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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
→ The dog. He'll shut up once you let him in.

How do you fix a woman's watch?
→ It doesn't matter. There is a clock on the oven.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
→ She starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
→ It allows them to stand closer to the sink.

Why did the witch lose her way?
→ Because her hat was pointing in the wrong direction.

What happened to the witch with an upside down nose?
→ Every time she sneezed her hat blew off.

How do warty witches keep their hair out of place?
→ With scare spray.

Did you hear about the witch who was ashamed of her long black hair?
→ She always wore long gloves to cover it up.

What do witches ring for in a hotel?
→ B-room service.

How do sheep keep warm in winter?
→ Central bleating!

What did Santa Claus's wife say during a thunderstorm?
→ 'Come and look at the rain, dear.'

- You never get anything right - complained the teacher.

- What kind of job do you think you'll get when you leave school?

- Well, I want to be the weather girl on TV.

Why did your sister cut a hole in her new umbrella?
→ Because she wanted to be able to tell when it stopped raining.

You're hiking around on Hampsted Heath (a park near London) at the end of a long sunny day. You run across (separately) the ghosts of Sir Winston Churchill, Sir Baden Powell, and Sir Edmund Hillary, who all give you directions to the nearest tube stop. Whom don't you believe? Your story teller, for there is no such thing as a completely sunny day in England.

Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The waiter became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!" The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.

- Waiter, waiter, do you have frog's legs?

- Certainly, Sir!

- Well hop over here and get me a sandwich!

- Waiter: Tea or coffee, gentlemen?

- 1st customer: I'll have tea.

- 2nd customer: Me, too - and be sure the glass is clean!

(Waiter exits, returns)

- Waiter: Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?

A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat.

- Are you crazy? - yelled the customer:

- with your hand on my steak?

- What - answers the waiter:

- You want it to fall on the floor again?

- Diner: Watch out! Your thumbs in my soup!

- Waiter: Don't worry, Sir, it's not that hot!

A vampire bat came flapping in from a night of foraging, covered in fresh blood. He parked himself on the cave's roof to get some sleep.
Soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to shut up and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

- OK, follow me.

He flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

- Do you see that tree over there?

- YES, YES, YES!! - the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

- Well I didn't!

There are bats hanging of a branch upside down, all except one. Two bats comment:

- What's happened to this one?

- I don't know, two minutes ago he seemed normal and then he fainted.

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her:

- Hey lady, you are really ugly.

Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her:

- Hey lady, you are really ugly.

She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said to her:

- Hey lady, you are really ugly.

The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied:

- That's not good - and promised he wouldn't say it again.

When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her:

What animal do you look like when you get into the bath?
→ A little bear!

What do you call a gigantic polar bear?
→ Nothing, you just run away!

During my stay at an expensive hotel in New York City, I woke up in the middle of the night with an upset stomach. I called room service and ordered some soda crackers.
When I looked at the charge slip, I was furious. I called room service and raged:

- I know I'm in a luxury hotel, but $11.50 for six crackers is ridiculous!

- The crackers are complimentary - the voice to the other end cooly explained.

- I believe you are complaining about your room number.