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Whats the difference between an elephants fart and a cocktail saloon?
→ Ones a Bar Room and the others a BARRROOOOOOOMMMM!!!!

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.

Why does Clinton were underwear? To keep his ankles warm!

There was a retarded duck farmer who had 2 sons, but only enough money to send one to college. So he came up with a fair way to choose who was to get the money. He called both of his sons into a room and gave them each a retarded duck and instructed them to go into the city. The one who made the most off the duck would win the money for college.

Well the first child, being the good child he was, scurried off to sell his duck. As he was walking, he saw a lady mowing her lawn. She jumped up from the mower and screamed:

- IS THAT A RETARDED DUCK?!?

It sure is he replyed, and its for sale too! She said that she collected retarded ducks and would gladly pay him $10 for that duck, he agreed.

A new bellringer was needed for Notre Dame Cathedral to replace Quasimoto, the hunchback. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up to the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bellringer's job. The bishop was incredulous:

- You have no arms!

- No matter - said the man:

- Observe!

He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo…

What did the gynocologist say to his wife when he got home?

I'm Bushed!

From a little book called "Disorder in the Court". These are things that people actually said in court, word for word.

What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year.

What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

This myasthenia gravis--does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

How old is your son--the one living with you. A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years.

What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke…

A guy walks into a bar with his dog. They both go up to the barstool and sit down. The owner orders two beers. The bartendar just frowns and says:

- Look buddy, we can't have any dogs sitting up at the bar.

The owner retorts:

- But this is no ordinary dog.

The bartendar doesn't budge from his stance and tells the guy to leave.

The owner protests:

- Look, this is no ordinary dog. This is a talking dog.

The bartendar says:

- Yeah right buddy. Okay, why don't you and your talking dog leave the bar?

The owner says:

3 nurses go into the morgue, and there's a dead man's body lying there, with an erection.

The first nurse sees it, and says "I'm gagging for it", gets atop the man and has her way with it.

The second nurse says "Aye, so am I, shame to let it go to waste", and she does the same.

They turn to the 3rd nurse and ask her if she is having a go. She replies she is having her period, and declines. One of the nurses reply "He's dead anyway, he'll no bother". The last nurse agrees with this, gets on and does her thing too.

Just after she finishes, the dead man sits up. The nurses ask him "We thought you were dead!", and the man replies,"After two jump starts and a blood transfusion, you wouldn't be dead…

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Inventions by Blondes...1. The water-proof towel2. Glow in the dark sunglasses3. Solar powered flashlights 4. Submarine screen doors 5. A book on how to read 6. Inflatable dart boards 7. A dictionary index 8. Mechanical Pencil sharpeners 9. Powdered water 10. Pedal-powered wheel chairs 11. Waterproof tea bags 12. Watermelon seed sorter13. Zero proof alcohol 14. Reuseable ice cubes 15. See-through toilet tissue16. Skinless bananas 17. Do-it-yourself road map 18. Turnip ice cream 19. Toe implants 20. An all white flag21. Rolls Royce pickup truck 22. Helicopter Ejector Seat

A young Catholic priest decided to enter a monastery. He joined one particularly strict sect. The head monk told him, at his indoctrination, that they were sworn to TOTAL silence. They could not speak one word at all. However, every ten years, they would be permitted to speak two words.

After 10 years of total silence, the head monk indicated it was now time for him to speak his two words. The monk said:

- Bed hard!

And then he resumed his silent study and work.

Another 10 years passed and the head monk again indicated it was time for him to speak his two words. The monk said:

- Food bad!

And then he resumed his silent study and work.

Another 10 years passed and the head monk again indicated it…

An 80-year-old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling:

- I've never been better! - he replies.

- I've got an 18-year-old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?

The doctor considers this for a moment, then says:

- Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun.

So he's in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appears in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the bear, and squeezes the handle. The bear drops dead in front of him, suffering from a bullet wound in its chest.

A man walks into a bar with his pet crocodile, the bartender screams and demands he get the man eating creature out of there!

The man tries to calm the bartender down and says he is very well trained to prove it the man whipped out his cock and put it in the crocodile's mouth, then he hit the crocodile over the head and after a few good smacks he pulls it out and shows the bar tender:

- Look, no marks.

The bartender is still unsure so the man asks...

- Would anyone else like to try?

The bar is quiet and a few minutes later a blonde in the corner stands up and says...

- I will but don't smack me on the head!

What is Green, Slimy, and Smells like Pork?
→ Kermit's Dick

In downtown Roanoke, at a crowded bus stop, a good friend of mine was waiting for her bus. She's very attractive and was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't!

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted:

- Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!

The shopkeeper said:

- By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home when he spots the young woman standing waist…

A man was on his first business trip to Japan, and he decided to check out the local Whore House. He walked in and was assigned a young girl with a body that got him "up" immediately. As soon as they reached the room, he started ripping her clothes off and going to town.

Moaning and grunting, the girl was screaming in Japanese:

- Wasukima! Wasukima!

He was sure that she was praising him for his good job, so he kept going harder than ever.

Later, he went golfing with his boss and a few clients.

As the clients were Japanese, he decided to impress them with his new knowledge of their language. When one of them got a hole in one, he raised his arms and shouted:

- Wasukima!

Yo mamma's so fat the cops had to use "The Jaws of life" to get her INTO her car!

What do you call a Sleeping Bull?
→ A Bull-Dozer!

Ha ha ha, very funny Scottie....

NOW BEAM DOWN MY CLOTHES!!

Why didn't the mouse cross the road?
→ It's cord wasn't long enough!

Three blondes were walking through the woods when they came upon a set of tracks.

- Looks like deer tracks - said one blonde.

- No, it looks like maybe a cow track - another blonde suggested.

- Actually, I think they are just dog tracks - the third blonde offered.

They were still arguing when the train hit them!

2 psychologists met each other in a street one day.

One said to the other:

- You're good today, how am I?

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
→ One in a million become a human being.