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A scientist was successful in cloning himself, and was asked to speak at a national convention of cloning scientists. The meeting room was located on the 45th floor of a New York skyscraper.

- My fellow scientists - he began. But before he could utter another word, the clone jumped up and shouted:

- he's a &^^%@)&!

Apologizing for the interruption, the scientist began again:

- My fellow scientists,

Again the clone sprang to his feet and yelled:

- this dumb %@(&+! couldn't produce a copy on a Xerox. He's a fraudulent $3%$##+=!

Incensed, the scientist rushed to the clone, grabbed him, and threw him out of the window.

The crowd gasped and security rushed into the room. A short while later New…

Sven and Ole worked together and were both laid off, so off they went to the unemployment office.

When asked his occupation, Sven looked the lady in the eye and said:

- Panty stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton panties.

The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classed as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.

Then Ole goes in and sits down with the lady.

She asked Ole his occupation.

- Diesel fitter - he replied.

Since diesel fitters was a skilled job the clerk gave the Ole $600 a week.

When Sven found out he was furious. He stormed back in to find out why his friend and co-worker, Ole, was collecting double his unemployment pay.

The clerk explained:

A lady on vacation took a stroll through the woods.

Suddenly a little white duck, all covered with poop, crossed her path.

- Oh, my - exclaimed the lady.

- Come on, I'll clean you!

She took a Kleenex from her purse and cleaned the little critter. She walked a little farther and another duck, with poop all over it, crossed her way. Again she took a Kleenex and cleaned the little bird. Then she encountered a third duck, with the same problem.

And for the third time, she acted like a Florence Nightingale. She walked on still farther and she heard a voice from the bushes calling... Pssssst...

- Hey, lady!

- Yes? - she responded.

- Do you have a Kleenex? - asked the voice from the bushes.

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the lady behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yells:

- PULLOVER!

- NO - she yelled back over the sound of the siren:

- It's a SCARF!

Real courtroom transcipts...courtesy of real idiots. ( Oops! My brain just hit a bad sector. )

Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
→ No, I said he was shot in the LUMBAR region.

Are you married?
→ No, I'm divorced.

And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
→ A lot of things I didn't know about.

Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
→ No.

What was he doing with the dog's ears?

What do you call an open can of tuna in a Lesbians apartment?
→ Po-pouri!!!

I'm really steamed at my wife. She is so immature!

Last night I was taking a bath and she came in and sunk all my little boats!

But I'm really a lucky guy. I never realized how much my wife loved me until the other day when I was sick and stayed home from work. She was so happy to have me home, that every time someone came to the door, like the mailman or deliveryman, she'd shout:

- My husbands home! My husband's home!

What a gal I married!

And for everyone that's still single, some notes on marriage......

Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering....

Marriage is an institution, but who wants to live in an institution?...

Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss....

On their wedding night the new couple are just about to do the deed when the wife tells her new husband that she has a confession.

- I lied when I told you I was a virgin. I have been with one other man - she tells her new hubby.

The new husband asks if it was anyone he knows?. The wife answers ...well maybe! Husband asks who it was.

The wife answers - it was Tiger Woods.

Since the only other person his new bride every slept with was the famous Tiger Woods, he's not at all upset and they get down to it and do the honeymoon "thing". When finished, the husband gets out of bed and reaches for the telephone.

- What are you doing? - asked his bride.

A Jewish family invited their Redneck neighbors over for holiday dinner. The first course was set in front of them and the Jewish couple announced:

- This is soup made with matzoh balls.

On seeing the 2 large matzoh balls in the soup, the redneck man was hesitant to taste this strange looking brew. Gently, the Jewish couple urged him to:

- Just have a taste. If you don't like it, you don't have to finish it.

Finally he agrees. He digs his spoon in, first picking up a small piece of matzoh ball with some soup in the spoon, and tasting it gingerly. The usual mmmm sound can be heard coming from somewhere deep in his chest, and he quickly finished the soup.

A woman and a baby come into the doctor's office.

She is taken into an examining room and waits for the doctor.

After arriving there, the doctor examines the baby, and finds him not gaining much weight and asks the woman:

- Is he breast fed or on the bottle?

- Oh...he is breast fed! - replied the woman.

- Well then, strip down to your waist - orders the doctor.

She takes off her top and bra and sits on the examing table.

The doc starts pressing, kneading and pinching both breasts for quite a while in a very detailed and thorough examination.

The doc motions to her to get dressed, then the doctor says:

- No wonder this baby is so hungry. You don't have any milk!

Greeting cards are getting expensive, so why not design your very own Hallmark Moment with some these sayings:

"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.

After having met you, I've changed my mind."

"I must admit, you brought religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell till I met you."

"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What the heck was I thinking?"

"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."

"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me.

Like the need for therapy..."

"Thanks for being a part of my life! I never new what evil was before this!"

An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language.

He stated how hurricanes at one time were given feminine names and how ships and planes were usually referred to as "she". One of the students raised their hand and asked:

- What gender is a computer?

The teacher wasn't certain which it was, so he divided the class into two groups, males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

Tired of boring old dog name like Ruff, Spot, Lassie, etc?

The next time you get a dog, name it: Mypenis

Why, you ask? Well just look at some of the great excuses you can use for school, work, and general conversation!

- I did do my homework but Mypenis ate it!

- Oh no, Mypenis is frothing at the mouth!

- Sorry I'm late. I was playing with Mypenis.

- I'm sorry officer, I didn't realize I had to keep Mypenis on a leash.

- Mypenis doesn't come when I call it.

- Mypenis likes to crawl between the legs of guests.

- If Mypenis begs at the dinner table, I just tell it to LAY DOWN!

A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his head out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down.

- Is this yours? - he asked.

She said:

- Yes, could you bring it up? - and the man agreed.

On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed.

Shortly afterwards she said:

- I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty; would you like to join me?

He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said:

- I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the…

A nun was walking in the convent when one of the Fathers noticed she was gaining a little weight.

- Gaining a little weight are we sister Susan? - he asked.

- Oh no, Father. Just a little gas. - Sister Susan explained, matter-of-factly.

A month or so later the Father noticed that she had gained even more weight.

- Gaining some weight are we Sister Susan? - he asked again.

- Oh no, Father. Just a little gas. - She replied again.

A few months later the Father noticed Sister Susan pushing a baby carraige in the convent.

He leaned over and looked in the carraige and said:

- What a cute little fart!

What do you get when you cross a rooster and peanut butter?
→ A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth!

It was the stir of the town when an 80-year-old man married a 20-year-old girl.

After a year she went into the hospital to give birth.

The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow. "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"

He answered:

- You've got to keep that old motor running.

The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said:

- You really are amazing. How do you do it?

He again said:

- You've got to keep the old motor running.

The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said:

A new two year degree is being offered at Life University...

Becoming a Real Man!

That's right, in just six terms, you too can be a real man.

Please take a moment to look over the program outline:

First Year

Autumn Schedule

- MEN 101... Combating Stupidity

- MEN 102... You too can do housework

- MEN 103... PMS - Learn when to keep your mouth shut

- MEN 104... We do not want sleazy underthings for Christmas

Who are the five most constipated men in the Old Testament?

1. Cain wasn't Abel.
2. Moses went up onto the mountain and took two tablets.
3. King David sat on the throne for forty years.
4. Solomon - neither heaven nor Earth could move him.
5. Noah was at sea for forty days and forty nights and all he passed was water.

"Old" is when...

- your sweetie says, "Lets go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"

- your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

- a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest your car.

- you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.

- going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

- you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

- when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

- when you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

- "getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.

HOW TO SAY "I LOVE YOU" IN 9 DIFFERENT LANGUAGES:

- English: I Love you

- Spanish: Te Amo

- French: Je T'aimes

- German: Ich Liebe Dich

- Japanese: Ai Shite Imasu

- Italian: Ti Amo

- Chinese: Wo Ai Ni

- Swedish: Jag Alskar

- Alabama, Arkansas, North Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Texas, Mississippi, North Carolina and Kentucky: Nice Tits

1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you have to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".
4. People who want to share their religious veiws with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
6. You should not confuse your career with your life.

I was having coffee at the golf course when I saw a large amount of black sediment in the bottom of the cup. So I called the grounds keeper.

My church accepts any denomination. But they prefer tens and twenties.

What kind of engine do they use in golf carts?
→ Fore cyclinder.

I say a dermatologist about a nasty red patch on my skin. I asked it would get better, but he said he didn't want to make any rash promises.

An univeristy student fell in love, and dropped out of school to marry her young love. She wrote to her parents to say that she had put the heart before the course.

I witnessed a robbery in a fabric factory and immediately called the police. They caught the culprit and held me as a…

An old Jewish couple was sitting around one evening and he says to his wife:

- Sarah, we are about to celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary, so tell me, have you ever been unfaithful to me?

She hesitated a while and said:

- Yes, 3 times.

- Three times!? how did it happen? - he asks.

"Well, do you remember right after we were married and we were broke and the bank was going to foreclose on our little house?"

"Yes, that was really a terrible time."

"Okay, well do you remember when I went to see the banker and the next day he extended our loan?"

- It is hard to believe - he said, but I guess it really was for us and I can forgive you.

She continued:

The night was young, the moon was high,
We were alone just she and I.
Her hair was soft her eyes were blue,
I new just what she wanted me to do,
Her skin was smooth her legs were fine.

I ran my finger down her spin.

I don't know how but i tried my best,
As I placed my hand on her breast.

I remembered my fear, my fast beating heart.

And slowly she spread her legs apart.