The top 10 inventions by Blondes:
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted:
- Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!
The shopkeeper said:
- By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist…
A Blonde walks into a Restaraunt, and she goes straight to the bulletin board in the back. She looks at the bulletin board and sees a piece of paper that sais "Ocean Cruise Only 5$".
She pulls the piece of paper off the wall and goes to the address listed on the back of paper. She walks into the building and hands the secretary the piece of paper.
The secretary nods and asks if she had the five dollars. The blonde nods and pulls five dollars out of her pocket and hands it to the secretary.
The secretary looks over to a burly black guy reading a news paper. She nods to the black guy. He stands up and knocks the blonde unconcious.
When the blonde wakes up, she's tied to a log and is floating down…
Ballad of the Bobbitt Hillbillies! Sung to the tune of the Beverly Hillbillies:
Here's a little story of a man named John
A poor ex-marine with a little fraction gone
It seems one night after gettin' with the wife
She lopped off his schlong with a swipe of a knife
Pecker that is,
Rodeoed, fillet food
Well, the next thing you know there's a ginsu by his side
And Lorena's in the car taking willie for a ride
She soon got tired of her purple headed friend
A blonde went to the emergency room with the tip of her left index finger blown off.
- How did this happen?
- Well I was trying to commit suicide.
- Trying to commit suicide by shooting your finger?
- No silly! First I put the gun to my chest and I thought, "I just paid $6,000 for these," then I put it in my mouth and I thought, "I just paid $4,000 to get my teeth straightened."
- So then I put the gun in my ear and I thought, "this is going to make a loud noise," so I put my finger in my ear before I pulled the trigger?
A blonde goes to a doctor and tells him that both her ears are burnt.
- Sit down and tell me how it happened.
- Well, I was ironing my clothes when I received a phone call, and instead of picking the phone, I picked up the iron and burnt my ear!
- Okay, I see... But that's one ear - what about the other?
- They called again!!
Ladies...read and heed!
SportsCenter starts at 11:00 PM and runs an hour. This is a great time to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer or talk to your sister.
Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game DO, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.
If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work? You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about. Silence does not need to be filled with discussions about "us" and "the relationship." We don't know anything about handbags. Don't even ask. We DID water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why this happens. Sports Illustrated is a better magazine than Cosmopolitan. Just accept that. No, you can't have the remote control.
21 Slogans To Help Promote Safe Sex
Things Not To Say During Sex
Girls shouldn't say:
Here's a handy list to print out and carry with you at all times. Next time ya rip one and someone asks:
- what was that? - you can now explain!
Silent But Deadly (SBD) Fart The type that remains totally inaudible, yet somehow causes all the occupants of a room to collapse. Can smell like anything, nasal investigators rarely have time to distinguish an odour.
Eggy Fart Smells very much like rotten eggs (or Hydrogen Sulphide). A powerful odor which tends to put people off lunch. Often rips out in the fashion of a Bunbuster.
Windy Fart The sort of fart which goes 'Whoosh', and is more felt than heard. A little like an SBD, but louder and considerably less toxic.
A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender asks for their order.
The man says:
- I'll have a beer - and turns to the ostrich.
- What's yours?
- I'll have a beer too - says the ostrich.
The bartender pours the beer and says:
- That will be $3.40 please - and the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says:
- I'll have a beer - and the ostrich says:
- I'll have the same.
20 Reasons Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex!
With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer Pharmacuticals is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society. According to company spokesman, Peter Riser, the following drugs are under testing now:
DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.
PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.
CHILDAGRA - Men taking this drug reported a sudden, over-whelming urge to perform more child-care tasks - especially cleaning…
Amnesia: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to become romantic again.
Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
Family Planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
Feedback: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't fully appreciate the strained carrots.
Full Name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.
Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
Independent: What we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
(Age 22)
Ok guys, own up...which one are you?
Men are just like a Dog...here's proof!
DANGER: new viruses discovered!
Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said:
- You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday.
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one:
- How did you do over the weekend?
- Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.
- 17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?
- I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this......
If ya really want that new job, you may want to avoid saying these:
- You could do worse.
- I'll work so hard you won't even know I'm there.
- I'll need all my paid vacation time up front so I'll be rested when I start.
- You can't turn me down because I smell bad. You have to have a reason.
- If you call the people I listed as references, please call my parole officer last.
- That big thing growing on my face isn't my fault.
- I don't do drugs at work any more. And I probably won't
- I can go all day without peeing once.
- If you hired my dumbass brother then you can surely hire me.
What do you call children who are raised in those naughty houses of ill-repute?
→ Brothel Sprouts!
We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where :) means a smile and :( is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by :o) and :o( respectively. Well, how about some "assicons"?
Here's a few:
- (_!_) a regular ass
- (__!__) a fat ass
- (!) a tight ass
- (_^^_) a bubble ass
- (_*_) a sore ass
- (o) an ass that's been around
- (x) kiss my ass
Why did God give Mexicans a nose?
→ So they'd have something to pick in the off season!
A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence. He's allowed to say only two words every 7 years.
After the first 7 years, the elders bring him in and ask him for his 2 words.
- Cold floors - he says. They nod and send him away. 7 more years pass and they bring him in for his 2 words. He clears his throat and says:
- Bad food. They nod and send him away. 7 more years pass and they bring him in for his 2 words.
- I quit - he says.
- That's not surprising - the elders say... - You've done nothing but complain since you've been here!
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
