of life?
→ All evidence to date suggests it's chocolate.
Is there a God?
→ A billion Hindus can't be wrong.
A man walked into a gift shop that sold religious items. Near the cash register he saw a display of caps with "WWJD" printed on all of them. He was puzzled over what the letters could mean, but couldn't figure it out, so he asked the clerk.
The clerk replied that the letters stood for "What Would Jesus Do", and was meant to inspire people to not make rash decisions, but rather to imagine what Jesus would do in the same situation.
The man thought a moment and then replied, "Well, I'm damn sure Jesus wouldn't pay $17.95 for one of these caps."
Johnny is walking along and a priest is coming the other way. Johnny says, "Hey, mister, why are you wearing your collar backwards?"
The priest says, "Because I'm a father."
Johnny says, "Yeah? Well, my old man's got three kids and he don't wear his collar backwards."
The priest says "You don't understand, son. I have thousands of children."
Johnny says, "You should wear your trousers backwards."
A little boy was learning about God in his church, and he was talking to his mother about it. She, not wanting to place prejudice in the little boy's mind, sat him and said:
"God is not a man or a woman, and God is not black or white."
To which the child responded, "Well, then is God Michael Jackson?"
This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping.
At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home (piously, of course).
That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little.
The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the…
Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?"
"I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests."
"I don't mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you prepared spiritually?"
"Oh, sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey."
Seymour was a good and pious man, and when he passed away, the Lord himself greeted him at the pearly gates of heaven.
"Hungry, Seymour?" the Lord asked.
"I could eat," said Seymour.
The Lord opened a can of tuna, and they shared it.
While eating this humble meal, Seymour looked down into Hell and noticed the inhabitants devouring enormous steaks, pheasant, pastries and vodka.
The next day, the Lord again asked Seymour if he were hungry, and Seymour again said, "I could eat."
Once again, a can of tuna was opened and shared, while down below Seymour noticed a feast of caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles, brandy, and chocolates.
The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened.
A priest was vested in his surplus and cassock ready to process at the beginning of the service. His surplus was very ornate and he was swinging the incense pot which had smoke coming from it. A lady touched him on the shoulder and said, "Darling, I love your dress; but your purse is on fire!"
One day God called the Pope, and he said "John Paul I have good news and bad news. First the good news. I am tired of all the squabbling between the religions. I have decided there will be only the one true religion".
The Pope was overjoyed and told God how wise his decision was, then asked "What's the bad news?". God said the bad news is that I am calling from Salt Lake City.
On the airplane on his way back to Rome, the Pope was doing a crossword puzzle. After a while, he turned the the bishop sitting next to him and said, "What's a four -letter word ending in "unt" which means "woman"?
The bishop said, "Did you try "aunt"?
The Pope said, "Mmmm. Do you have an eraser?"
A Jesuit, a Dominican and a Franciscan were walking along an old road, debating the greatness of their orders. Suddenly, an apparition of the Holy Family appeared in front of them, with Jesus in a manger and Mary and Joseph praying over him. The Franciscan fell on his face, over come with awe at the of sight God born in such poverty. The Dominican fell to his knees, Adoring the beautiful reflection of the Trinity and the Holy Family. The Jesuit walked up to Joseph, put his arm around his shoulder, and said, "So, where ya thinking of sending the kid for school?
How can you tell if someone is half Catholic and half Jewish?
→ When he goes to confession, he takes a lawyer with him.
Two nuns were driving alone out in the boonies. They ran out of gas.
Fortunately they could walk to a gas station not far away, where they asked to purchase a can of gasoline. "I'm sorry, sister," said the attendant, "but all I have for you to carry it in is an old chamber pot. The nuns agreed that this would be fine. They returned to the car.
As they were pouring the gasoline into the tank, a man drove by, stopped his car, and said, "Oh sister, if only I had your faith."
And Jesus said unto his disciples, "Whom do men say that I am?"
And His disciples answered unto Him, "Master, thou art the supreme eschatological manifestation of omnipotent ecclesiastical authority, the absolute, divine, sacerdotal monarch."
And Jesus said, "What?"
A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." He sat down.
The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."
The church was conducting its annual fund drive. One member of the congregation said, "I give ten dollars."
Just then, a piece of plaster fell from the ceiling and landed on his head. He spoke up again quickly.
"I give a thousand dollars!"
The minister said, "Lord, hit him again!"
A little nine year old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.
- Mommy, can we leave now?
- No, her mother replied.
- Well, I think I have to throw up!
- Then go out the front door and to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush.
In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat.
- Did you throw up?
- Yes.
- Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and return so quickly?
- I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the sick'.
Three Pastors from the south were having lunch in a diner. One said, "Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church.
I've tried everything-noise, spray, cats-nothing seems to scare them away.
Another said, "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away."
The third said, "I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church... Haven't seen one back since!"
While leading the Friday evening services, the Rabbi noticed a member of the congregation, Bernie, walk in with a St. Bernard dog. The Rabbi, horrified, asked the Cantor to continue the service and went to talk to Bernie.
- Rabbi: What are doing here with a dog?
- Bernie: The dog came here to pray.
- Oh, come on, says the Rabbi.
- YES! says Bernie.
- Rabbi: I don't believe you. You are just fooling around; that's not a proper thing to do in temple.
- Bernie: Its true!..
- Ok, says the Rabbi, then show me what the dog can do.
- OK, says Bernie nodding to the dog...
The dog proceeds to open up the barrel under his neck and removes a yarmulke, a tallis (puts them on his head) and prayer book and…
A little Catholic kid was praying as hard as he could.
'God,' he prayed, 'I really want a car.'
Jumping up and dashing to the window, he saw that the driveway was empty.
'God,' he prayed again, 'I really NEED a car.'
Still no answer to his prayers. Suddenly the kid stood up, ran into his parents' bedroom, and grabbed the statuette of the Virgin Mary off the mantelpiece. He wrapped it up in ten layers of paper, using three rolls of tape and a spool of twine, then stuffed it inside a box at the very bottom of his closet.
'Okay, God,' he said, getting down onto his knees again, 'if you ever want to see your mother again...'
