What do you call two elephants on a bicycle?
→ Optimistic!
What do you get if you take an elephant into the city?
→ Free Parking.
What do you get if you take an elephant into work?
→ Sole use of the elevator.
What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
→ You walk him and pitch to the Zebra!
How do you know if there is an elephant in the pub?
→ It's bike is outside.
In The Beginning was The Plan.
And then came the Assumptions
And the Assumptions were without form
And the Plan was completely without substance
and the darkness was upon the face of the workers and they spoke among themselves, saying...:
- It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh.
And the workers went unto their Supervisors and sayeth:
- It is a pile of dung and none may abide the odor thereof.
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers and sayeth unto them:
- It is a container of excrement and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it.
What do you know when you see three elephants walking down the street wearing pink sweatshirts?
→ They're all on the same team.
How do you know if there's an elephant in bed with you?
→ She has a big 'E' on her pajama jacket pocket.
Why won't they allow elephants in public swimming pools?
→ Because they might let down their trunks.
Why do elephants have four feet?
→ Because lady elephants have big twats.
What do elephants use for tampons?
→ Sheep.
Why do elephants have trunks?
→ Because they would look silly with glove compartments.
What do you do when you come across an elephant?
→ Wipe it off!
Have you heard about Hannibal crossing the Alps with elephants?
→ None of the offspring survived.
How does the male elephant find the female elephant when she's lying down in tall grass?
→ VERY attractive.
How do you know when an elephant has been screwing in you're yard?
→ The flower beds are crushed and you are missing a garbage bag!
The first 90% of project takes 90% of the time, the last 10% takes the other 90% of the time.
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION: You'll be making under $7 an hour.
ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY: You'll be making under $7 an hour; we'll be bankrupt in a year.
PROFIT-SHARING PLAN: Once it's shared between the higher-ups, there won't be a profit.
COMPETITIVE SALARY: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY: We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.
NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER: Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we haven't done anything innovative since.
IMMEDIATE OPENING: The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad.
The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government. And since we KNOW they don't do a d***** thing, this leaves 19 million to do the work.
Four million are in the Armed Forces (i.e. let's soak up more tax dollars while we play "Doom"), which leaves 15 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.
There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.
AVERAGE: Not too bright.
EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders to date.
ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily.
ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated.
CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one step ahead of the law.
UNLIMITED POTENTIAL: Will stick with us until retirement.
QUICK THINKING: Offers plausible excuses for errors.
TAKES PRIDE IN WORK: Conceited.
TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPERTUNITY TO PROGRESS: Buys drinks for superiors.
This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.
There was an important job to be done, and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
FR: MANAGEMENT
SUBJECT: SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well-trained through out program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give out employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.
If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and out managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.
DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P…
Calories can be burned by the hundreds by engaging in strenuous activities that do not require physical exercise.
Exercise - Calories burned per hour
Things That Sound Dirty In Law But Aren't...
Have you looked through her briefs?
He is one hard judge!
Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
His attorney withdrew at the last minute.
Is it a penal offense?
Better leave the handcuffs on.
For $200 an hour, she better be good!
Can you get him to drop his suit?
The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
Include your children when baking cookies!
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.
Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
How is a blonde and a screen door alike?
→ The harder you bang them the looser they get.
So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for.
There are 365 days per year available for work.
There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work.
Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.
You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available.
With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work.
You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work.
A fool and his money are asked to go everywhere!
A fool and his money are soon elected.
A fool and his money are soon popular.
A fool and his money is my kind of customer!
If money's the root of all evil, why do churches want it?
All I ask is to prove that money can't make me happy.
Come to Florida, bring money, BUT GET THE HECK OFF OUR BEACH!
Even the blind can see money.
Expert - Someone who knows less, but makes more money.
It's not the money I want, it's the stuff.
To make things easier for all of us, please notice this Important Notice About Notices...
You may have noticed the increased number of notices for you to notice. We notice that some of our notices have been noticed. On the other hand, some of our notices have not been noticed. This is very noticeable. It is noticed that the responses to the notices have been noticeably unnoticeable. This notice is to remind you to notice the notices and respond to the Notices because we do not want the noticed to go unnoticed.
This machine is subject to breakdown during periods of critical need. A special circuit in the machine called a "critical detector" senses the operator's emotional state in terms of how desperate he or she is to use this machine.
The "critical detector" then creates a malfunction proportional to the desperation of the operator. Threatening the machine with violence will only aggravate the situation. Likewise, attempts to use another machine may cause it to also malfunction. (They belong to the same union.) Keep cool and say nice things to the machine. Nothing else seems to work. Never let anything mechanical know you are in a hurry.
Gross pay: $1222.02
Income Tax 244.40
Outgo Tax 45.21
State Tax 61.10
Interstate Tax 5.89
County Tax 6.11
City Tax 12.22
Rual Tax 4.44
Back Tax 1.11
Front Tax 1.16
It's time to turn your computer off and read a book when....
Should you receive a document with any of the following viruses, you must immediately open the window and throw out your computer. I repeat, do not ever again use your computer should it be infected with ANY of these horrible viruses.
There is an 80 year old virgin who suddenly gets an itch in her crotch area. She goes to the doctor who checks her out and tells her she has crabs. She explained that she couldn't have crabs because she was a virgin, but the doctor didn't believe her, so she went to get a second opinion.
The second doctor gave her the same answer. So she went to a third doctor and said:
- Please help me. This itch is killing me and I know that I don't have crabs because I'm a virgin.
The doctor checks her out and says:
- I have good news and bad news. The good news is you don't have crabs, the bad news is that your cherry rotted and you have fruit flies.
A college couple is under a tree on campus making out. After a while, the girl says:
- I wish you had a flashlight.
He says:
- Why's that?
She says:
- Because you've been eating grass for fifteen minutes.
A woman had been married three times and was still a virgin.
Somebody asked her how that could be possible.
- Well - she said.
- The first time I married an octogenarian and he died before we could consummate the marriage.
- The second time I married a naval officer and war broke out on our wedding day.
- The third time I married a Microsoft Windows programmer and he just sat on the edge of the bed and kept telling me how good it was going to be.
A little boy goes up to his father and asks:
- Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?
The father replies:
- Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for $500,000.
The boy goes and asks his mother:
- Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?
The mother replies:
- Hell yes I would!
The little boy returns to his father:
- Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'
