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What kind of watch is best for people who don't like time on their hands?
→ A pocket watch.

- Julie: What time is it?

- Counsellor: Three o'clock.

- Julie: Oh, no!

- Counsellor: What's the matter?

- Julie: I've been asking the time all day. And everybody gives me a different answer!

Why did the girl sit on her watch?
→ She wanted to be on time.

Why did your sister shoot the alarm clock?
→ Because she felt like killing time.

The proud owner of an impressive new clock was showing it off to a friend. 'This clock,' he said, 'will go for 14 days without winding.'
'Really?' replied his friend, 'And how long will it go if you do wind it?'

'I hope you're not one of those boys who sits and watches the school clock,' said the principal to a new boy.
'No, Sir. I've got a digital watch that bleeps at three-fifteen.'

What are your two favourite times to party?
→ Daytime and night-time!

For a weddin' present Ledbetter gave his son Amos two hundred dollars. Two weeks later he asked him, "W'atcha do with the money, son?"

"Ah bought me a wristwatch, Pappy!" answered the boy.

"Yew dumb ignoramous!" yelled his father. "Yew should 'av bought yoreself a rifle!"

"A rifle? What fer?"

"Suppos'n one day yew cum home and find some guy sleepin' wid yore wife," explained the older redneck.

"W'atcha gonna do? Wake him up and ask him what time it is?"

- Customer: I'd like a watch that tells time.

- Clerk: Don't you have a watch that tells time?

- Customer: No, you have to look at it.

If twenty dogs run after one cat, what time is it?
→ Twenty after one.

What time is it when an elephant sits on your car?
→ Time to get a new car.

That boy is so dirty, the only time he washes his ears is when he eats watermelon.

Why are there so many Johnson in the phone book?
→ They all have phones.

- Now that we are engaged I hope you'll give me a ring.

- Of course. What's your phone number?

What kind of music do phones love to hear?
→ A symphony

What do you get if you cross a telephone with an iron?
→ A smooth operator!

How does a baboon make phone calls?
→ He just monkeys around on the line!

What do you call the sound a ghost makes when he calls you?
→ A phone moan.

A psychiatrist was testing the mentality of a patient.

"Do you ever hear voices without being able to tell who is speaking or where the voices are coming from?" asked the psychiatrist.

"As a matter of fact, I do," said the patient.

"And when does this happen?" asked the psychiatrist.

"Oh," said the patient, "when I answer the telephone."

What do you get if you cross a phone with a mouthwash?
→ Tele-Scope.

What do you get if you cross a phone with a birthday celebration?
→ A party line!

What do you get if you cross a phone with a birthday celebration?
→ A party line!

How does Ebenezer Scrooge make phone calls?
→ Collect!

How does a baritone make phone calls?
→ Song distance!

How does a football player make phone calls?
→ On a touch-down phone.