An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.
- Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night.
- Have you tried counting sheep?
- That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it.
A husband and wife entered the dentist's office. The husband said:
- I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible.
- You're a brave man - said the dentist.
- Now, show me which tooth it is.
The husband turns to his wife and says:
- Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear.
A little boy walked down the aisle at a wedding. As he made his way to the front, he would take two steps, then stop, and turn to the crowd, alternating between the bride's side and the groom's side. While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. And so it went-step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR-all the way down the aisle.
As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.
The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and he was near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.
When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed back his tears and said:
- I was being the ring bear.
YOUR SO BALD THAT WHEN YOU WHERE A TURTLENECK YOU LOOK LIKE A ROLL ON DEODORANT.
Why were ancient Egyptian children confused?
→ Because their daddies were mummies.
Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before takeoff a fat, little Israeli guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said:
- I think I'll go up and get a coke.
- No problem - said the Israeli.
- I'll get it for you.
While he was gone, the Arab picked up the Israeli's shoe and spit in it. When the Israeli returned with the coke, the other Arab said:
- That looks good. I think I'll have one too.
Again, the Israeli obligingly went to fetch it, and while he is gone the Arab other picked up the other shoe and…
A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
- Look at their reserve, their calm - muses the Brit.
- They must be British.
- Nonsense - the Frenchman disagrees.
- They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French.
- No clothes, no shelter - the Russian points out.
- they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian.
A Jewish guy called Jacob finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help.
He goes into the synagogue and begins to pray:
- God, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto.
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.
Jacob goes back to the synagogue.
- God, please let me win the lotto, I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well.
Lotto night comes and Jacob still has no luck!!
Back to the synagogue.
- My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my…
A minister gave a talk to the Lions Club on sex. When he got home, he couldn't tell his wife that he had spoken about sex, so he said he had discussed horseback riding with the members.
A few days later, she ran into some men at the shopping center and they complimented her on the speech her husband had made.
She said:
- Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the subject matter, as he's only tried it twice. The first time he got so sore he could hardly walk, and the second time he fell off.
A man went to work for a zoo veterinarian.
- Look in the lion's mouth - the vet told him.
- How do I do that? - he asked.
- Carefully - replied the vet.
Father and son standing outside the elephant's cage in the Moscow Zoo. Father tells son, "If we stand around here long enough, one of them will throw some food at us."
The manager of a large city zoo was drafting a letter to order a pair of animals. He sat at his computer and typed the following sentence:
- I would like to place an order for two mongooses, to be delivered at your earliest convenience.
He stared at the screen, focusing on that odd word mongooses. Then he deleted the word and added another, so that the sentence now read:
- I would like to place an order for two mongeese, to be delivered at your earliest convenience.
Again he stared at the screen, this time focusing on the new word, which seemed just as odd as the original one. Finally, he deleted the whole sentence and started all over.
- Everyone knows no full-stocked zoo should be without a…
One day the zookeeper noticed that the orang-utang was reading two books -- the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species.
In surprise he asked the ape:
- Why are you reading both those books?
- Well, - said the orang-utang, - I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother.
A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. He was out the next morning, just roaming around the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he go out. When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo:
- How high do you think they'll go?
- About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night! - said the kangaroo.
Yo mama so poor she was in K-Mart with a box of Hefty bags. I said, "What ya doin'?" She said, "Buying luggage."
Yo mama so poor your family ate cereal with a fork to save milk.
Yo mama so poor when I ring the doorbell she says, "DING!"
Yo mama so poor she can't afford to pay attention!
Yo mama so poor when I saw her kicking a can down the street, I asked her what she was doing, she said "Moving."
How many Aquarians does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ A hundred, but they'll all be competing to be the one to change the bulb and bring light to the world.
How many Aquarians does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ Well, you have to remember that everything is energy so...
How many Arians does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ Only one Arian, but an awful lot of light bulbs.
(smash)
How many Arians does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ None: Arians aren't afraid of the dark.
How many Arians does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ Just the one. You want to make something of it, eh?
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
→ A woman that won't do what she's told.
