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A 60-year-old man went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him:

- You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever. You have the body of a 35 year old. By the way, how old was your father when he died? - The 60 year old responded

- Who said he was dead?

The doctor was surprised and asked:

- How old is he and is he very active?

The 60 year old responded:

- Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer.

The doctor couldn't believe it:

- Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?

The 60 year old responded again:

Confucious say...

- Woman sitting in jelly have her ass in jam

- Man with penis in peanut butter, fucking nuts

- Man who puts penis in vaccuum cleaner, get sucked off

- Boy who lay girl on hill, not on level

- Man who lose key to girlfriend apartment, get no new-key!

- He who finger girl during period, get caught red-handed

- He who smoke pot, choke on handle

- Woman who wear g-string, high on crack!

- He who stand on toilet, high on pot!

A husband and wife had been fighting for 3-4 days.

The next morning they got up and were still not talking. The wife broke the silence by saying she had a dream last night.

The husband asked her about what.

She said she had a dream she was at an auction. They were auctioning off Penises. The little ones went for $500.00 and the big ones went for $1000.00.

The husband throws out his chest and curiously asked what one like his went for. His wife told him bluntly that they were giving them away as door prizes!

Her husband non-chalantly brushes this aside and tell his wife that:

- I had a dream last night too. They were auctioning off Pussys. The loose ones went for $500.00 and the tight ones went…

Pulling up to the toll both Jack handed the collector a $100.00 bill.

Looking incredulously at the bill, the collector, in a snappy tone, exclaimed:

- I can't break this! I need exact change.

- Come on buddy. - Jack pleaded

- Can't you give me a break, just this once?

- Nope. Sorry. Exact change! - Answered the collector.

While thumbing through the change in his ashtray Jack asked the collector:

- Do you really like this job?

- Well it's not the best job that I've ever had, but it pays the bills - replied the collector.

- what do you do for a living? - he asked.

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthfully slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said:

- Father, remember psalm 129?

The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.

Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again Said:

- Father, remember psalm 129?

Once again the priest apologized:

What's red and goes up and down?
→ A tomato in an elevator.

What did one tube of glue say to the other tube of glue?
→ We have to stick together.

What do you say when you meet a two-headed monster?
→ Hello, hello.

What do you call a sleeping bull?
→ A bulldoser.

When is a baseball player like a thief?
→ When he steals a base.

What's red and goes up and down?
→ A tomato in an elevator.

What did one tube of glue say to the other tube of glue?
→ We have to stick together.

What do you say when you meet a two-headed monster?
→ Hello, hello.

What do you call a sleeping bull?
→ A bulldoser.

When is a baseball player like a thief?
→ When he steals a base.

If airlines sold paint...

- Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?

- Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.

- Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?

- Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different prices up to $200 a gallon.

- Customer: What's the difference in the paint?

- Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.

- Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint.

- Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?

- Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.

Aquarius (Jan 23 - Feb 22) - You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.

Pisces (Feb 23 - Mar 22) - You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient, and full of advice. You do nothing but piss-off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.

Aries (Mar 23 - April 22) - You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.

1. Coca-cola was originally green.
2. Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than for the US Treasury.
3. Smartest dogs: 1) border collie; 2)poodle; 3)golden retriever.
4. Dumbest dog: Afghan
5. Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters.
6. Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.
7. Chances that an American lives within 50 miles of where they grew up: 1 in 2
8. Amount American Airlines saved in '87 by taking out 1 olive from each salad served in first class: $40,000
9. City with the most Rolls Royce's per capita: Hong Kong
10. State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska

I had been teaching my three-year old daughter the Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer:

- Lead us not into temptation - she prayed

- but deliver us some E-mail. Amen.

And one particular four-year old prayed:

- And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.

A little boy was overheard praying:

- Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am.

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to…

- The water-proof towel

- Glow in the dark sunglasses

- Solar powered flashlights

- Submarine screen doors

- A book on how to read

- Inflatable dart boards

- A dictionary index

- Powdered water

- Pedal powered wheel chairs

- Water proof tea bags

A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.

- Care to go upstairs and do it? - the husband asked.

- Shh! - said the bride

- All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?

So, the following night, the husband asks:

- I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?

- No, I definitely shut it - replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.

When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said:

A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland.

To keep tradition going, everyone gets extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the shit out of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight.

The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the courtroom until the judge finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting:

- Silence in court!

The courtroom goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and says:

- Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened.

One of the regular foursome was sick, so a new member named George filled in. He was very good and pleasant company so they asked him to join them again the following Sunday.

- 9.30 okay?

George said:

- Fine, but I may be about ten minutes late. Wait for me.

The following Sunday George showed up right on time. Not only that he played left-handed and beat them.

They agreed to meet the following Sunday at 9.30. George again said:

- Okay, but I may be about ten minutes late. Wait for me.

The next Sunday there was George, punctual to the dot. This time he played right-handed and beat them again.

- Okay, for 9.30 next Sunday? - one of the foursome asked.

George said:

Day 1: A blonde comes home from school and says to her mum:

- We learned how to count up to 5 today mummy. I got up to 10. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?

Mum replies:

- yes dear

Day 2:

- We learned how to do the alphabet today mummy. The others only got up to E and I got up to S. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?

Mum replies:

- yes dear

Day 3:

- We learned about breasts today mummy. All the other girls are flat chested and I'm a 36DD. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?

What did the whale say to the dolphin when he pushed him???
→ I didn't do it on porpoise!!!

The following took place at an international conference for women's rights. The first speaker, a lady from England stood and said:

- During last year's conference, we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well, after the conference, I went home and told my husband, Barrington, that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day, I saw nothing. The second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb. (The crowd cheered).

The second speaker from Russia, stood up and said:

- After last year's conference, I went home and told my husband, Ivan, that I would no longer do his laundry and that he…

A teacher notices that a little boy at the back of the class is squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She goes back to find out what's up. He's quite embarrassed and whispers that he has just recently been circumcised and he's quite itchy. The teacher tells him to go down to the principal's office, to phone his mum, and ask her what he should do about it. He does this and returns to the class, sits down in his seat and suddenly, there's a general commotion at the back of the room. Back down she goes, only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your mom" she says. "I did" he says. "She told me that if I could…

There are 3 people standing in front of a magic mirror. The mirror gives you anything you desire if you tell it the truth, but you disappear if you lie. The first person to talk to the mirror was a very fat brunette. She walked up to the mirror and said "I think I am the thinnest person in the world." and poof, the mirror gobbled her up. The next person to come up to the mirror was a very ugly red head. She told the mirror "I think I am the prettiest person in the world" and poof, the mirror gobbled her up. Lastly came the blonde. She walked up to the mirror and said "I think..." and poof, the mirror gobbled her up.

Questions that have Confused humankind!!

• Who was the first person to look at a cow and say:

- I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?

• Who was the first person to say:

- See that chicken there.... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt.

• Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
• Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
• If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
• Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
• If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in…

Why does the wind always go west to east in Wyoming?
→ Because Nebraska sucks and Idaho blows.

A blonde goes horse back riding. It starts out slow, but then it starts to gallop. The blonde is enjoying herself. All of a sudden she slips off and her foot gets caught in the reins. The horse doesn't stop and the blonde is still being dragged upside down. She doesn't know what to do. Finally the Wal-Mart manager comes and unplugs it.

A man walked into a bar and guess what he said. Ouch!

Airport immigration......

NAME: Muhammed al Facid
SEX: Yes 3 times a week.
NO I MEAN FEMALE OR MALE: Oh that doesn't matter to me, sometimes I even do it with camels.