- Customer: This is a wonderful restaurant. I ordered salad and I got the freshest salad in the world, I ordered coffee, and I got the freshest coffee in the world.
- Friend: I know - I ordered a small steak and got a calf.
Jane's father decided to take all the family out to a restaurant for a meal. As he'd spent quite a lot of money for the meal he said to the waiter, "Could I have a bag to take the leftovers home for the dog?"
"Gosh!" exclaimed Jane, "Are we getting a dog?"
Why was the restaurant called "Out of this World"?
→ Because it was full of Unidentified Frying Objects.
A man walks into a Chinese restaurant but is told by the Maitre'd that there will be at least a twenty minute wait.
"Would you like to wait in the bar, Sir?", he says.
The man goes into the bar and the bartender says, "What'll it be?"
The man replies, "Give me a Stoli with a twist."
The bartender pauses for a few seconds, then smiles and says, "Once upon time, there were FOUR little peegs . . . "
How many McDonald's counter girls does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Two. One to change it and one to put some chips with it.
How many cafeteria staff does it take to change a light bulb?
→ "Sorry, we closed 18 seconds ago, and I've just cashed up."
A Sunday school teacher of preschoolers asked the students to learned one fact about Jesus by the following Sunday. The following week she asked each child in turn what he or she had learned.
Susie said, "He was born in a manger."
Bobby said, "He threw the money changers out of the temple."
Little Johnny said, "He has a red pickup truck but he doesn't know how to drive it."
Curious, the teacher asked, "And where did you learn that, Johnny?"
"From my Daddy," said Johnny. "Yesterday we were driving down the highway, and this red pickup truck pulled out in front of us and Daddy yelled at him, 'Jesus Christ! Why don't you learn how to drive?'"
How do you make holy water?
→ Boil the hell out of it.
Who designed Noah's ark?
→ An ark-itect!
What's the moral of the story about Jonah and the whale?
→ You can't keep a good man down!
Who was the best actor in the bible?
→ Samson, he brought the house down!
God is sitting up in his ivory tower, he's had enough of the pressures and stresses of being the number one, so he's decided to go on holiday. He calls all his super-being mates up and they pop around to discuss a few suggestions. "What about Mars," says one of them. "Nah I went there 15,000 years ago," says God, "it was shit, no atmosphere and too dusty." "What about Pluto," suggests another. "Nah I went there about 10,000 years ago," says God. "Fucking freezing it was too." "What about Mercury," says another. "It's nice but I went there about 5,000 years ago, I nearly burnt me bollox off it was that hot, never again," says God. "What about Earth then," suggests another. "You must be…
Three Pastors from the south were having lunch in a diner. One said, "Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything-noise, spray, cats-nothing seems to scare them away.
Another said, "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away."
The third said, "I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church... Haven't seen one back since!"
Who is the fastest runner in history.
→ Adam - because he was the first in the human race.
What did Adam do when he wanted some sugar?
→ He raised Cain.
At what time of day was Adam born?
→ Just before Eve.
What's black and white, black and white, black and white?
→ A nun rolling down a hill.
- Jill: Have you read the Bible?
- Jack: No, I'm waiting for the film to come round.
- Examiner: I think you know very little, if anything at all, about the Bible. Can you quote any passage?
- Student: 'Judas departed and went and hanged himself.'
- Examiner: Well, that's a surprise. Can you quote another?
- Student: 'Go thou and do likewise.'
How do Religious Education teachers mark exams?
→ With spirit levels.
A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She walked around to look at the artwork.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like.
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
What do you get when you cross a Jehova's witness with a business man?
→ A door to door salesman!
The congregation was sitting and waiting for the preacher to began his sermon when two masked men burst into the church and said "Whoever is not willing to take a bullet for Jesus better leave now." More than half of the congregation jumped up and ran out the door.
The two men took off their masks, sat in the front row and said, "Okay, Reverend, you can preach now. All the hyprocrites are gone."
Morris was passing a small courtyard and heard voices murmuring.
He went in and saw an altar with a large zero in the middle and a banner that said 'N I L'.
White-robed people were kneeling before the altar chanting hymns to The Great Nullity, The Blessed Emptiness, and The Big Zero in the Sky.
Morris turned to a white-robed observer beside him and wispered, ....
...... "Is Nothing Sacred?"
At the first session of a conversion class the minister conducting the class asked, "What must we do before we can expect forgiveness from sin?"
After a long silence, one of the men in attendance raised his hand and said:
"Sin?"
