A little girl asked her mother:
- Can I go outside and play with the boys?
Her mother replied:
- No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough!
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked:
- If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?
Ever notice that the laws of household physics are every bit as real as every other law in the universe? Here are a few examples:
A mother was having dinner with her two young children when her three year old daughter asked her why there were two holes in your nose.
Her four year old son quickly responded with:
- So you can still breath when you pick your nose!
I heard a story of a woman going into a bank with her son who was about 5 or 6. He was being a brat and his mother was having a hard time controlling him. When she finally got to the teller, she sat the boy on the counter and said:
- Now you be a good boy or I'll tell Gramma how you were acting and she won't give you anymore cookies.
The child sat there for a moment with a scowl on his face and then told her, and everyone else in the bank:
- Oh yeah? Well I'll tell Gramma I saw you sucking Daddy's cock!
The place went completely silent and the woman just picked up her son and left without finishing her banking.
The String And Octopus Guide To Parenthood by Colin Bowles
Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father.
A young couple had identical twin sons and nearly everyone had a heck of a time telling them apart. An aunt asked the mom if she had any problems distinguishing the two lads, and the mother replied, "No, I can tell them apart by their balls. One bawls all night, the other bawls all day!"
The years of peak mental activity are surely between age four and 18.
At four, we know all the questions; at eighteen, all the answers.
- Dad: Look at this room. It's a mess. When will our kids start picking up toys?
- Mom: When they have kids!
Divorce is bachelorhood, with strings attached...
Tis better to have loved and lost....than have to live with the bitch the rest of my life.
What do you call a woman without an asshole? Divorced.
My ex-wife is like a good laxative...she irritates the shit out of you.
Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.
Divorce is having your genitals torn off through your wallet. - Robin Williams
Love is grand. Divorce is at least 20 grand.
When I got divorced, my wife and I split the house. I got the outside and she got the inside.
Of all the new weight loss programs and exercise videos available, divorce is still the most effective. Where else can you get rid of 205 pounds in a quick 90 days.
Alimony:
After 40 years of marriage, Jimmy decides to leave Katherine.
She starts crying and then asks:
- How can you do this, Jimmy? How can you just walk out? The first year we were together, you caught pneumonia and almost died! Who sat by your bed and nursed you back to health? Me!
- And when you lost half your family in the terrible car crash, who kept you going and kept your spirits up? Me!
- And when our kids grew up and ran away from home, who sat with you and comforted you? Me!
- And when you lost everything last year in the fire at the store, who stayed at your side the whole time? Me!
- How could you leave me, Jimmy? You've been through everything with me.
Jimmy replies:
One of the reasons that fifty percent of marriages end in divorce is that those men who promised that they'd die for their woman just don't come through.
How many male chauvinistic pigs does it take to change a light bulb?
→ None. Let the bitch do it by herself. or None. Let the bitch cook in the dark.
A job negotiator and a feminist were in dispute... The feminist was arguing over the different pay scales that her women were receiving...
- Fem: Okay, why are women paid less than men for doing the same job that a man does.
- Neg: It says in the Bible that women are worth less than men.
- Fem: Where does it say that? I don't think so.
- Neg: Well, you do agree that woman was made from a rib, correct?
- Fem: Yeah, so?
- Neg: Well, there you have it. A rib is a cheaper cut of meat!
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
→ Nobody knows. It has never happened.
How are a husband and a cat similar when it comes to housework?
→ They're both afraid of the vacuum cleaner.
Why don't men often show their true feelings?
→ Because they don't have feelings.
How do you get a man to leave when you want?
→ Ask him about his feelings.
What's the easiest way for a wife to cause hearing loss in her husband?
→ Say she wants to talk to him.
James and Beverly Jenkins had been married for twelve years when they mutually agreed to end it and get divorced. After the divorce was granted, that same day, as they stood facing each other for what could be the last time, James asked Beverly if she would mind him asking one last question.
- Not at all, go right ahead - she replied.
- Well, their is one thing that has always bother me. We have five kids with brown hair but youngest one, little Jimmy, has blonde hair. So, please tell me, whose kid is Jimmy?
- I just can't tell you, James. The answer would hurt you too much.
- I'll be fine. Now that we're divorced, finding out whoever Jimmy came from can't hurt me too much.
A wife was having coffee with a girlfriend of hers when she confided to her:
- Our marriage has never been that great, but this year has been the absolute worst between my husband and I. Harry often yells at me, criticizes me, puts me down, plus he never helps out with anything around the house, and I keep getting the feeling that he's screwing his secretary. I can't eat, I can't sleep...in fact, I've already lost eight pounds this month alone!
- Well, why don't you dump the bastard?!? - her friend said.
To which the wife replied:
- Oh, I plan to do that, but first I want to get my weight down to 115 pounds.
My ex-husband (or ex-wife) was very responsible. If anything went wrong, he was usually responsible for it.
- Mrs. Riley, you say you divorced your husband 6 years ago, but you have a newborn infant and children 1, 2, 3, and 4 years old. How come?
- Well, every year, he comes back to apologize.
A man and woman were lying in bed on night and the woman said to the man:
- I sure wish I had bigger tits.
The man responded by saying she should rub toilet paper all over them.
The woman looked at him and asked:
- Toilet paper, what will that do?
The man said:
- I don't know, but look what it's done for your ass!
Bill Clinton and Hillary were travelling in a car.
They stopped at a filling station. They saw Hillary's young lover there. Bill said to Hillary if you were still with him, you were the wife of a filling station owner.
Hillary said:
- NO! Then he would be the president of United States
