Latest

- Customer: I think I've got a bug in my computer.

- Repairman: Does your computer make a humming noise?

- Customer: Yes.

- Repairman: Then it must be a humbug!

- Computer helpline?

- Everytime I log onto the seven dwarfs website my computer screen goes snow white....

- Do you turn on your computer with your left hand or your right hand?

- My right hand.

- Amazing! Most people have to use the on/off switch.

A confused caller was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said that it ''could not find the printer.'' The user had even tried turning the computer screen to face the printer but his computer still could not 'see' the printer.

How many technical writers does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Just one, provided there's a programmer around to explain how to do it.

How many IBM employees does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Fifteen. Five to do it, and ten to write document number GC7500439-001, Multitasking Incadescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank".

How many Java programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
→ One, to generate a "ChangeLightBulb" event to the socket.

How many C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
→ You're still thinking procedurally! A properly designed light bulb object would inherit a change method from a generic light bulb class!

How many maintenance programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
→ None. They try to fix the old one.

- We looked at the light fixture and decided there's no point trying to maintain it. We're going to rewrite it from scratch. Could you wait two months?

A software verifier read in the Bible that God protects all fools, and decided to test it empirically. He jumped out of the window and broke a leg. There he lies, writhing in pain, and happily thinks: "I never really considered myself a fool, but I never knew I was THAT clever!"

The problem with physicists is that they tend to cheat in order to get results.

The problem with mathematicians is that they tend to work on toy problems in order to get results.

The problem with program verifiers is that they tend to cheat at toy problems in order to get results.

The programmer to his son:

- Here, I brought you a new basketball.

- Thank you, daddy, but where is the user's guide?

They say that the new super computer knows everything. A skeptical man came and asked the computer:

- Where is my father?

The computer bleeped for a short while, and then came back with:

- Your father is fishing in Michigan.

The skeptical man said triumphantly:

- You see? I knew this was nonsense. My father has been dead for twenty years.

- No - replied the super computer immediately. Your mother's husband has been dead for twenty years. Your father just landed a three pound trout.

Why all Pascal programmers ask to live in Atlantis?
→ Because it is below C level.

The boy is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air.
The girl gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover:

- Can't you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to health!

The boy replies back:

- Darling, I am a programmer. We don't worry about warnings, we only worry about errors.

Once a programmer drowned in the sea.
Many Marines where at that time on the beach, but the programmer was shouting "F1 F1" and nobody understood it.

A system programmer came home from work almost at dawn and told his wife enthusiastically:

- Tonight I have installed a new release of MVS/ESA together with VM/CMS and CICS/VS.

- G.O.O.D - answered his wife.

How do you keep a programmer in the shower all day?
→ Give him a bottle of shampoo which says "lather, rinse, repeat."

Why do programmers always get Christmas and Halloween mixed up?
→ Because DEC 25 = OCT 31

The attention span of a computer is as long as its electrical cord.

My computer isn't that nervous. It's just a bit ANSI.

Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

Computers are not intelligent.
They only think they are.

To err is human; but to really mess things up requires a computer.

What is a computer virus?
→ A terminal illness.