A young guy in a two-engine fighter was flying escort for a B-52 and generally being a nuisance, acting like a hotdog, flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber. The hotdog said over the air:
- Anything you can do, I can do better.
The veteran bomber pilot answered:
- Try this hot-shot.
The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level.
Perplexed, the hotdog asked:
- So? What did you do?
- I just shut down two engines, kid.
A pilot and a co-pilot were descending for a landing at an airport they had never been to before. The pilot looked out the windshield, and suddenly exclaimed to the co-pilot:
- Holy cow! Look how short the runway is! I've never seen one that short!
The co-pilot looked out the windshield.
- Wow! you're right! That's incredible! Are you sure we can make it?
- Well we better, we're almost out of fuel.
So the captain got on the intercom, and notified the passengers to put their heads between their knees, and prepare for an emergency landing.
Then he set the flaps to full down, and slowed the plane to just over stall speed. The big jumbo jet came screaming in, on the ragged edge of control. The…
Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate.
After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant:
- What was the problem?
- The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine - explained the flight attendant.
- and it took us a while to find a new pilot.
An airplane was flying from LA to New York.
About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced:
- We have lost an engine, but don't worry, there are three left. However, instead of 5 hours it will take 7 hours to get to New York.
A little later, the pilot announced:
- A second engine failed, but we still have two left. However, it will take 10 hours to get to New York.
Somewhat later, the pilot again came on the intercom and announced:
- A third engine had died. Never fear, because the plane can fly on a single engine. However, it will now take 18 hours to get to new York.
At this point, one passenger said:
- Gee, I hope we don't lose that last engine, or we'll be up here forever!
While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window.
- Good lord! - he screamed.
- one of the engines just blew up!
Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.
The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor seemed made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he…
As the airliner was preparing to land in Madrid in a rainstorm, an English passenger seemed noticeably afraid.
- What's the problem, fellow? - asked his seat mate.
- Surely - said the Englishman.
- you've heard the saying, 'The planes in Spain fall mainly in the rains!!'
After the first takeoff of the fully automatic airplane, the passengers heard the soothing, reassuring voice of the pilot:
- Ladies and gentlemen, this is your automatic pilot.
- In my modern and carefully tested sytem an error is absolutely impossible, absolutely impossible, absolutely impossible, ...
How does the captain know the aircraft is safely at the ramp?
→ Both the engines and the co-pilot stop whining.
An airplane pilot dies at the controls.
He goes to Hell. The devil takes him to the 'newly arrived' area.
There are three doors, marked 1, 2, and 3. The devil tells the pilot that he is going to get to choose his own hell, but first, the devil has to take care of something first, and disappears.
The curious pilot looks behind door number one. He sees a pilot going through flight checks for all eternity. He looks behind door number two, and he sees a pilot that forever finds himself trying to resolve emergency situations. He looks behind the last door, and sees a Captain being waited on hand and foot by scantily-clad stewardesses.
The devil returns just as the pilot gets back to his waiting…
It was mealtime on a small airline and the flight attendant asked the passenger if he would like dinner.
- What are my choices? - he asked.
- Yes or No - she replied.
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard.
The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said:
- Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?
- Why no, Ma'am - said the pilot.
- what is it?
The little old lady said:
- Did we land or were we shot down?
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
From the pilot during his welcome message:
- We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight.
United Airlines FA: "Ladies and Gentlemen, as you are all now painfully aware, our Captain has landed in Seattle. From all of us at United Airlines we'd like to thank you for flying with us today and please be very careful as you open the overhead bins as you may be killed by falling luggage that shifted during our so called "touch down."
Pilot says:
- Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land...it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern.
From a Southwest Airlines employee: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this aircraft..."
The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport were often short-tempered. They not only expected you to know your parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (radio call Speedbird 206) after landing.
- Speedbird 206: Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active.
- Ground: Guten morgan, taxi to your gate.
The British Airways 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.
- Ground: Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?
- Speedbird 206: Stand by, ground, I'm looking up the gate location now.
Passengers on a Lufthansa flight heard this announcement from the captain:
- Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry to inform you that we have lost power to all of our engines and will shortly crash into the ocean.
The passengers were obviously very worried about this situation, but were somewhat comforted by the captain's next announcement.
- Ladies and Gentlemen, we at Lufthansa have prepared for such an emergency, and we would now like you to rearrange your seating so that all the non-swimmers are on the left side of the plane, and all the swimmers are on the right side.
After this announcement, all the passengers rearranged their seating to comply with the captain's request. Two minutes later…
An airline pilot was scheduled to take a flight from New York to Los Angeles. The weather was too bad in New York to allow his usual on time departure. The weather in New York finally cleared and the pilot asked for his departure clearance. He was very dismayed to hear that he had another delay due to the increased traffic now leaving New York.
Sometime later he finally received his clearance and decided he would try to make up the time lost by asking for a direct route to Los Angeles. Halfway across the country he was told to turn due South. Knowing that this turn would now throw him further behind schedule he inquired, quite agitated, to the controller for the reason of the turn off…
Flying to Los Angeles from San Francisco the other day, a passenger noticed that the "Fasten Seat Belts" sign was kept lit during the whole journey although the flight was a particularly smooth one.
Just before landing, he asked the stewardess about it.
- Well - she explained.
- up front there are 17 University of California girls going to Los Angeles for the weekend.
- In back, there are 25 Coast Guard enlistees. What would you do?
Brendan had spent a week visiting his family in Kentucky. His sister-in-law and seven-year-old nephew went with him when he returned to the airport. After verifying his seat number with the counter attendant, Brendan walked back to his relatives and stated that he'd have to wait an additional three hours in the airport.
- How come? - his nephew asked.
- My plane has been grounded - Brendan explained.
- Grounded? - the little boy said.
- I didn't know planes had parents.
A student was heading home for the holidays.
When she got to the airline counter, she presented her ticket to New York. As she gave the agent her luggage, she made the remark:
- I'd like you to send my green suitcase to Hawaii, and my red suitcase to London.
The confused agent said:
- I'm sorry, we can't do that.
- Really??? I am so relieved to hear you say that because that's exactly what you did to my luggage last year!
