Latest

Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry."

- Hans Olaffsen? - he muses.

- How in hell does that fit in here?

So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter.

The tourist asks:

- How did this place get a name like 'Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?'

The old man answers:

- Is name of owner.

The tourist asks:

- Well, who and where is the owner?

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old. The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road.

- I can't stand this - said the man tossing the can in a trash container and heading down the road toward the men.

- Hold it, hold it - he said to the men.

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry.

A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

- I feel terrible - he explained.

- I accidently hit this rabbit and killed it.

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation.
He wrote:

- I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said:

- I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls.

I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you…

What is a vampire's favourite soup?
→ Scream of mushroom!

When the picture of the vampire's grandmother crashed to the floor in the middle of the night what did it mean?
→ That the nail had come out of the wall.

What is Dracula's favorite fruit?
→ Neck-tarines.

Did you hear about the vampire who had an eye for the ladies?
→ He used to keep it in his back pocket.

Why did the vampire attack the clown?
→ He wanted the circus to be in his blood.

What time is it when you sit on a pin?
→ Spring time.

What did the Loch Ness Monster say to his friend?
→ Long time no sea.

How can you tell when witches are carrying a time bomb?
→ You can hear their brooms tick!

A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to, and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city's major jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place.

- Yes?

- Excuse me, sir - the jogger said.

- Do you have the time?

The man looked at the car clock and answered:

- 8:15.

The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger.

A blonde asked someone what time it was, and they told her it was 4:45. The blonde, with a puzzled look on her face replied:

- You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer.

At three o'clock one morning a veterinary surgeon was woken from a deep sleep by the ringing of his telephone. He staggered downstairs and answered the phone. "I'm sorry if I woke you," said a voice at the other end of the line. "That's all right," said the vet, "I had to get up to answer the telephone anyway."

- Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a telephone.

- Doctor: Why's that?

- I keep getting calls in the night.

What do ghosts use to phone home?
→ A terror-phone.

What do you call an elephant in a phone box?
→ Stuck.

After my wife and her former best buddy, another Air Force wife, were separated by a move that posted one husband on the opposite coast, the telephone became their chief means of communication. When our phone bills showed astronomical increases, the other spouse and I sought relief. Since we both owned computers, we encourage our wives to use electronic mail.

Now they call on the phone to let each other know that e-mail was sent, then call back to confirm that it arrived and have a conversation about the contents!

A man coughed violently, and his false teeth shot across the room and smashed against the wall.

- Oh, dear - he said - whatever shall I do? I can't afford a new set.

- Don't worry - said his friend.

- I'll get a pair from my brother for you.

The next day the friend came back with the teeth, which fitted perfectly.

- This is wonderful - said the man.

- Your brother must be a very good dentist.

- Oh, he's not a dentist - replied the friend.

- he's an undertaker.

Why did the old lady cover her mouth with her hands when she sneezed?
→ To catch her false teeth.

What happened to the man who put his false teeth in backwards?
→ He ate himself!

What did the vampire call his false teeth?
→ A new fangled device.

- Fan: I've always admired you. Are your teeth your own?

- Actor: Whose do you think they are?

The young lad had applied for a job, and was asked his full name.

- Aloysius Montmorency Geoghan - he replied.

- How do you spell that? - asked the manager.

- Er — sir — er — can't you just put it down without spelling it?