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Why did the Siamese twins move to England?
→ So the other one could drive.

A father and son live on a farm. One day the father says:

- Son, things haven't been going very well and I'm afraid we'll have to sell your duck. I'm really sorry, but we need the money. I want you to take the duck to town and bring back the money.

So the son takes the duck and sets off down the road. Halfway to town he runs into a hooker. She says:

- Hey kid, I could show you a really good time if you're interested.

He replies:

- I'd sure like to, but all I have to pay with is this duck.

- Well, - she says, maybe we can work something out.

So they go off into the bushes and the branches are snapping and feathers flying.....

When they come out, she is breathless and says:

One day, Superman was flying across the sky, and he notices Wonderwoman lying asleep, but STARK NAKED on a beach blanket. So.. he decided to go down & get some.

So after he had done the deed, he flew away. Then Wonderwoman got up and said:

- What was THAT?

And the invisible man said:

- I don't know... but my butt sure hurts.

There were two guys sitting in a plane. The one guy says lets play a game, I'll ask you a question if you get it right I give you 5 dollars.

So the other guy says fine if you get it right, I give you 50 dollars, if you get it wrong you give me 5.

The guy says ok.

He asks him what his name was the guy didn't know it so he payed him 5 dollars.

So the other guy asks what goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes down with 4.

He thinks and thinks but doesn't know so he pays him 50 dollars.

He asks what does go up a hill with 3 legs and comes down with 4.

The guy hands him 5 dollars.

One day a little old nun was going 35 miles an hour down the highway. The cop pulled her over because she was so slow and asked her why she didn't go any faster.

She pointed at the sign that said highway 35 on it and said that was the speed limit. The cop corrected her and told her that it was highway 35.

The cop looked in the back and saw two scared nuns. He asked them what was wrong and they said:

- We just got off highway 130!

How did the dairy queen get pregnant?
→ The burger king showed her his whopper!!!

You Might Be A Redneck...

- If your dad walks u to school 'cause you're in the same grade!

- If u mow the grass and find the car!

- If someone comes to your house everyday thinking you're having a garage sale!

- If u sell the car 4 gas money!

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself being sized up by God....

- Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go.

- Well, what's the difference between the two? - Bill asks.

God says:

- I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision.

- Fine, but where should I go first?

- I'll leave that up to you.

- Okay, then, - says Bill.

- Let me try Hell first.

Why do blondes where underwear?
→ To keep their ankles warm.

Have u ever saw Stevie Wonders wife?
→ No
→ Neither has he.

What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
→ Frost-bite!

The perfect man, the perfect woman, and Santa Claus are in a car driving down the road and there is a fatal accident. There in only one survivor. Who is it?
→ The perfect woman - Santa Claus is made up and there's no such thing as the perfect man!

Two brunettes and a blonde are having lunch at a cafe, all three are pregnant. Through out the coversation the topic of sex and pregnancy comes up, finally culminating in each one discussing their respective fetus' and the manner of conception.

The first brunette says:

- I know I am going to have a boy because I was on top.

The second brunette says:

- I know I am going to have a girl because I was on the bottom.

The blonde is silent, she has a stricken look on her face, finally she bursts out:

- Oh my god, I'm going to have a puppy.

There was this not too bright scientist doing a study on how frogs respond to commands.

He tells a frog to jump. The frog jumps 30 feet. He writes in his log book, frog jumps 30 feet.

Then he cuts off one leg. He gives the same command to frog. It jumps 25 feet. In Log: Cut off one leg, frog jumps 5 less feet.

He cuts off another leg. Frog goes 20 feet. He records it in log book.

Then he cuts off the 3rd leg, commands frog to jump. Frog jumps 10 feet. He writes, cut off 3 legs and frog now jumps 10 less feet.

Finally, he cuts off the last leg and commands frog, JUMP! Frog doesn't move an inch. So the scientist writes in his book... Cut off all 4 legs and frog GOES DEAF!

A nude jogger was running past two old women.

One had a stroke, the other missed!

Ok, so a man walks into a bar in Denver and goes to the bartender:

- Give me ANYTHING BUT Coors!!

And the bartender is like:

- Dude, this is Colorado, we ONLY sell Coors here!

And the man is like:

- But I have to drink something OTHER than Coors!! See, last night I drank a case of Coors, and I blew chunks!!

And the bartender says:

- Man, anyone who drank a case of ANY BEER would blow chunks!!

And the man replies:

- No, you don't understand, Chunks is my dog!

How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ What's a light bulb?

How do you spell relief?
→ F A R T

Hit Television Shows in Iraq:

- "Husseinfeld"

- "Mad About Everything"

- "U.S. Military Secrets Revealed"

- "Suddenly Sanctions"

- "Allah McBeal"

- "Children Are Forbidden From Saying Anything Darndest"

- "Matima Loves Chachi"

- "The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show"

- "Buffy The Slayer of Yankee Imperialist Dogs"

What did the hurricane say to the coconut?
→ Hold on to your nuts, it's going to be a hell of a blow job!

What's the difference between a duck?
→ One of it's legs is both the same. (just say it to confuse people)

Why God Doesn't Have a PhD:

1. He has only one major publication.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn't published in a referred journal.
5. Some even doubt he wrote it himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been very limited.
8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
9. He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects.

A blonde dies and goes to the pearly gates of heaven to meet Saint Peter...

He first tells her that the only way she can get through the gate is to pass a quite simple test.

- What is The Son Of God's name? - he asks.

She thinks for a minute, rubbing her chin in deep thought.

- Andy! - she bursts out with a gleaming smile.

- No, I'm sorry that is incorrect, what made you say that? - he asks.

She starts singing...

- Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, andy tells me...

This Zen Buddhist Monk walks up to a hotdog stand and says to the vender:

- Give me one with everything.

So the vender makes him a hotdog with everything, hands it to the Buddhist Monk.

The Buddhist gives him a twenty dollar bill, the vender takes it, puts it in his cash register and shuts the door.

The Buddhist says:

- Wait, where's my change?

The vender replies:

- Change must come from within.

Uh...top 10 things not to say to a naked man:

10. Awww...that's cute
11. Well, at least you're good at other things
12. Do you think it'll fit in my old Barbie clothes?
13. My li'l brother has one like that.
14. Are you cold?
15. ::giggles::
16. Maybe we should just be friends
17. Can you make it dance?
18. Umm...maybe you should get dressed