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Joe is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear. The blonde realises he is staring and inquires:

- Are you looking at my pussy?

- Yes, I'm sorry - says Joe and promises to avert his eyes.

- It's quite alright - replies the woman, - It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you.

Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss. Joe, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do.

- I can also make it wink - says the woman.

Joe stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him.

10. You can usually find someone to do it with.
11. If you get tired, you can stop, save your place and pick up where you left off.
12. You can finish early without feelings of guilt or shame.
13. When you open a book, you don't have to worry about who else has opened it.
14. A little coffee and you can do it all night.
15. If you don't finish a chapter you won't gain a reputation as a "book teaser."
16. You can do it, eat and watch T.V. all at the same time.
17. You don't get embarrassed if your parents interrupt you in the middle.
18. You don't have to put your beer down to do it.
19. If you aren't sure what you're doing, you can always ask your roommate for help.

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

- Mother, where do babies come from? - The mother thinks for a few seconds and says:

- Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex. The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues:

- That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey. The child seems to comprehend.

- Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?

- Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.

- Well - replies Paul, - you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?

- Yes - replies Jeff with a laugh.

- Well - says Paul, straightening up, - I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed.

- That's great! - says Jeff, - When are you going out?

- I went to meet her this evening - continues Paul, - but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show.

- Sensible - says Jeff.

- So I get to her door - says Paul, - and I rang her…

In a check out line the other day and the couple were arguing about whose turn it was to pay. The clerk was kind of listening until she heard the lady said to the guy, "Stop being a scrote." With a furrowed brow the clerk asked, "What is a scrote?" Without missing a beat the lady responded, "Short for scrotum. He is somewhere between a prick and an asshole."

1. Your mattress has turned into a giant sponge.
2. It takes five minutes to unknot your bodies.
3. An earthquake of 3.4 on the Richter Scale is recorded in your area.
4. The cat's exhausted from just watching you.
5. A trampoline company has to come to adjust your bed springs.
6. You've both gone down one clothing size.
7. You cancel your chiropractic appointment. There's nothing left to adjust.
8. You have to breathe into a brown paper bag.
9. Boy, are you hungry!
10. You're absolutely satisfied yet uncontrollably horny at the same time.

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, "If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull." The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, "If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant." The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, "What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!" The kid smiles and says, "I would be a bus driver!"

A farmer sent his 15 year old son to town and, as a birthday present, handed him a duck.

- See if you can get a girl in exchange for this - he said.

In town, the lad met a prostitute and said:

- It's my birthday and all I've got is this duck. Would you be willing to...

- Sure - she said.

- I'm sentimental about birthdays. And besides, I've never owned a duck.

Afterwards, she said:

- Do you know, for a 15 year old, you're quite a lay. If you do it again, I'll give you back your duck.

- Sure - said the boy.

When his pleasurable work was through, the lad started on his way home. While he was crossing the main street in the village, the duck suddenly flew out of his hands and was hit by a passing beer…

Here is this guy who really takes care of his body he lifts weights and jogs five miles every day. One morning, he looks into the mirror and admires his body. He notices that he is really sun tanned all over except one part and he decides to do something about it. He goes to the beach, completely undresses and buries himself in the sand except for the one part sticking out.

Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and one looks down and says:

- There really is no justice in this world.

The other little old lady says:

- What do you mean?

The first little old lady says:

- Look at that.

- When I was 10 years old, I was afraid of it.

- When I was 20 years old, I was curious about it.

- Little boy: Mummy is God a girl or a boy?

- Mummy: Why God is both girl and boy

- Little boy: Mummy is God black or white?

- Mummy: Why God is both black and white

- Little boy: Mummy is God gay or strait?

- Mummy: Why God is both gay and strait

- Little boy: Mummy is God Michael Jackson?

An Irish couple, whose married bliss was not without a few "squalls" received a humble lecture from their priest regarding their disgraceful quarrels.

- Why, that dog and cat you have agree better than you.

- If yer reverence'll tie them together, ye'll soon change yer mind.

Mrs. Dugan and Mrs. Riley were talking one day about Mr. Riley and his constant drinking. Mrs. Dugan said:

- I have an idea about how to stop him from spending so much time at the pub. Every night he comes home through the cemetery. One night you should get disguised and spook him when he comes staggering through.

So Mrs. Riley waited in the cemetery one night until she heard her husband coming. She jumped up and a startled Riley said:

- Who are you??

Mrs. Riley replied:

- I am the devil!

With that, Riley shook her hand and said:

- Glad to meet ya, I'm married to your sister.

Casey married a rich widow, but they didn't get along. One day she said to him, "If it wasn't for my money, that new television wouldn't be here. If it wasn't for my money, that grand piano wouldn't be here. If it wasn't for my money, this house wouldn't be here." Casey mumbled, "If it wasn't for your money, I wouldn't be here."

In West Kerry, the wife commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. You don't love me any more...." "Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you cook better now."

In hearing an Irish case of assault and battery, counsel, in cross examining one of the witnesses, asked him what they had the first place they stopped at. "Four glasses of ale," was the reply. "Next?" "Two glasses of whiskey." "Next?" "One glass of brandy." "Next?" "A fight."

Casey and Riley agreed to settle their dispute by a fight, and it was understood that whoever wanted to quit should say "Enough." Casey got Riley down and was hammering him unmercifully when Riley called out several times, "Enough!" As Casey paid no attention, but kept on administering punishment, a bystander said, "Why don't you let him up? Don't you hear him say that he's had enough?" "I do," says Casey, "but he's such a liar, you can't believe him."

An Irish priest and a Rabbi get into a car accident. They both get out of their cars and stumble over to the side of the road. The Rabbi says, "Oy vey! What a wreck!" The priest asks him, "Are you all right, Rabbi?" The Rabbi responds, "Just a little shaken." The priest pulls a flask of whiskey from his coat and says, "Here, drink some of this it will calm your nerves." The Rabbi takes the flask and drinks it down and says, "Well, what are we going to tell the police?" "Well," the priest says, "I don't know what your aft' to be tellin' them. But I'll be tellin' them I wasn't the one drinkin'."

Pat was found dead in his back yard, and as the weather was a bit on the warm side, the wake was held down to only two days, so his mortal remains wouldn't take a bad turn. At last his friends laid him in the box, nailed it shut & started down the hill into the churchyard. As it was a long, sloping path and the mourners were appropriately tipsy, one fellow lurched into the gatepost as they entered the graveyard. Suddenly a loud knocking came from in the box. Paddy was alive! They opened the box up and he sat up, wide eyed, and they all said, Sure, it's a miracle of God! All rejoiced & they went back and had a few more drinks but later that day, the poor lad died. Really died. Stone cold…

An English man and an Irish man are driving head on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving to fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Irish man goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of Jameson whiskey. He hands the bottle to the English man, whom exclaims, "may the English and the Irish live together forever, in peace, and harmony." The English man then tips the bottle and lashes half of it down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing…

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were without tickets for the opening ceremonies of the summer Olympics but hoped to be able to talk their way in at the gate. Security was very tight, however, and each of their attempts was met with a stern refusal.

While wandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman came upon construction site, which gave him an idea. Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate and said:

- Johnson, the pole vault, and was admitted.

The Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once to search the site. When he came up with a sledge hammer, he presented himself at the gate and said:

- McTavish, the hammer.

He was also admitted.

An American and an Irishman were enjoying a ride in the country when they came upon an unusual sight - an old gallows. The American thought he would have a joke on his Irish companion. "You see that, I reckon," said he to the Irishman, pointing to the gallows. "And now where would you be if the gallows had its due?" "Riding alone," coolly replied Paddy.

Irishman, Englishman and a German are caught in Saudi Arabia drinking.

- Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like? - said the prison guard to the Englishman just before lashing him.

The English man, being a bit of a cricket fan, asked for linseed oil. When they lashed him on a post and let him go to catch his flight back to London he groaned and crawled to the airport.

Next came the German.

- Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like? - said the prison guard.

It seems three Irishmen, Sean, Michael and Tim, passed over at the same time. Upon encountering the Pearly Gates, they were met by ST. Patrick himself, and he addressed the boys thusly:

- Lads, I'm here to welcome you to heaven where you will spend eternity. Just remember one thing, when you go through these gates, don't step on any of the ducks or you'll be punished for eternity.

Sean went in first and was amazed to see that the entire ladscape was encompassed by ducks, and try as he might, sure enough he stepped on one. He was immediately joined by one of the homliest colleens he's ever laid eyes on, and she said:

- Well love, you stepped on a duck and now we're together for all time.

MacAndrews was visiting his Irish cousin, O'Bannon. While there he decided to do a bit of fishing. As he sat there on afternoon, his cousin walked by.

- What are ye doing? - asked O'Bannon.

- Fishin' - said MacAndrews.

- Caught anything?

- Ach, nae a bite,

- What are ye usin' fer bait?

- Worms

- Let me see it - said O'Bannon.

MacAndrews lifted the line from the water and handed it to his cousin. O'Bannon took out his flask of potcheen and dipped the worm in it. He handed it back to MacAndrews, who cast his line once more. As soon as the worm hit the water, his rod bent over double, the line screaming out.

- Have ye got a bite? - asked O'Bannon.

Murphy said to his daughter:

- I want you home by eleven o'clock.

She said:

- But Father, I'm no longer a child!

He said:

- I know, that's why I want you home by eleven.