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To: All Male U.S. Citizens
From: I.R.S. Service Center
Re: Notice of increase in tax payments

The only thing that the I.R.S. has not taxed yet is your penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 20% of the time it is pissed off, 30% of the time it is hard up and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has 2 dependants and they are both nuts.

Effective January 1, 1998 your penis will be taxed according to size. The categories are as follows:

- 10 - 12 inches....... Luxury Tax $30.00

- 8 -10............... Pole Tax $25.00

- 5 -8................ Privilege Tax $15.00

- 4 -5................ Nuisance Tax $3.00

There was this blonde girl who had gotten fed up with blonde jokes, so she decided to dye her hair black.

So she did, and she was sooooo happy with it that she went to her car and drove around just to show off her new look. She was coming up to this intersection when she saw a shepeherd by the road waiting to cross with his flock of lambs. The girl stopped and waved him to pass.

While the flock was crossing the road, she asked the shepherd:

- If I can guess how many sheep you got there, would you give me one?

He thought about the offer for a minute and decided it was ok. The girl looked at the flock and exclaimed:

- 487. The shepherd said:

What do you get when you cross a fish and an elephant?
→ SWIMMING TRUNKS !!!

What do you call a blonde behind a stearingwheel?
→ An airbag!

Did ya hear about the blonde lesbian?
→ She liked guys!

Neighbors had complained to the mayor about the noisy pub on the corner of 3rd & Lambourne. Seems that the old cronies got together every friday & saturday, played cards, drank beer, told lies and jokes until 2am Saturday morning, when the pub had to close.

Officer Redding, parked down the street was not amused. He checked his watch, noted it was 01:55, time for the old drunks to start leaving. If he hadn't been assigned this crap detail he'd be down at the I-80 Truck stop about now having a nice hot cup of coffee. Redding pulled out a cigarette and was about to light up when the door of the pub slammed open and an old geezer stumbled out. Redding put the smoke back in the pack; he was "on…

The old couple were planning to go on a second honeymoon for their 50th wedding anniversary.

The old woman said:

- We will go to all the same places that we did on our first honeymoon.

- Uh huh - said the old man.

- We will do all the things that we did on our first honeymoon - said the old woman.

- Uh huh - said the old man.

- And we will make love like we did on our first honeymoon - said the old woman.

- That's right - said the old man, except this time I get to sit on the side of the bed and cry, 'It's too big, it's too big!'

You know you're not a kid anymore when...

- You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.

- You can live without sex, but not without glasses.

- Your back goes out more than you do.

- You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

- You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

- You are proud of your lawn mower.

- Your best friend is dating someone half their age...and isn't breaking any laws.

- You call Olan Mills before they call you.

- Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

With all due respect, President Clinton was telling the truth when he said he was not having sex with that woman... Of course he was referring to Hillary!

What do John Elway, Art Modell, and O.J. Simpson all have in common?
→ They all killed the Browns!

There was this boy that lived with his mother.

One night the boy woke up and went to the restroom and on his way he passed his mothers room and looked in and saw his mom rubbing her breasts and saying:

- I NEED A MAN. Then he went to bed.

The next night the same thing happened, she was there rubbing her breasts and saying:

- I NEED A MAN.

On the third night the woman had a man in bed with her when the son looked in.

Right away the boy went to his room and stood in front of the mirror rubbing hiself and saying....:

- I NEED A BIKE..........

Why do they manufacture perfumed bathroom tissue when our noses are on our faces?

Bill, Hillary and Chelsea Clinton are on Air Force One.

Bill says to Hillary:

- I could make a lot of people very happy if I threw 1 million $1 bills out of this plane.

Hillary says:

- Oh yeah, well I could make even more people happy if I threw 1 million $5 bills out of this plane.

Chelsea says:

- I could make the whole world happy if I threw you both out of this plane!

To cut off a blonde's ears, put razor blades on each shoulder and ask the blond a question.

Automatically the blonde will shake her head from shoulder to shoulder saying:

- I don't know.

What do you call a pregnant Black woman?
→ A dope carrier!

If a man talking dirty to a woman is sexual harassment, what do you call a woman talking dirty to a man?
→ $3.99 a minute!

A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.

After the trial he asked the judge:

- Does this mean that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?

The judge said that was true.

- Does this mean I cannot call a pig, 'Mrs. Johnson'? - the man asked.

The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig 'Mrs. Johnson' with no fear of legal action.

The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said...:

- Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson!

What do you call a cow with no legs?
→ GROUND BEEF!

What's the simiarity between Clinton and a carpenter?
→ One screw in the wrong place and the whole cabinet falls apart!

What's the difference between an african lion and OJ Simpson?
→ An african lion is an african lion, OJ Simpson is a lyin african!

A road crew is making a giant freeway, when they come across a sign and a lever. The sign reads:

- pull lever and end world.

The workers decide not to pull the lever just in case.

One night, a man named Nate is driving home. He is very drunk and is just about to hit the lever when he flies off of the road and explodes.

The headlines in the newspaper the next day all read...:

- better Nate than Lever!

Why do they name cyclones after women?
→ Because they start off as little blow jobs and end up taking the whole house!

Four words guaranted to destroy a man's ego: "Is it in yet?"

A famous magician had a thundering finish to his act. He would fill a large bowl with shit and proceed to slurp it noisily, to the amazement of his audience.

One night he had just begun the wow finish of his act when he stopped in his tracks.

- Go ahead - said the stage manager:

- Eat the shit, eat the shit!

- I just can't do it - said the magician:

- There's a hair in it!

If you went to New York City for vacation and found eggs everywhere, what would the city's new name be?
→ New Yolk City!