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- Customer: I've been doing risk analysis by hand for five years, and we finally got your program so we could do it automatically -- but there's a bug in it. The answers come out differently each time.

- Tech Support: Sir, are you aware that our program uses Monte-Carlo analysis?

- Customer: Of course I am. That's why I bought it.

- Tech Support: Sir, do you know what Monte-Carlo analysis does?

- Customer: Don't get rude with me, of course I do.

- Tech Support: Put briefly, sir, it runs through your project several times, throwing random delays in, and at the end it averages out the results.

- Customer: I know all that -- what I want to know is why it keeps giving me different answers every time…

- Customer: Hi, I'm supposed to pack [zip] my database and send it to you. What should I pack it in?

- Customer: My disk is stuck in my disk drive. Clicking eject doesn't work.

- Tech Support: Ok, turn the power to your Mac off, hold down the mouse clicker, and power the Mac back up.

- Customer: Look, I don't have three hands!

- Me: What is that noise?

- Customer: Hey Martinez!! I'm on the phone! Cut it out!

- Me: What was that?

Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep!

- Customer: It's from a device.

- Me: What kind of device?

- Customer: I don't know.

- Me: Like a fax machine or something?

- Customer: I don't know. Someone is under house arrest or something.

- Tech Support: How may I help you today, sir?

- Customer: Hello...hey, er... I think I've got the wrong software installed in my computer.

- Tech Support: Why is that, sir?

- Customer: I bought this minitower system from you, and it came loaded with software called the 'XYZ Desktop'.

- Tech Support: Yes...?

- Customer: Shouldn't it be called the 'XYZ Minitower'? I OBVIOUSLY have the wrong software installed in this computer.

- Student: Would it be possible to install Arabic language support on those computers?

- Computer Teacher: In order to use Arabic language in Windows, you must install an Arabic graphic card. So I don't think we could do that.

- Customer: How do I print my voicemail?

Many people in computer labs will assure you, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that they were doing everything correctly, and it still wasn't working, only to make you get up from your nice comfy seat to walk over to the other side of the room and do it yourself. Invariably, after it works the first time for you, the response is, "THAT'S WHAT I TYPED THE FIRST TIME!" Obviously not.

Another customer called Tech Support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

An exasperated caller to Tech Support couldn't get her new computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response:

- I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens.

The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

A technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

A customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then he removed all the keys and washed them individually.

A customer needed help setting up a new program, so the technician suggested he go to the local Egghead.

- Yeah, I got me a couple of friends - the man said.

When told Egghead was a software store, the man said:

- Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks.

A customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the screen and pressing the "send" key.

A technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer put the disk in, asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and closing the door to his room.

A customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes to the technician. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of her diskettes.

A technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into his typewriter to type the labels.

Technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

Computers manufacturer is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

The Three Laws of Secure Computing

1. Don't buy a computer.
2. If you do buy a computer, don't plug it in.
3. If you do plug it in, sell it and return to step 1.

Why did the school bully kick the classroom computer?
→ Someone told him he was supposed to boot up the system.

Webster's Dictionary definition of Windows 95

Windows95: n. 32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company, that can't stand 1 bit of competition.

While trying to diagnose a problem over the phone I told the user to type out his autoexec.bat file.

He said it said "File not found".

I told him to do a dir.

I asked him if he saw autoexec.bat listed.

He said:

- Well it says autoexec, then there's some spaces, but no dot, and then it says bat.

I said type this in "type autoexec.bat".

Again he got "File not found".

I asked him to tell me exactly what he typed.

He said:

A person turned on the computer without a keyboard plugged in.

When she turns on the computer, the computer finds out that there is no keyboard attached and it gives a "Keyboard Error" message.

She then asks:

- Why did it give me a keyboard error?

- There isn't even a keyboard attached?

An office technician got a call from a user. The user told the tech that her computer was not working. She described the problem and the tech concluded that the computer needed to be brought in and serviced.

He told her to:

- Unplug the power cord and bring it up here and I will fix it.

About fifteen minutes later she shows up at his door with the power cord in her hand.