Dear God: Yesterday was an awful day for me...
My husband ran off with his secretary,
My son pierced his eyebrow,
My daughter tattooed the bald spot on her head,
My dog mated with the neighbors cat,
My neighbor sold her house to a mental institution,
My Mom told me I was adopted,
My Dad told me he's gay,
My boss told me I was laid off,
My sister was arrested for prostitution,
Young Judy, the editor of a trivia publication, was having trouble with her computer. So she called Prem, the computer guy, over to her desk. Prem clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, Judy called after him:
- So, what was wrong?
And he replied:
- It was an ID ten T error.
A puzzled expression ran riot over Judy's face.
- An ID ten T error? What's that ... in case I need to fix it again??
He gave her a grin... ;-)
- Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?
- No - replied Judy.
I overheard a woman in a computer store say to the sales assistant "I want a game capable of holding the interest of my six-year-old, but it's got to be simple enough for his father to play, too."
Yeltsin, Clinton and Bill Gates were invited to have dinner with God. During dinner he told them: I need three important people to send my message out to all the people:
- Tomorrow I will destroy the earth.
Yeltsin immediately called together his cabinet and told them:
- I have two really bad news items for you:
Clinton called an emergency meeting of the Senate and Congress and told them:
- I have good news and bad news:
How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ None, that's a hardware problem.
You have just received the "Kentucky Virus"!!!
As we ain't got no programin' experience, this here Virus works on the honor system.
Please delete all the files on your hard drive, and manually forward this virus to everyone on your mailing list.
Thanks for your cooperation.
How many Microsoft support staff does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Four. One to ask "What is the registration number of the light bulb?", one to ask "Have you tried rebooting it?", another to ask "Have you tried reinstalling it?" and the last one to say "It must be your hardware because the light bulb in our office works fine..."
How many Microsoft executives does it take to change a light bulb?
→ We can see no need for uninstallation and have therefore made no provision for light bulbs to be removed.
How many Bill Gateses does it take to change a light bulb?
→ One. He puts the bulb in and lets the world revolve around him.
A programmer was walking along the beach when he found a lamp.
Upon rubbing the lamp a genie appeared who stated:
- I am the most powerful genie in the world. I can grant you any wish you want, but only one wish.
The programmer pulled out a map of the Mediterranean area and said:
- I'd like there to be a just and last peace among the people in the middle east.
The genie responded:
- Gee, I don't know. Those people have been fighting since the beginning of time. I can do just about anything, but this is beyond my limits.
The programmer then said:
- Well, I am a programmer and my programs have a lot of users. Please make all the users satisfied with my programs, and let them ask sensible changes
Genie:
Dear Boss, I hope I haven't misunderstood your instructions. Because to be honest, boss, none of this Y to K dates problem makes any sense to me.
At any rate I have finished converting all the months on all the company calendars so that the year 2000 is ready to go with the following improved months:
Januark, Februark, Mak, Julk.
In addition, I have changed the days of the week, and they are now:
Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak and Saturdak.
Is it enough, or should I change any other Y to K? I am a fan of the New York Yankees. Should I call them New Kork Kankees in order to be Y2K ready?
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "great" he said:
- I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "great" he said:
- I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
If Bill Gates had a dime for every time a Windows box crashed...
Oh, wait a minute, he already does.
Do you know what a mice said when it saw a bat?
→ Mom! I see an angel.
- Will I ever be able to race my horse again - the owner asked the vet.
The vet replied:
- You certainly will, and you'll probably beat her too!
Does killing time damage eternity?
Why do you need a driver's licence to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
What is the pink stuff between elephant's toes?
→ Slow clowns.
A couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks:
- I'll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday.
Well, you can imagine her disappointment.
The next year, her birthday rolls around again and this time he doesn't get her anything.
She says:
- Why didn't you get me a birthday present!?
He replies:
- You didn't use what I got you last year!
After my wife and her former best buddy, another Air Force wife, were separated by a move that posted one husband on the opposite coast, the telephone became their chief means of communication. When our phone bills showed astronomical increases, the other spouse and I sought relief. Since we both owned computers, we encourage our wives to use electronic mail.
Now they call on the phone to let each other know that e-mail was sent, then call back to confirm that it arrived and have a conversation about the contents!
The desk sergeant answered the phone, and at once a woman began screaming. "You've got to help me! There's a giant gray thing in my yard, and it's pulling apples off the tree with its tail!" "What's he doing with the apples?" the sergeant asked. "If I told you," the woman cried, "you wouldn't believe me!"
An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says:
- We're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive
The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers:
- God Save The Queen - and jumps.
The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers:
- Viva La France - and he also jumps.
This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers:
- Remember the Alamo - and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.
Sherlock Holmes and Matthew Watson were on a camping and hiking trip. They had gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky. Holmes said:
- Watson, look up. What do you see?
- Well, I see thousands of stars.
- And what does that mean to you?
- Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?
- To me, it means someone has stolen our tent.
A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just looking around."
