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- Teacher: Where is your homework?

- Pupil: I lost it fighting this kid who said you weren't the best teacher in the school

- Teacher: Why does the statue of liberty stand in New York harbour?

- Pupil: Because it can't sit down!

- Teacher: Who can tell me where Hadrians Wall is?

- Pupil: I expect it's around Hadrian's garden miss!

- Teacher: What's 2 and 2?

- Pupil: 4

- Teacher: That's good.

- Pupil: Good?, that's perfect!

A software manager, a hardware manager, and a marketing manager are driving to a meeting when a tire blows.
They get out of the car and look at the problem.

The software manager says:

- I can't do anything about this - it's a hardware problem.

The hardware manager says:

- Maybe if we turned the car off and on again, it would fix itself.

The marketing manager says:

- Hey, 75% of it is working - let's ship it!

Two shoe salespeople were sent to Africa to open up new markets. Three days after arriving, one salesperson called the office and said:

- I'm returning on the next flight. Can't sell shoes here. Everybody goes barefoot.

At the same time the other salesperson sent an email to the factory, telling:

- The prospects are unlimited. Nobody wears shoes here!

A salesman was demonstrating unbreakable combs in a department store. He was impressing the people who stopped by to look by putting the comb through all sorts of torture and stress.

Finally to impress even the skeptics in the crowd, he bent the comb completely in half, and it snapped with a loud crack.
Without missing a beat, he bravely held up both halves of the 'unbreakable' comb for everyone to see and said:

- And this, ladies and gentlemen, is what an unbreakable comb looks like on the inside.

How do salespeople traditionally greet each other?
→ Hi. Nice to meet you. I'm better than you.

A salesman walking along the beach found a bottle. When he rubbed it, lo and behold, a genie appeared.

- I will grant you three wishes - announced the genie.

- But since Satan still hates me, for every wish you make, your rival gets the wish as well -- only double.

The salesman thought about this for a while.

- For my first wish, I would like ten million dollars - he announced.

Instantly the genie gave him a Swiss bank account number and assured the man that $10,000,000 had been deposited.

- But your rival has just received $20,000,000 - the genie said.

- I've always wanted a Ferrari - the salesman said.

Instantly a Ferrari appeared.

- But your rival has just received two Ferraris - the genie said.

Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon?
→ Great food but no atmosphere.

- What flavors of ice cream do you have? - inquired the customer.

- Vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate - answered the new waitress in a hoarse whisper.

Trying to be sympathetic, the customer asked:

- Do you have laryngitis?

- No.... - replied the new waitress with some effort - just...erm.... vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate.

Two men were in a restaurant and ordered fish. The waiter brought a dish with two fish, one larger than the other. One of the men said to the other, "Please help yourself." The other one said "Okay", and helped himself to the larger fish. After a tense silence, the first one said, "really, now, if you had offered me the first choice, I would have taken the smaller fish!" The other one replied, "What are you complaining for; you have it, don't you?"

Three couples are dining together.
The American husband says to his wife:

- Pass me the honey, Honey.

The English husband says to his wife:

- Pass me the sugar, Sugar.

The [you name it] husband says to his wife:

- Pass me the steak, Dumb cow.

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts:

- Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!

The panda yells back at the manager:

- Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!

The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda:

- A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.

A Jewish guy called Jacob finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help.
He goes into the synagogue and begins to pray:

- God, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto.

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.

Jacob goes back to the synagogue.

- God, please let me win the lotto, I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well.

Lotto night comes and Jacob still has no luck!!

Back to the synagogue.

- My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my…

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him.

The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.

The rabbi comes, and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes, a woman comes in and says:

- Father, forgive me for I have sinned.

The priest asks:

- What did you do?

The woman says:

- I committed adultery.

The priest says:

- How many times?

Old Mrs. Watkins awoke one spring morning to find that the river had flooded the entire first floor of her house. Looking out of her window, she saw that the water was still rising.

Two men passing by on a rowboat shouted up an invitation to row to safety with them.

- No, thank you - Mrs. Watkins replied.

- The Lord will provide.

The men shrugged and rowed on.

By evening, the water level forced Mrs. Watkins to climb on top of the roof for safety. She was spotted by a man in a motorboat, who offered to pick her up.

- Don't trouble yourself - she told him.

- The Lord will provide.

Pretty soon, Mrs. Watkins had to seek refuge atop the chimney. When a Red Cross cutter came by on patrol, she waved it…

A little girl spoke to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it is a very large mammal, its throat is very small.

The little girl said:

- But how can that be? Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human.

- It is physically impossible! - she said.

Undaunted, the little girl said:

- Well, when I get to heaven I will ask Jonah.

To this, the teacher said:

- What if Jonah went to hell?

A local priest and pastor stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that said:

- The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!

They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.

- Leave us alone you religious nuts! - yelled the first driver as he sped by.

From around the curve they heard a big splash.

- Do you think - said one clergy to the other - we should just put up a sign that says 'bridge out' instead?

Did you hear about the pub owner who raised a baby rabbit?
→ It was an inn-grown hare!

Did you hear about the egg laden rabbit who jumps off bridges?
→ He's the Easter Bungee!

Did you hear about the rabbit who got a job in a watch factory?
→ Alike did was stand around making faces.

- Baby Rabbit: Mommy, where did I come from?

- Mother Rabbit: I'll tell you when you're older.

- Baby Rabbit: Oh, Mommy, please, tell me now.

- Mother Rabbit: If you must know, you were pulled from a magician's hat.

A bumble bee was chasing a rabbit. Finally the bee turned around and flew away. Why?
→ The rabbit had two b's already.

A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102.

Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old.

The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.

The old-timer says:

- Look at me. I'm old and worn out.

- You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley.

- I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France.

The new man asked:

- What happened?

- One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!