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Two musicians are walking down the street, and one says to the other:

- Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?

→ The other replies:

- That was no piccolo, that was my fife.

How do you get 2 piccolos to play a perfect unison?
→ Shoot one.

What do you use to tie saplings to a piano so the saplings won't blow away?
→ Root position cords.

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
→ A flat minor.

How many Union Lighting Technicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ It's not a bulb, it's a globe.

How many grips does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ Two: One to hold it, one to hammer it in.

How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ 100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say:

- I could've done that.

How many film directors does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Just one, but he wants to do it thirty-two times and when he's done, everyone says that his last light bulb was much better.

A movie producer is lying by the pool at the Beverly Hilton. His partner arrives in a great state of excitement.

- How'd the meeting go? - asks the first guy.

- It went great - says his buddy.

- Tarentino will write and direct for six million, Mel Gibson will star for eight, and we can bring in the whole picture for under fifty million.

- Fabulous - says the guy by the pool.

- There's just one catch - his partner warns.

- What's the catch?

- We have to put up ten thousand in cash.

Why do mice have long tails ?
→ Well, they'd look silly with long hair !

What kind of musical instrument do mice play?
→ A mouse organ !

What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat ?
→ 'Here Kitty, kitty, kitty' !

What do mice do when they're at home ?
→ Mousework !

One lab mouse to another:

- I've trained that crazy human at last.

- How have you done that?

- I don't know how, but every time I run through that maze and ring the bell, he gives me a piece of cheese.

How did Frankenstein's monster eat his lunch?
→ He bolted it down.

What did one of Frankenstein's ears say to the other?
→ I didn't know we lived on the same block.

How does Frankenstein sit in his chair?
→ Bolt upright.

Did you hear about the monster who went to a holiday camp?
→ He won the ugly mug and knobbly knees competition and he wasn't even entered.

What brings the monster's babies?
→ The Frankenstork.

- Can I borrow that book of yours How To Become A Millionaire?

- Sure. Here you are.

- Thanks - but half the pages are missing.

- What's the matter? Isn't half a million enough for you?

What do you get if you cross a sorceress with a millionaire?
→ A very witch person.

A couple was having a discussion about what to see and do now that they were safely in Florida on their honeymoon.

Trying to assert himself rite off the bat, he exploded:

- If it weren't for my money, we wouldn't be here at all!

The wife replied:

- My dear, if it weren't for your money, not only would we not be in Florida, we wouldn't on a honeymoon, nor would there be any "we" in the first place.

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100.

When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill, as this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00, and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord. It said:

Dear Lord, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and as…

A man being mugged by two thugs put up a tremendous fight! Finally, the thugs subdued him and took his wallet. Upon finding only two dollars in the wallet, the surprised thug said:

- Why did you put up such a fight?

To which the man promptly replied:

- I was afraid that you would find the $200 hidden in my shoe!

There was this General-in-training, and his superioirs were asking him questions:

- What happened on June 6, 1944?

- We stormed the beach at Normandy, which later became known as D-Day, sir!

- What was the turining point of wordl war 2?

- Battle of the bulge, sir!

- What's is the importance of May 12

The Man thought and thought:

- I don't know, sir!

The superior then said:

- Well, I'll tell your wife that you forgot her birhtday