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Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day were led down to the room in which they would meet their maker. The priest had given the last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants. The Warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked:

- Son, do you have a last request?

To which the man replied:

- Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play The Macarena for me one last time?

- Certainly, - replied the warden.

He turned to the other man and asked:

- Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?

- Please, - said the condemned man, - kill me first.

A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed.

- Have you any last requests? - asked the chaplain.

- Yes, - replied the murderer.

- Will you hold my hand?

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community.... and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top which he had…

A cowboy and a biker are on death row, and are to be executed on the same day. The day comes, and they are brought to the gas chamber. The warden asks the cowboy if he has a last request, to which the cowboy replies:

- Ah shore do, wardn. Ah'd be mighty grateful if'n yoo'd play 'Achy Breaky Heart' fur me bahfore ah hafta go.

- Sure enough, cowboy, we can do that, - says the warden.

He turns to the biker:

- And you, biker, what's your last request?

- That you kill me first.

- Teacher: When do astronauts eat?

- Pupil: At launch time!

The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions.

- Ever have an accident?

- Nope, nary a one.

- None? You've never had any accidents.

- Nope. Ain't never had one. Never.

- Well, you said on this form you were bit by a snake once. Wouldn't you consider that an accident?

- Heck, no. That dang varmint bit me on purpose.

Three cowboys were hanging out in the bunkhouse.

- I know that smart aleck Tex, - said the first.

- He's going to start bragging about that new foreign car he bought as soon as he gets back.

- Not Tex, - the second cowboy replied.

- He'll always be just a good ol' boy. When he walks in, I'm sure all he'll say is hello.

- I know Tex better than either of you, - said the third.

- He's so smart, he'll figure out a way to do both. Here he comes now.

Tex swung open the bunkhouse door and shouted:

- Audi, partners!

The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the cowboy:

- Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat.

The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient.

- Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager.

The cowboy just groaned.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked:

- All right buddy, what's you're name?

- Sam, - the cowboy moaned.

A man climbed over a fence into a field to pick some flowers. He noticed a bull nearby.

- Say, farmer. Is that bull safe?

- Well, he's a lot safer than you are right now!

Why do cows wear bells around their necks?
→ Because their horns don't work.

- Camper: Look at that bunch of cows.

- Farmer: Not bunch, herd.

- Camper: Heard what?

- Farmer: Of cows.

- Camper: Sure I've heard of cows.

- Farmer: No, I mean a cowherd.

- Camper: So what? I have no secrets from cows!

What did the farmer call the cow that would not give him any milk?
→ An udder failure!

What do you call cattle with a sense of humor?
→ Laughing stock.

What does the N on the Nebraska football helmet stand for?
→ "Nowledge."

How do you know a Brigham Young student's been mowing the lawn?
→ The welcome mat is destroyed.

Why do University of Arkansas graduates tape their diplomas to the windshields of their cars?
→ So they can park in handicapped spaces.

- Teenage Driver: But, officer, I'm a college man.

- Policeman: Sorry, but ignorance is no excuse.

An applicant was being interviewed for admission to a prominent medical school.

- Tell me, - inquired the interviewer, - where do you expect to be ten years from now?

- Well, let's see, - replied the student.

- It's Wednesday afternoon. I guess I'll be on the golf course by now.

How can you tell Bill Clinton apart from a cow?
→ By the wise look in the eyes.

Saddam Hussein calls President Clinton and tells him:

- Bill, I had a wonderful dream last night. I could see America, the whole beautiful country, and on each house I saw a banner.

- What did it say on the banners? - Clinton asks.

Saddam replies:

- Allah is god, god is Allah.

Clinton says:

- You know, Saddam, I am really happy you called. Last night I had a similar dream. I could see all of Baghdad, and it was more beautiful than ever. It had been rebuilt completely, and on each house flew an enormous banner.

- What could you see on the banners? - Saddam asks.

Clinton replies:

- I don't know. I can't read Hebrew.

What is the difference between Dan Quayle, Bill Clinton and Jane Fonda?
→ Jane Fonda went to Vietnam.

What's the difference between Hillary Clinton and a pit bull?
→ The pit bull doesn't carry a briefcase.

How does Bill Clinton say "I'm about to hurt you"?
→ "Trust me."

What do you get if you cross an apple with a Christmas tree?
→ A pineapple!

Why is a burning candle like being thirsty?
→ Because a little water ends both of them!