Latest

Your so old you have to put your d*ck in the freezer to get it hard.

Top 17 fatal things to say if your wife is pregnant

17. "I finished the Oreos."
18. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds."
19. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby..!!"
20. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"
21. "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl!"
22. "Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."
23. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."
24. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"
25. "I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"

It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest, and the Bear family is just waking up.

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table.

He looks into his small bowl. It is empty!

- Who's been eating my porridge - he squeaks?

Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair.

He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty!

- Who's been eating my porridge! - he roars?

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells:

- For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this?

- It was 'Momma Bear' who got up first.

A man wakes up in a hospital bed after a terrible accident and cries:

- DOC, DOC... I can't feel my legs, I can't feel my legs!!!

- Well of course you can't silly! - replies the Doc...

- I've cut off both of your arms.

The Rabbi rose with a red face...

- Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K. This is a horrible lie and one which a Jewish community cannot tolerate! I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and our Jewish community.

No one moved.

The Rabbi continued:

- Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel relief. Now stand and confess your transgression!

Again all was quiet. Slowly a "drop dead" gorgeous blonde with a body that would not stop rose in the third pew. Her head was bowed, and her voice…

A blonde walks into the library. She walks up to the counter, SLAMS a book down and screams at the librarian:

- This is the WORST book I've ever read!

- It has NO plot and far too many characters!

The librarian looks up and calmly remarks:

- So, you're the one who took our phone book...

In the Ohio State Buckeyes locker room in Columbus, there's a sign stating:

- Play like champions today!

There's also one in the Michigan Wolverines locker room that says:

- Don't forget your HELMET!

Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change.

Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust.

Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couples of dollar bills and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile.

The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers.

Frank is outraged by his friend's act of generosity.

- What on earth did you do that for? - shouts Frank.

- You know he's only going to use it on drugs or booze!!!

Matt replies:

- What...and we weren't?

25. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O J Simpson
26. THE ENGINEER'S GUIDE TO FASHION
27. TO ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE - by Ellen DeGeneres
28. THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN REALITY AND DILBERT
29. HUMAN RIGHTS ADVANCES IN CHINA
30. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY - by Dennis Rodman
31. THE WILD YEARS - by Al Gore
32. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN
33. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
34. CAREER OPPORTUNITIES FOR LIBERAL ARTS MAJORS

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night.

The waiter comes and takes their drink order.

- I would like a Sprite - said the first little piggie.

- I would like a Coke - said the second little piggie.

- I want water, lots and lots of water - said the third little piggie.

The drinks are brought out and the waiter takes their orders for dinner.

- I want a nice big steak - said the first piggie.

- I would like the salad plate - said the second piggie.

- I want water, lots and lots of water - said the third little piggie.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

There were three little babies sitting next to each other in shopping carts in the grocery store check-out line. The first little baby says, "Ugh, look at this - my mom just bought strained plums!" The second baby says, "You think that's bad - my mom just bought strained peas!" And the third baby says... "You think you guys got it bad? How would you like to share a breast with a guy that smokes cigars!"

4 Doctors were talking shop one day...

An Israeli doctor said:

- Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks.

A German doctor said:

- That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks.

A Russian doctor said:

- In my country, medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another and have them both looking for work in two weeks.

The American doctor, not to be outdone, said:

- Hah! We are about to take an asshole out of Texas, put him in the White House and half the country will be looking for work…

This chick goes to her docter and tells him that she can't get any from her husband. So he gives her some pills and says:

- they are experimental pills, put two into his coffee and see what happens.

So she does and the next morning come back and says:

- the sex was great what if I use ten??

And the docter replied:

- they are experimental pills so try it and see what happens.

So the next day she comes back and says:

- the sex was better, can I put the whole bottle in and see what happens.

The next morning a little boy walks up and says:

- my mother's dead, my sister's pregnant, my arse hurts like hell and my father is sitting in the corner saying here kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.

A blonde, a brunette, and a red-head where driving down the road, when a cop starts to chase them. They rush off and crash into the side of a barn, they immediately jump out of the car and hide under potatoe sacks. The cop runs in after them, and the first potatoe sack he comes to the brunette is under. He kicks it and the brunette says, "MEEEEOOOOOOW", and the cop says, "Oh! It's just a stupid cat." He then moves to the potatoe sack the red-head is under and kicks it. The red-head replies, "ROOF, ROOF", the cop, angry now, says, "STUPID DOG!!" Then the cop gets to the potatoe sack the blonde is under, he kicks it with great force and the blonde screams, "POOOOOOTAAAAAAATOOOOOOOE!"

Top ten most violent upcoming movies:

10. "Erin Brockovich Gets Her Face Chewed Off by Rats"
11. "Mary Poppins A Cap In Your Ass"
12. "Bitch-Slapping Miss Daisy"
13. "How Stella Got Her Groove Back 2: Whoopi Goldberg's Bikini Wax" Oh, for God's sake. I'm sorry we had to print that one.
14. "Peyote Ugly"
15. "Circumcision: The Purification Begins"
16. "Thou Hast Deflowered My Daughter: An Amish Ass-kickin'"
17. "Field of Limbs"
18. "Terminal Velocity 2" starring Christopher Reeve

A husband leaves the house to go pick up dinner for he and his wife. Shortly after leaving, the doorbell rings. It is her husbands best friend and she invites him in. Since she is in her bathrobe the man says to her:

- you have the nicest breasts.

She says:

- thanks but my husband would be mad if he heard you.

He replies:

- I would pay you $10 just to see one of them.

She thinks for a minute and decides to do it. He says:

- Wow that is the most perfect breast I ever saw....

- I will give you another $10 if you show me both at the same time.

She does it, and he gives her the money. The friend leaves and her husband comes home. She says:

1. I would not allow this employee to breed.
2. This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more definitely a won't be.
3. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
4. When she stops to open her mouth, it seems it is only to change whichever foot was previously there.
5. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
6. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
7. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
8. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
9. This employee should go far and sooner he starts, the better.
10. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

What is a waterfall that goes upwards?...
→ Viagrafalls

A blonde and a brunette jumped off a bridge, who landed in the water first?
→ The brunette. The blonde had to stop and ask for directions.

What do you get when you cross a Rotweiler with a Collie?
→ A dog who bites off your arm and go's to get help.

Why did Helen Keller go insane?
→ She tried to read a stucco wall.

A three year old walked over to the pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office.

He inquisitively ask the lady:

- why is your stomach so big?

She replied:

- Im having a baby.

With big eyes, he asked:

- Is the baby in your stomach?

She said:

- He sure is.

Then the little boy with a puzzled look asked:

How can you tell if a blonde has been using a computer?
→ The joystick is wet and theres white out on the screen!

A panda walked into a bar. He went up to the bar and said "I'd like a steak and kidney pie and a Coke please" so the barman took his order and the panda went to sit down. Soon a waiter brought over his meal. The panda ate it up, thanked and tipped the waiter and paid the bill.

All this seemed pretty normal until the panda pulled out a gun from the depths of his fur, pulled the trigger and BANG! shot the waiter.

The barman came over and said "Wha.. wh.. You just shot my friend!!!"

The panda calmly replied "Do you know what I am?"

"Why yes," the barman answered. "Your a panda."

"Good," the panda nodded "Now go home and look up 'panda' in the dictionary." And with that, the panda walked out of the…

A blonde walks into a barber shop one day and asks the man if she can get her hair cut. The man says "Well ma'am, I can't cut your hair with those head-phones on. You're going to have to take them off." She shakes her head vigorously and replies "No, if I take them off, I will die." He put his hands on his hips and ripped them off of her head. She fell to the floor and died. He was extremely surprised and picked up the head-phones. All he heard was "Breathe in, breathe out, breath in."