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Did You her Bill Cliton tried to kill himself? Yea he try to O.D. on Viagra and beat himself to death!

An old woman walks into a drug store and asks the young man behind the counter if they sell extra large condoms. The clerk looks at the woman quizzically, but shrugs and tells her:

- yes, we do.

They're right here behind the counter.

The old woman thanks the clerk and stands there, and stands there, and stands there.

The clerk asks the old woman:

- is there something else I can help you with, Ma'am?.

The woman smiles sweetly at the clerk and says:

- no, thank you, son.

I'm just waiting here to see who buys them.

A blonde and brunette were walking down the road.

The brunette see's her husband, and he is carrying flowers.

The brunette says to the blonde:

- now I'm going to half to spread my legs! - and the blonde says:

- why? don't you have a vase?

There was a blonde whose house was on fire. She called the fire department and asked them to come put it out. When they asked how to get to her house, and she rolled her eyes and said... "Duh, use the big red truck!"

What do you get when you put a Gay guy and a dinosaur together?
→ > A MegasaurASS

Why did the fish Blush?

Because it saw the ocean's bottom.

A new priest is being given instructions on what to do when he takes confession. The older priest tells the new man, for things like stealing, give 5 hail mary's, and for sleeping with the neighbours, 10 hail mary's.

So the new priest is taking confession one day. The first man in tells the priest he slept with the woman next door. The priest tells him to do 10 hail mary's and he's on his way.

The next man in, confesses to having a wank behind a bush. Somewhat puzzled, the priest steps out of the confessional box and asks two passing alter boys what the "old man" gives for a wank behind a bush.

The two boys reply:

- A can of Coke and a Mars Bar.

Microsoft announced today that the official release date for the new operating system "Windows 2000" will be delayed until the second quarter of1901.

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him.

Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled:

- Just what the hell you are doing?!

- Well - said the guy - you see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!

- That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard! - the guy replied.

- I work for the IRS. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?

1. You can name everyone you graduated with2. You get a whiff of manure and think of home3. You know what 4-H is4. You ever went to "headlight parties"5. You used to drag "main"6. You said the 'f' word and your parents knew within the hour7. You schedule parties around the schedule of different police officers, since you know which ones will bust you and which ones won't8. You ever went cow-tipping9. You have ever partied with a guy who is 25, has no job, but is the 'buyer' for all of the best parties10. You have parties at the same guy's house12. School gets cancelled for state sporting events13. The town social events are their children's14. You could never buy cigarettes because all the…

Poland's worst air disaster occurred today when a two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery late this morning in central Poland.

Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

I will not roll my toys behind the fridge. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house. I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.

I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.

I will not throw up in the car. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. "Kitty box crunchies" are not food.

I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.

Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health one asked how the other's husband was doing.

- Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!

- Oh dear! I'm very sorry - replied her friend:

- What did you do?

- Opened a can of peas instead!

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant:

- What was the problem?

- The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine - he explained...

- It took us awhile to find a new pilot.

What is the difference between a good Lawyer and a great Lawyer?
→ A good Lawyer knows the law and a great Lawyer knows the Judge!!!

Innkeeper: The room is $15 a night. It's $5 if you'll make your own bed.

Guest: I'll make my own bed.

Innkeeper: Good. I'll get you some nails and wood.

Sign seen in a bar:"Those drinking to forget please pay in advance."

The Secret Service got a real scare the other day when someone threw a beer at Bill Clinton during his morning jog.

Fortunately, it was a draft, so he was able to dodge it.

How do you change a dishwasher into a snow blower? Give her a shovel!

When you're having a bad day and it seems like people are trying to piss you off, just remember: it takes 42 muscles to frown, and only 4 to pull the trigger of a decent sniper rifle.

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speaches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.

The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

- Well - he explained - By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started Ladies and Gentlemen.

On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one better than that English bastard and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head…

What is the best form of Birth ControlAnswer: Marriage

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.

In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

- Who is it? - calls one of the nuns.

- Blind man - replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, so they open the door.

- Nice butt, sister - says the man:

- where do you want these blinds?

~WHAT DO YOU CALL A SPICE GIRL WITH TWO BRAIN CELLS? PREGNANT~WHAT DO YOU CALL A SPICE GIRL BEHIND A STEERING WHEEL? AN AIRBAG~WHAT DO YOU SEE WHEN YOU LOOK INTO A SPICE GIRLS EYES? THE BACK OF HER HEAD

When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session:

- I'm not aware of your problem - the doctor said.

- So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning.

- Of course - replied the patient...

- In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth...