Latest

A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November evening and was at home with his wife.

- You just won't believe what happened this evening , in all my years on the force I've never seen anything like it.

- Oh yes dear, what happened ?

- I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks.

- Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!! What did you do with them ?

- Oh that was easy, I charged one and let the other off.

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says:

- Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?

The man gets really indignant and says:

- Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?

Driving to work, a gentlman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policmen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.

- I'm sorry sir - the first trooper told the driver - but I am still going to have to write you a ticket.

Amazed, the driver asked for what.

The trooper replied:

- Tacks evasion.

The Boston taxi driver backed into the stationary fruit stall and within seconds he had a cop beside him.

- Name?

- Brendan O'Connor.

- Same as mine. Where are you from?

- County Cork.

- Same as me......

The policeman paused with his pen in the air.

- Hold on a moment and I'll come back and talk about the old county. I want to say something to this fella that ran into the back of your cab.

When toasting the holidays, Republicans ask for eggnog or mulled wine.
Democrats ask for a "Bud."

Democrats let their kids open all the gifts on Christmas Eve.
Republicans make their kids wait until Christmas morning.

Democrats get back at the Republicans on their Christmas list by giving them fruitcakes.
Republicans re-wrap them and send them to in-laws.

Republicans help the poor during the holidays by sending 50, one buck at a time, to panhandlers on the street.

Republicans say:

- Merry Christmas!

Democrats say:

- Happy Holidays!

- All our pigs are learning karate.

- Oh, I don't believe that

- No? Well, just watch out for their chops.

A pig's favorite movie:
The Monster That Ate New York.

A city child came running into the farmhouse.

- No wonder that mama pig is so big - she yelled.

- There's a bunch of little pigs out there blowing her up!

What do you call a pig with three eyes?
→ A piiig

Why did the pig go to the casino ?
→ To play the slop machine !

The man passed out in a dead faint as he came out of his front door onto the porch.

Someone dialed 911.

When the paramedics arrived, they helped him regain consciousness and asked if he knew what caused him to faint.

- It was enough to make anybody faint - he said.

- My son asked me for the keys to the garage, and instead of driving the car out, he came out with the lawn mower.

A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit, the wife being pregnant with their first child.

After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink.

The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the husband got out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was.

In very tiny letters, the stamp said:

- When you can read this, come back and see me.

A man speaks frantically into the phone:

- My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!

- Is this her first child? - the doctor queries.

- No, you idiot! - the man shouts.

- This is her husband!

With four daughters and one son always dashing to school activities and part-time jobs, our schedule was hectic.

To add to this, we kept running out of household supplies.

I instructed them all to let me know when they used the last of any item by writing it down on a note pad on the refrigerator.

As a reminder, I wrote at the top:

- IF WE ARE OUT OF IT, WRITE IT DOWN.

When I checked the pad a few days later, to my delight I found the following message:

- MOM, YOU MAY BE A BIT OLD-FASHIONED, BUT YOU ARE NOT 'OUT OF IT.'

Murphy said to his daughter:

- I want you home by eleven o'clock.

She said:

- But Father, I'm no longer a child!

He said:

- I know, that's why I want you home by eleven.

For the first time in many years, a an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie.
After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn.

Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn't help but comment:

- The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents.

- Well, sir - the attendant replied with a grin.

- You're really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now..

An old man visits his doctor and after thorough examination the doctor tells him:

- I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?

- Patient: Well, give me the bad news first.

- Doctor: You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left.

- Patient: OH NO! That's awefull! In two years my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this???

- Doctor: You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you.

Three old ladies met on the street on a very stormy day. The wind was so strong and loud that they had difficulty in hearing each other.

- It's windy - said one.

- No, it's Thursday - said the next.

- So am I - said the third.

- Let's go and have a drink!

An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice:

- I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the car, scumbags !

The four men didn't wait for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver's seat.

She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther…

Why did the old lady put wheels on her rocking chair?
→ She wanted to rock and roll

What is the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw?
→ It's all in the grip.