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Why don't blind people skydive?
→ It scares the heck out of the dog.

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft the skin from her body, so the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor found suitable would have to come from his rear end.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret.
After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about…

One day there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it and the other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush so long.
The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the steam. All of a sudden the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend:

- My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran.

What do monkeys sing at Christmas?
→ Jungle Bells, Jungle bells..!

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says:

- I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.

- Is your bet still good? - asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

A drunk stammers out of a bar and runs into two priests. He runs up to them and says:

- I'm Jesus Christ.

The first priest says:

- No, son, I'm Jesus Christ.

So the drunk says it to the second priest.

The second priest replies:

- No, son, I'm Jesus Christ.

The drunk says:

- Look, I can prove it. - and walks back into the bar with the priests.

The bartender takes on look at the drunk and exclaims:

This guy goes to the zoo one day. While standing in front of the gorilla's cage, a gust of wind swept some dust into his eye. As he rubbed his eyelid, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the guy senseless.
When the guy came to his senses, he reported the incident to the zookeeper.
Nodding, the zookeeper explained that pulling down your eyelid means "F**k you!" in gorilla language. The explanation didn't make the victim feel any better and he vowed revenge.
The next day he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and over to the gorilla's cage, where he tossed a hat, a knife, and a…

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping:

- Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?

When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

- God Almighty! - shouted Mary, and the teacher said:

- Very good - and Mary fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary:

- Who is our Lord and Savior - but Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue, and stuck her again.

- Jesus Christ! - shouted Mary, and the teacher said:

- Very good - and Mary fell back asleep.

How do you know if a blonde has been sending e-mail?
→ You see a bunch of envelopes stuffed into the disk drive.

A couple decided that the only way to have a quickie while their ten-year-old son was in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and let him give a running report on what was going on in the neighbourhood. So the boy stood on the balcony and reported on everything that was happening. "A police car has just called at the Hamiltons' house, the Chandlers are taking delivery of a new wardrobe, and the Mitchell's are having sex." Hearing this, the boy's parents shot bolt upright. "How do you know the Mitchells are having sex?" "Because their kid is standing on the balcony too."

What does a woman's asshole do when she is having an orgasm?
→ He is usually home with the kids!

Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Do vampires get AIDS?

Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead and one's a blonde.

The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She says no and the executioner shouts:

- Ready! Aim!

Suddenly the brunette yells:

- EARTHQUAKE!!!

Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.

The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no and the executioner shouts:

- Ready! Aim!

Suddenly the redhead yells:

Yo Momma is so ugly that she scares blind people!!!!

- Mommy, all the kids at school say I'm a werewolf! Is that true?

- No, of course not. Now shut up and comb your face.

Why couldn't the alligator send e-mails on his PC?
→ Because it was on old croc.

Why doesn't the dinosaur cross the road anymore?
→ Because their eggs stink. (They're extinct)

What did the really ugly man do for a living?
→ He posed for Halloween masks.

Why are teachers happy at Halloween parties?
→ Because there's lots of school spirit!

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
→ She starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
→ It allows them to stand closer to the sink.

Three men: an editor, a photographer, and a journalist are covering a political convention in Miami.

They decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour.
Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says:

- Normally I would grant you three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant you each one wish.

The photographer went first.

- I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas with no money worries.

The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.

The journalist went next.

- I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean with no money…

A lawyer with insomnia consulted her doctor.

- Which side is it best to lie on? - she asked.

- The side that pays your fee - replied the doctor.