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If a child annoys you, quiet him by brushing his hair.

If this doesn't work, use the other side of the brush on the other end of the child.

My husband and I had just finished tucking our four young ones into bed one evening when we heard sobbing coming from three-year-old Eric's room.

Rushing to his side, we found him crying hysterically. He had accidentally swallowed a penny and was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking could change his mind.

Desperate to calm him, my husband palmed a penny that he happened to have in his pocket and pretended to pull it from Eric's ear.

Eric was delighted.

In a flash, he snatched it from my husband's hand, swallowed it and demanded cheerfully:

- Do it again, Dad!

A little boy was visiting his grandparents on their farm and became attached to one of the kittens. This kitten, having no road sense, was killed by a passing car right in front of the little boy. The grandfather buried the kitten behind the barn, and the grandmother distracted the boy by giving him cookies and milk. While the little boy was eating, the following conversation took place.

- Grandma, what happened to the kitten?

- It was killed by a car. The kitten is dead.

- Where does a kitten go when it dies?

- God takes the kitten to heaven.

The little boy took another bite of cookie and then said:

- But, Grandma, what does God want with a dead kitten?

A business person once sat behind a small child on an airliner traveling from Chicago to N.Y. The kid sat with his nose glued to the window as the plane taxied and then took off.

After a couple of minutes in the air, the boy turned to his father and asked:

- When do we start getting smaller?

Little four-year-old Julie was looking at her new baby brother for the first time. He was fast asleep.

After staring at her tiny, motionless baby brother for a few minutes, Julie looked up at her mother and asked plaintively:

- Didn't he come with batteries?

By Bill Adler

A Teenager is...

• A person who can't remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone number..
• A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before breakfast..
• A youngster who receives his/her allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and borrows from his/her best friend on Wednesday.
• Someone who can hear a song by Madonna played three blocks away but not his mother calling from the next room.
• A whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but can't make a bed.
• A student who will spend 12 minutes studying for her history exam and 12 hours for her driver's license.
• A youngster who is well informed about anything he doesn't have to study.

If your child asks how Santa Claus gets into the house, just tell him he comes in through a large hole in daddy's wallet.

What do you call an Eagle Scout with a crew cut?
→ A bald eagle!

- Scoutmaster: Tenderfoot, how did you get that black eye?

- Tenderfoot: Sir, I was hit by a guided muscle with a knucklear warhead!

- Dad: The only way to acquire a new skill is to start at the bottom.

- Son: But I want to learn to swim?

Why were the Scouts so tired on April 1?
→ Because they had just finished a 31 day March!

A friend went to the kitchen window to check on her two-year-old son, who was playing in the yard with some older children in the neighbourhood. She was horrified to see that they were feeding him an earthworm.

She quickly opened the window and screamed at them:

- Don't feed him worms! They'll make him sick!

They looked up at her puzzled and asked:

- Was he sick yesterday?

- Father: If I had ten oranges and gave you two, how many would I have left?

- Son: I don't know, because in school we learn on apples.

From Matt Groening's "Big Book Of Hell", here are: 'Lies My Older Brother And Sister Told Me'...

The Sleeping Alligator Story

- Older Bro/Sis: See this? He isn't stuffed, ya know. He's sleeping.

- You: Really?

- Bro/Sis: If you don't believe me, why don't you put your finger in his mouth?

The Boy-Trap Warning

- Bro/Sis: Inside my closet, there's a little door, and behind that little door, there's a boogey-man, and he's set traps in there, little boy traps.

- You: Really?

- Bro/Sis: And they're baited with CUSTARD.

- You: Uh-oh.

From Matt Groening's very funny "Big Book Of Hell", here are some philosophical theories shared by youngsters:

If you eat a bunch of fizzies (i.e. pop-rocks or the like) when you drink a glass of water, you will explode.

Dogs and bees can smell fear.

Nothing's impossible. Not even a little baby counting all the grains of sand in the whole world in a fraction of a second.

If you throw a penny off the top of the Empire State Building, it will go a foot into the sidewalk.

There's a place in France where the ladies wear no pants.

If you cut open a golfball, the radioactive juice inside will blow up.

Rain is just God peeing on you.

If you die in your dream, you will die.

Here I am at Camp Grenada. Camp is very entertaining, and they say we'll have some fun if it stops raining. I went hiking with Joe Spivy. He developed poison ivy. You remember Leonard Skinner; he got ptomaine poisoning last night after dinner.

All the counselors, hate the waiters, and the lake has alligators. And the head coach was no sissy, so he reads to us from something called Ulysses. Now I don't want this to scare ya. But my bunkmate has malaria. You remember Jeffrey Hardy... They're about to organize a search party.

Take me home, oh mother, father. Take me home, I hate Grenada. Don't leave me out in the forest where I might get eaten by a bear. Take me home, I promise I will not make…

One can pity the father with three kids in college. He tells his wife that they are getting poorer by degrees.

Mother calls up stairs:

- You boys better get down here and eat your breakfast or you'll be late for school!

As they are ambling down, the 5-year-old turns to the 4-year-old, stops and says:

- Today we're gonna learn to swear!

The 4-year-old gives a fearful look.

The 5-year-old continues:

- When we get to the table, I'll say 'hell' and you say 'ass'!

The 4-year-old agrees with reservation.

They seat themselves at the table. Mother greets them:

- Good morning boys! What would you like for breakfast?

Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain or, having children will turn you into your parents.

If I want it, it's mine.

If I give it to you and change my mind later, it's mine.

If I can take it away from you, it's mine.

If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.

If it's mine, it will never belong to anybody else, no matter what.

If we are building something together, all the pieces are mine.

If it looks just like mine, it's mine.

- Sales person: Hello, may I speak to the man of the house please?

- Youngster: (whispering) No, he's busy.

- Sales person: Well then, can I please speak to your mother?

- Youngster: (in a whisper) She's busy too.

- Sales person: I see, how about your brother or sister? Can I speak to him?

- Youngster: (whispering) No. They're both busy too.

- Sales person: (losing patience) Is there anybody else there I could talk to???

- Youngster: (in a whisper) Yeah, the police are here...but they are busy too....

- Sales person: (by now quite exasperated) What are all these people doing that keeps them so busy?!!!

- Youngster: (still whispering) Looking for me.

1. Because baby eats. Eating is a messy job for a baby. If you wrap a baby in a towel sized bib...baby will find the tiny gap of space left around the neck and dump food in.
2. Because baby sleeps. Sleeping is an unplanned job for baby. If you don't have a clean dry diaper on baby when baby decides to doze...or even if you do...baby will figure out a way to sleep and still whiz on everything.
3. Because baby drools. Baby may look clean to the unexpecting admirer... but beware of picking up the little water fountain unless your clothing has flood insurance.
4. Because baby moves. If your house is spotless...baby will find spot.
5. Because baby has Grandma. Grandma thinks the little suit with…

A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along.

- I'll never do that again! - he told his mother that evening.

- I didn't catch a thing!

- Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away - his mother said.

The boy said:

- It wasn't that. She ate all the bait!

In the sleepy city of Sherrill, N.Y., two unsuspecting adults have found themselves the objects of sleep deprivation research.

James Harden is currently in his tenth month of his study. His subjects, Debbie and Dennis Harden, have tried to foil his research to no avail. "Ferber" has failed and so has "The Family Bed."

Young James conducts his studies by awakening in the wee hours of the morning, standing up in his crib, and screaming at the top of his lungs. Sometimes, a backrub from Mom will put him back to sleep; but at other times, it takes the formula ritual. Sometimes James is actually hungry but most of the time he just wants to check how his research is going.

Walking down the street, a man passes a house and notices a little boy trying to reach the doorbell. No matter how much the little guy stretches, he can't make it.

The man calls out:

- Let me get that for you - and he bounds onto the porch to ring the bell.

- Thanks, mister - says the kid.

- Now let's run!