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- Teacher: You aren't paying attention to me. Are you having trouble hearing?

- Pupil: No, teacher I'm having trouble listening!

- Teacher: That's quite a cough you have there, what are you taking for it?

- Pupil: I don't know teacher. What will you give me?

- Teacher: Is Lapland heavily populated?

- Class: No, there are not many Lapps to the mile!

- Teacher: Name an animal that lives in Lapland!

- Pupil: A reindeer

- Teacher: Good, now name another.

- Class: Another reindeer!

- Teacher: Class, we will have only half a day of school this morning.

- Class: Hooray!

- Teacher: We will have the other half this afternoon!

Where did the pilgrims land when they came to America?
→ On their feet!

- Teacher: Now class, whatever I ask, I want you to all answer at once. How much is six plus 4?

- Class: At once!

- Father: How do you like going to school?

- Son: The going bit is fine, as is the coming home bit too, but I'm not too keen on the time in-between!

Did they play tennis in ancient Egypt?
→ Yes, the bible tells how Joseph served in Pharoah's court!

What was King Arthur's favourite game?
→ Knights and crosses!

Why aren't you doing very well in history?
→ Because the teacher keeps asking about things that happened before I was born!

What's black and white all over and difficult?
→ An exam paper!

The food in our school canteen is perfect.
If your a bug!

What kind of food do maths teachers eat?
→ Square meals!

What's the worst thing you're likely to find in the school cafeteria?
→ The food!

Where did all the cuts and blood come from?
→ The school went on a trip!

An ideal homework excuse

- Teacher: Where is your homework?

- Pupil: I was mugged on the way to school and the mugger took everything I had

- Teacher: Where is your homework?

- Pupil: I was mugged on the way to school and the mugger took everything I had

- Great news, teacher says we have a test today come rain or shine.

- So what's so great about that?

- It's snowing outside!

- Teacher: How much is half of 8?

- Pupil: Up and down or across?

- Teacher: What do you mean?

- Pupil: Well, up and down makes a 3 or across the middle leaves a 0!

Why did the teacher put the lights on?
→ Because the class was so dim!

When a teacher closes his eyes, why should it remind him of an empty classroom?
→ Because there are no pupils to see!

"Is your mother home?" the salesman asked a small boy sitting on the steps in front of a house.

"Yeah, she's home," the boy said, scooting over to let him past. The salesman rang the doorbell, got no response, knocked once, then again.

Still no one came to the door. Turning to the boy, the fellow said, "I thought you said your mother was home." The kid replied, "She is; but this isn't where I live."

A realty salesman had just closed his first deal, only to discover that the piece of land he had sold was completely under water.

"That customer's going to come back here pretty mad," he said to his boss. "Should I give him his money back?"

"Money back?" roared the boss. "What kind of salesman are you? Get out there and sell him a houseboat."

What salesman has the slickest line?
→ A hair grease salesman.

What do you have to know to be a real estate salesman?
→ Lots.