A doctor walks into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulls a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tries to write with it.
Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said:
- Well that's great, just great... some asshole's got my pen!
NEW REGULATIONS FOR THE HUNTING OF LAWYERS
Government Department of Fish and "WildLife"
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.
Marie leans over to Pierre and says:
- Pierre, kiss me!
Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.
- What are you doing, Pierre? - says the startled Marie.
- I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!
She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says:
- Pierre, kiss me lower.
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts.
- Pierre! What are you doing? - asks the bewildered Marie.
During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general.
- You simpleton! - the officer barked.
- Don't you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?
- Yes sir - the solder answered apologetically.
- But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice. And I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches. But when two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the bigger say, 'Let's eat one now and save the other until winter' ---that did it!
A man is having a few drinks at a bar when he looks over and notices a drunk guy passed out at a table nearby. The bartender tells him the drunk is Mr. Murphy and asks the man if he could drive Mr. Murphy home. Being a good Samaritan, the man agrees. The bartender writes down the address and gives it to him.
The man walks over and tries to wake Mr. Murphy but Mr. Murphy is groggy and quite drunk. The man helps Mr. Murphy to his feet and Mr. Murphy falls to the floor in a heap.
- Jeez - the man says wondering how anyone could drink so much. He takes Murphy by the arm and practically drags him out to the car. Once there he leans him against the side of his car while he looks for his keys. Mr…
A certain young man finally got a date with a female of somewhat questionable morals that lived in his apartment complex. To prepare for his big date, the young man went up on to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude.
Unfortunately, he fell asleep while on the roof and managed to get a sunburn on his "tool". But, determined not to miss his date, he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze.
When the hot date showed up at his apartment, the young man treated her to a home cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a video. During the video, however, the young man's sunburn…
What do Skeletons say before eating?
→ Bone Appetite.
What do blondes and Jack-O-Lanterns have in common?
→ Both have blank expressions and are hollow inside.
Why did the Vampire get fired from the Blood Bank?
→ He was caught drinking on the job.
Why do ghosts have so much trouble dating?
→ Women can see right through them.
Why are Vampires Democrats?
→ They want Gore in 2000.
Yo mama's so hairy...
My 75 year old Dad was taking his daily walk through the park when he heard a tiny voice calling to him.
- Hey, mister! Pssst, mister!
Dad looked all around, and spotted a little frog sitting in the grass looking up at him.
- Hey mister - said the frog.
- A wicked witch cast a spell on me, and turned me into an ugly frog. If you'll just kiss me I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and be forever grateful.
Dad reached down, picked up the frog, put it in his pocket, and proceeded to walk on. The frog called out to him again:
- Hey! Didn't you hear me? I said if you'll kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess and be forever grateful.
Dad replied:
There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole outside of a farm house out in the country.
The papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said:
- Mmmmm, I smell sausage.
The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said:
- Mmmmmm, I smell pancakes.
The baby mole tried to reach his head outside the hole but couldn't because of the two bigger moles................
Are you ready for this? :)............
The baby mole said:
- The only thing I can smell is molasses!
The general was confined to the military hospital for treatment of a minor malady.
For almost a week he made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating both staff and the other patients, demanding attention and expecting his every order to be followed immediately.
He was in a six-man ward rather than a private room, his meals were too cold or not served to suit his taste, the light needed to be adjusted to his demands, the nighttime activities interfered with his rest... and on, and on.
One afternoon an orderly entered the room.
- Time to take your temperature, General.
After growling at the orderly, the general opened his mouth to accept the thermometer.
A blind man was standing on the corner with his dog when the dog raised his leg and wet on the man's trouser leg.
The man reached in his pocket and took out a doggie biscuit.
A busybody who had been watching ran up to him and said:
- You shouldn't do that. He'll never learn anything if you reward him when he does something like that!
The blind man retorted:
- I'm not rewarding him. I'm just trying to find his mouth so that I can kick him in the ass!
You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick-tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are not very nice.
You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull-headed. Taurus people have BO.
You are a quick and intellectual thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are cheap.
You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. That's why you'll never make anything of yourself. Most…
I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? --Age 15
Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. --Age 13
It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends. --Age 8
Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote. --Age 10
Home is where the house is. --Age 6
Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat.
Just before take-off a fat, little Jewish guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said:
- I think I'll go up and get a coke.
(Shuttle flights do not have cabin attendants, but you probably knew that.)
- No problem, - said the Jew.
- I'll get it for you.
While he was gone the Arab picked up the Jew's shoe and spit in it.
The Jew brought back the coke, when the other Arab said:
- That looks good. Think I'll have one too.
It was dusk time when a man had a flat tire right in front of a mental health hospital. After unscrewing the four nuts of the flat tire, he noticed that a hospital patient is watching him from over a nearby embankment. He managed to step on the hubcap in which he had carefully placed the nuts. To his dismay, the nuts went flying into the grass on the side of the road. So he got on his hands and knees and started searching in vain for the nuts in the semi-darkness.
A few minutes later he heard the mental patient chuckle, so he shouted at him irritably:
- What are you laughing at?
The other guy explained:
- Well, you have three other tires, each of which has four nuts... If you were to take one…
A mechanical engineer died & went to heaven. Upon arrival Saint Peter checked "THE BOOK" and didn't find his name, so he informed the engineer that he must get on the elevator and go DOWNSTAIRS.
Reluctantly the engineer boarded the elevator for the long trip DOWNSTAIRS and upon arrival in hell found that he was very uncomfortable due to the excessive heat. He asked to see the devil and was granted an interview, at which time he requested a large of materials with which to build an air conditioner. The devil replied that he could have anything he wished, and what he couldn't find, they would steal. So the engineer spent a month and a half building an air conditioner, which, when completed…
Herewith is a compendium of movie clichés, stereotypes, obligatory scenes, hackneyed formulas, shopworn conventions and outdated archetypes.
The author says that as you go to enough different movies, you start to notice things. Like how every time there's a chase scene in an exotic locale, a fruit cart gets overturned. Or how whenever the hero knocks out a Nazi sentry and puts on his uniform, the uniform is a perfect fit. Or how there are plots that would be over in five minutes, if all characters weren't idiots.
Actress Inferior Position - In movie sex scenes, which are usually directed by men, the POV (Point of View) at the moment of climax is almost always the man's, so that we see the…
One day the different parts of the body were having an argument to see which should be in charge.
The brain said:
- I do all the thinking so I'm the most important and I should be in charge.
The eyes said:
- I see everything and let the rest of you know where we are, so I'm the most important and I should be in charge.
The hands said:
- Without me we wouldn't be able to pick anything up or move anything. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge.
The stomach said:
- I turn the food we eat into energy for the rest of you. Without me, we'd starve. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge.
The legs said:
Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say:
- I'm Stupid.
That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like:
- Excuse me...oops, never mind. I didn't see your sign.
It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says:
- Hey, you moving?
- Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign.
A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes:
- Hey, y'all catch all them fish?
One day, Jesus and Satan decided to settle which one of them was the best programmer. God was chosen to be the judge.
Jesus and Satan got 10 hours to create the best program they could for the PC.
When 10 hours had past, the power suddenly went out, and all the data disappeared from both monitors. Moments later, the power came back on.
On Jesus's monitor, all the data had returned to its previous state, whereas Satan's monitor remained blank.
Satan got really angry and complained to God.
God was quiet for a moment, then he laughed and said:
- Jesus saves!
Three buddies decided to take their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas. The week flew by and they all had a great time. After they returned home and the men went back to work, they sat around at break and discussed their vacation.
The first guy says:
- I don't think I'll ever do that again! Ever since we got back, my old lady flings her arms & hollers, '7 come 11' all night & I haven't had a wink of sleep!
The second guy says:
- I know what you mean...my old lady played blackjack the whole time we were there and she slaps the bed all night and hollers 'hit me light or hit me hard', and I haven't had a wink of sleep either!
The third guy says:
A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night goes to his mother with the following question:
- Mom, why are wedding dresses white?
The mother looks at her son and replies:
- Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure.
The son thanks his mom and goes off to double-check this with his father:
- Dad why are wedding dresses white?
The father looks at his son in surprise and says...:
- Son, all household appliances come in white!
Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
Bernie looked at Morris and remarked:
- That is really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names.
Morris hung his head and whispered:
- To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago!
A pastor went out one Saturday to visit his church members. At one house, it was obvious that someone was home, but nobody came to the door even though the preacher knocked several times. Finally, the preacher took out his card, wrote out "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it, and stuck it in the door.
Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and he with me. - Revelation 3:20
The next day, the card turned up in the collection plate. Below the preacher's message was written the following notation:
I heard your voice in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; and I hid myself. - Genesis 3:10
