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What happens if you cross a midget and a computer?
→ You get a short circut.

What does a proud computer call his little son?
→ A microchip off the old block.

A pilot, Michael Jordon, Bill Gates, the Pope, and a pizza delivery man were all in a plane together traveling through stormy conditions.

Suddenly, the pilot came running back to the passengers and announced that lightning had hit the plane, and they were going to crash in a matter of minutes.

- There are only enough parachutes for four of the five of us - he announced.

- Since I'm the pilot, I get one!

After saying this, the pilot grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.

- I'm the world's greatest athlete - proclaimed Michael Jordon.

- This world needs great athletes, so I must live.

Michael Jordon then grabbed a parachute and leaped out of the plane.

Bill Gates suddenly dies and finds himself face to face with God. God stood over Bill Gates and said:

- Well Bill, I'm really confused on this one. It's a tough decision; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95 among other indiscretions. I believe I'll do something I've never done before; I'll let you decide where you want to go.

Bill pushed up his glasses, looked up at God and replied:

- Could you briefly explain the difference between the two?

Looking slightly puzzled, God said:

- Better yet, why don't I let you visit both places briefly…

A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Branch Manager were on their way to a meeting. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside.
The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?

- I know - said the Branch Manager.

- Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems…

One of Microsoft's finest technicans was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.

The technician looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area:

- It's leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!

What did Bill Gate's wife say to him on their wedding night?
→ No wonder you called the company Microsoft

How does Bill Gates screw in a lightbulb?
→ He doesn't. He declares darkness the industry standard.

What is the difference between Windows 95 and Windows 98?
→ 3 years

I heard that if you play the Windows NT 4.0 CD backwards, you'll get a satanic message. But the most frightening thing is that if you play it forward, it installs NT 4.0!

Ya see, we at Microsoft believe in making computing easier! What could be easier for consumers than having only ONE choice of software?!?

- Why do you think I spend too much time at my computer?

- Well, dear... Every time I ask you to close the windows you answer with "Please wait while your computer shuts down"...

- Customer: I'm running Windows '95.

- Tech: Yes.

- Customer: My computer isn't working now.

- Tech: Yes, you said that.

Got this email from a friend:

CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?

One guy was on duty in the main lab on a quiet afternoon. He noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest and staring at the screen.

After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position only now she was impatiently tapping her foot.

He asked if she needed help and she replied, It's about time! I pushed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!

Comments made by Programmers when their programs don't work:

- Strange...

- I've never heard about that.

- It did work yesterday.

- Well, the program needs some fixing.

- How is this possible?

- The machine seems to be broken.

- Has the operating system been updated?

- The user has made an error again.

- There is something wrong in your test data.

A doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world. The doctor remarked:

- Well, in the Bible it says that God created Eve from a rib taken from Adam. This clearly required surgery so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world.

The civil engineer interrupted and said:

- But even earlier in the book of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the heavens and the earth from out of the chaos. This was the first and certainly the most spectacular application of civil engineering. Therefore, fair doctor, you are wrong; mine is the oldest profession in the world.

What's the best way to accelerate a Mac?
→ 9.81 m/s2

A Engineer and an Programmer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The Engineer leans over to the Programmer and asks if he would like to play a fun game.
The Programmer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The Engineer persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lot of fun. He explains:

- I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5.

Again, the Programmer politely declines and tries to get to sleep.

The Engineer, now somewhat agitated, says:

As most technophiles are aware, there are special programs to run scanners. These programs use a TWAIN driver to perform the scanning. TWAIN, the acronym, stands for "Technology Without An Interesting Name."

What's the difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman?
→ The car salesman can probably drive!

Jesus and Satan got into an argument over which of them was the better computer programmer. Finally God got tired of the bickering and told them that he would judge a contest between them. They each had four hours to write the best program they could, and then God would decide the winner.

Well, they both got right down to business, and wrote lines and lines and lines of code. But just before the four hours were up there was a flash of lightning and a tremendous clap of thunder. The lights flickered, the power faltered, and both computer screens went dead.

When power was restored, God declared that time was up and asked to see the results of their work. Jesus flipped on his computer and…

What creature has the best aptitude for engineering?
→ The spider -- It has its own website.

My computer made a funny sound the other day.
Of course, I've never heard it get thrown out a window before.

After buying a PC from a dealer of shady shady repute, the luckless customer unpacked his new toy and plugged it in to find it Dead On Arrival.

Naturally, after checking the usual things, he called the dealer and explained his problem. First question from Deviously Evasive Dealer:

- Did you check to see whether the power was on?

- Of course.

DED:

- Did you open the cover and check whether any of the boards had shaken loose in shipping?

- Of course.

DED:

- Then why are you calling me?

- Well, you sold it to me and there has to be some kind of warranty - pleaded the frustrated purchaser.