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During an army basic training, the lieutenant took the batch on a match and asked each of them where home was.
After everyone had answered, he sneered and said:

- you are all wrong, the army is now your home.

Back at the barracks, he read the evening duties, then asked the first sergeant if he had anything to say:

- you bet I do - the sergeant replied.

- men, while you were gone today, I found beds improperly made, clothes not hanging correctly, shoes not shined and footlockers a mess.

Where do you think you are? Home?

A retired sergeant was asked:

- Well, how do you like civilian life?

- Terrible - he said gruffly.

- all those people around and nobody in charge!

General Heath, a famous lover of parade music and marching drill ceremonies, once listened to a symphonic orchestra playing.
When asked about his impressions, he commented:

- No military precision in drill...

- Why?

- Did you see those violin players? They were moving their bows not in cadence.

What is the difference between a psychiatrist and a psychologist?
→ If you say to a psychiatrist "I hate my mother," he will ask "Why do you say that?" while a psychologist will say "Thank you for sharing that with us."

A psychologist is at a party talking with a small group of people, when a man comes up behind him and taps him on the shoulder. The psychologist turns around and the man hauls off and decks him. The psychologist gets up, brushes himself off, turns to the group and declares: "That's his problem."

A young woman took her troubles to a psychiatrist.

- Doctor, you must help me - she pleaded.

- It's gotten so that every time I date a nice guy, I end up in bed with him.

And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week.

- I see - nodded the psychiatrist.

- And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter.

- For God's sake, NO! - exclaimed the woman.

- I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward.

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

- You all have obsessions - he observed.

To the first mother he said:

- You are obsessed with eating. You even named your daughter Candy.

He turned to the second mom.

- Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.

He turned to the third mom.

- Your obsession is alcohol and your child's name is Brandy.

At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered:

- Come on sweety, let's go home.

Psychiatrist to Internal Revenue agent on couch: "Nonsense! No way does everyone in the world hate you -- everyone in the US perhaps, but certainly not everyone in the world."

Men are like government bonds.

They take so long to mature.

Men are like bike helmets.

They are handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.

Men are like mascara.

They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like placemats.

They only show up when there's food on the table.

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

- Oh my, I am so sorry - the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

- Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you.

They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterwards, the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place and stay for breakfast the next morning.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

Four married guys go golfing on Sunday.
During the 3rd hole the following conversation ensued:

- First Guy: Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.

- Second Guy: That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.

- Third Guy: Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.

They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him:

- You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft the skin from her body, so the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor found suitable would have to come from his rear end.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret.
After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about…

A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

- What's up? - he says.

- I'm having a heart attack - cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialling. his four-year-old son comes up and says:

- Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your wardrobe and he's got no clothes on!

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife and rips open the wardrobe door.

Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.

- You jerk - yells the husband.

A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business started going bust and he found himself in serious financial trouble. He was so desperate that he decided to pray for help.

- Oh Lord, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto

Lotto night arrived and somebody else won the prize.

Joe again looked up and prayed...

- Oh Lord, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well

Again, Lotto night came and went and Joe still had no luck.

Once again, he prayed...

- Oh, Lord, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house and my car. My wife and…

One day, the wife comes home with a spectacular diamond ring.

- Where did you get that ring? - her husband asks.

- Well - she replies.

- my boss and I played the lotto and we won, so I bought it with my share of the winnings.

A week later, his wife comes home with a long shiny fur coat.

- Where did you get that coat? - her husband asks.

She replies:

- My boss and played the lotto and we won again, so I bought it with my share of the winnings.

Another week later, his wife comes home, driving in a red Ferrari.

- Where did you get that car? - her husband asks.

Have you ever seen a duchess?
→ Yes - it's the same as an English "s"

Why is the letter "t" so important to a stick insect?
→ Without it would be a sick insect.

Which two letters are rotten for your teeth?
→ D K

- Are you writing a thank you letter to Grandma like I told you to?

- Yes Mom.

- Your handwriting seems very large.

- Well, Grandma's very deaf, so I'm writing very loudly.

Crazy Aunt Maud received a letter one morning, and upon reading it burst into floods of tears.

- What's the matter? - asked her companion.

- Oh dear - sobbed Auntie.

- It's my favorite nephew. He's got three feet.

- Three feet? - exclaimed her friend.

- Surely that's not possible?

- Well - said Auntie.

- his mother's just written to tell me he's grown another foot !