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Bruce comes home one day and says to his lover:

- Please do me a favor. It feels like something's stuck up my ass. Could you check it out for me?

His roommate lubes up his finger (mercifully) and shoves it up Bruce's ass, feeling all around, and says:

- I don't feel anything.

Bruce says:

- Trust me, there's something up there. Try lubing up your whole hand and checking it out.

So his roommate lubes his whole hand and sticks it up Bruce's ass. He feels around, and then pulls out a Rolex watch.

He says:

- I found your problem. There was a watch stuck up your ass.

Bruce starts singing:

What did one casket say to the other?
→ Was that you coffin?

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan, when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale:

- Let's both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink.

They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of the shore.

The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female:

- Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore.

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leave her, hoping she will be well cared for.

The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to fall over sideways in her chair.

Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.

Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. They ask:

The blonde says to her friend:

- My boyfriend has the worst dandruff.

Her friend says:

- You should give him Head and Shoulders.

The blonde thinks for a minute and replies:

- how do you give shoulders?

What's the difference between a rectal thermometer and an oral thermometer?
→ The taste!

This suave-looking Redneck, (ok, just pretend there is one) walks into a bar and sees a cute little rich girl who's had too much to drink.

He says to her:

- Hey, baby...whataya say we go back to your place and get it on!

Lost in her drink, she replies:

- Sure, why not!

They get to her place, and she lies on the bed and says:

- Ok, show me what you do best!.

Without delay, the Redneck rips off his jacket, grabs her T.V., VCR, and purse and runs out the door!

Why is six afraid of seven?
→ Because seven eight nine!

The Gutter-Mind Test!

1. What is a four-letter word that ends in k and means the same as intercourse?
2. What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only two of?
3. What can you find in a man's pants that is about six inches long, has a head on it, and that women love so much that they often blow it?
4. What word starts with f and ends with u-c-k?
5. Name five words that are each four letters long, end in u-n-t, one of which is a word for a woman?
6. What does a dog do that you can step into?
7. What is a 4-letter word that begins with f and ends with k, and if you can't get one you can use your hands?
8. What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a girl fat?

What's 30 feet long and smells like urine?
→ A country line dance at the nursing home!

Look at each numbered item. Take one point for each one your remember.

When finished, check your score below:

1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles
5. Hamburg joints with tableside jukeboxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines
8. Newsreels before the movie

A man lay spread out over three seats in the second row of a movie theater.

As he lay there breathing heavily, an usher came over and said:

- That's very rude of you, sir, taking up three seats. Didn't you learn any manners! Where did you come from?

The man looked up helplessly and said:

- The balcony!

Why was the belt arrested?
→ Because it held up a pair of pants!

Blonde secretary's memo to her boss:

TO: My Boss
FROM: Blondie
SUBJECT: Changing Calendars For Y2K

I hope that I haven't misunderstood your instructions because, to be honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me. At any rate, I have finished the conversion of all of the months on all the company calendars for you. The calendars have returned from the printer and are ready to be distributed with the following new months:

Januark
Februark
Mak
Julk

I also changed all the days of each week to:

I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large new motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister."

I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went in back to make a sandwich!

A young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a grave side committal service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends.

The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns. He arrived a half-hour late, the hearse was nowhere in site, and the workmen were eating lunch.

The pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Taking out his book, he read the service.

As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say:

- Maybe we'd better tell him it's a septic tank.

One day, Grandma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Grandma's kitchen.

"Where's my bucket and where's my water?" Grandma asked him.

"I can't get any water from that water hole, Grandma," exclaimed Johnny. "There's a big ol' alligator down there!"

"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!"

"Well, Grandma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"

In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could.

The hunter ran and ran and ran, his lungs burned for lack of oxygen, his heart pounding so hard he felt like it would burst out of his chest. Then suddenly, he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim. Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed:

- Dear Lord! Please give this bear some religion!

The skies darkened, and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet…

My wife thinks I'm too nosy. At least that's what she keeps writing in her diary!

A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day.

That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight point buck.

- Where's Henry? - one of his campmates asked.

"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail."

"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back!?!"

"A tough call," nodded the hunter, "but I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"

A Woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

- What Denomination? - Asked the clerk.

- Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this? - said the woman.

"Well give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic!"

I was in the waiting room of my doctor's office the other day when the doctor started yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!" I went up to the nurse and asked her what was going on.

She told me that the doctor liked to call the shots.

The kid ran out of the burlesque show.

The doorman grabbed him and asked what is the matter.

The kid said:

- My Mama told me if I looked at anything bad I'd turn to stone.... and I can feel it starting!

A mother was anxiously awaiting her daughter`s plane. She had just come back from a far away land trying to find adventure.

As the daughter was exiting the plane, the mother noticed a man directly behind her daughter dressed in feathers with exotic markings all over his body and carrying a shrunken head. The daughter introduced this man as her new husband.

The mother gasped in disbelief and disappointment and screamed:

- I said for you to marry a Rich Doctor! a Rich Doctor!

For those of you who may need it...

A Prayer for the Stressed!

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off. And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they may be connected to the behind that I may have to kiss tomorrow.

Help me to always give 100% at work....

- 12% on Monday

- 23% on Tuesday

- 40% on Wednesday

- 20% on Thursday

- 5% on Fridays

And help me to remember ...